That time of year

[_Coggins7]

YES!! Its that time of year again... (this was meant to be a separate post)

A yule tide tradition that cannot be missed...

'Twas The Night Before Excommunication" (The directer's Cut)


'Twas the night before excommunication
and all through the land
All the exmos were stirring
and wringing their hands.

They writhed and they nestled, all snug in ther beds
while pages of Dialog danced in their heads
With shelves filled with Tanner, and Decker, and Quinn
Oh my what a lather and froth they were in!

When out of blue their arose such a clatter,
It was FAIR and FARMS with the truth of the matter
To ex-Mormons.org they flew in a flash
For a big group hug, and emotional crash.

The blogs and the chats and the new message boards
gave the luster of truth to the slogans and corn
When what to their confounded minds should appear
Wade, Gaz, and Coggins, and a keg of root beer.

With minds of sharp wit , so lively and quick
the exmos knew in a moment, they'd run out of tricks
More rapid than eagles, the arguments came
They flummoxed the critics, and called them by name:

Now Decker! Now Martin!
Now Nelson and Tanner!
Now Ankerberg, Spencer,
Oh my what's the matter!

On Metcalf, Hutchinson,
Muphy and Quinn.
Mixing graduate studies,
with eggnog and sin.

As dust bunnies before the Dirt Devil fly
The forlorn exmos sat down and did cry,
Their arguments tattered, there slanders exposed.
The TBMs drank rootbeer, sat back and reposed.

Then in a twinkling, they awoke with a scream
To Shades, and Rollo, and Scratch on their screens!
Leftwingers and singers of sad tales of woe
Of leaving the church blow by blow.

They were dressed all in black, like Ozzy and Priest
Ready and primed for an invidious feast.
With buzzwords and can't, aimed right at the heart
of the followers of Christ, just doing their part.

Their eyes--how they gleamed, with snickering glee
as they mocked and joked of temples you see.
Their smug little lips drawn up in a smirk
as they whined and howled about woman and work.
Of sex, and drugs and rock n' roll
so politically correct, and too often told.

Some were trendy and shallow, some angry and mean.
And the TBM's laughed, in spite of the scene!
And with a wink of their eyes, and nods of their heads
The apologists knew they had nothing to dread.

They opened more cans of Hires and Dad's
and went straight to work on their brand new keypads.
The exmos turned blue with rage and frustration
and with middle fingers raised, gave a strange salutation.

They circled the wagons, and prepared for a fight
but the faithful were ready, with the disinfectant of light.
And I heard them exclaim, as the exmos did quiver

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all chopped liver!"

[_Dr. Shades]

Oh yeah? Well, two can play at that game:

'Twas the night before Christmas, and on Temple Square
hung a most hopeless feeling of awful despair.
while the Morg missionaries led tours of the grounds,
there was no trace of cheer to be anywhere found.

And inside of the temple the mood did persist,
as fifteen men assembled (my sources insist).
Now, the men were "apostles," or so it is said,
by the folks known as "Mormons" who might be misled.

Then they each took their seats, their heads heavy with gloom,
for their bi-weekly meeting in the "Upper Room."
When they all became seated, one man took the stand,
he was M. Russell Ballard--What speech had he planned?

"There's a new thing out there," he began with a frown,
"If it isn't stopped soon, it will tear the church down!
Now it's time that we faced an insidious threat,
it's the worst one in years: It's called 'the Internet!'

And the members--from old to the young, I've heard tell--
they can eas'ly get on it, Goddamn it to Hell!
They can read what they want just by typing key-words!
And the normal folks do this, not just geeks and nerds!

Now, I've heard many stories of members aghast
when they first read the true and unsanitized past!
Because now people see that the hist'ry's been changed,
and they know Brigham's sermons sound fully deranged!

They can read the true stories of Danites and such,
and then learn how the prophets were way out of touch.
They can read how much Joseph was really a nut,
then they'll know the false doctrines out there--so now what?"

And then Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Men, it is true,
I'm afraid that this time I don't know what to do.
Saying, 'That was a couplet!' did okay before;
but now I highly doubt it will work anymore.

'I don't know that we teach that' did good for a time,
but to use it once more wouldn't be worth a dime.
And so history we can no longer suppress,
'cause the 'net's put a quick stop to all that, I guess.

So now what is there left? what deception to ply?
Now we'd better think fast, or just kiss it goodbye!"
And then Dallin spoke up and said, "What will we do
when the members find out that the church isn't true?

And so now what comes next? Has our cover been blown?"
Then the men all looked down, their sad fate to bemoan.
As the fifteen thought hard, all their faces real grim,
they then knew at that time that their chances were slim.

So the men got to thinking but came up with naught
'cept a horrible scene of a tithing boycott.
And then just at that point, things did get really bright,
And then just as you'd guess, the apostles took fright.

Then the glow in the room coalesced to the shape
of a six-foot tall man who looked strong as an ape.
See, the sudden appearance took all by surprise,
so they trembled, then coughed, then they squinted their eyes.

So, who was this strange specter they had to deal with?
Why, it's none other than the ghost of Joseph Smith!
"Holy cow!" Said the prophet. "This is a bombshell!
'Cause we all thought for sure you were burning in Hell!"

Then Joe said, "I should smack you, now show me respect
since I stared your church--it is what I expect.
Now, I've come here to help you out of this fine fix,
'cause you know that when living, I was full of tricks.

When the members find something exposing the Morg,
just you don't worry none 'bout dot-com or dot-org.
And so if they should find out the meat before milk,
just refer them to FARMS and to FAIR and their ilk.

You can say, 'That's not doctrine,' then watch their doubts fade.
Tell them 'he was misquoted,' then fears are allayed!
'It was took out of context,' you can also say,
as you tell them to fast and you tell them to pray.

Those excuses work always; repeat them all when
any member returns to his doubting again."
"That's a real good idea!" Boyd Packer did shout,
"Yes, this spin-doct'ring surely will bail us all out!"

Joseph Smith cracked a smile, then he quick turned around,
'cause he knew he'd imparted a lesson profound.
And no more would the Brethren be worried at all,
'cause there wasn't a doubt that they couldn't forestall.

And then Joseph yelled out, "I have got to move on;
I have sev'ral young women to bang before dawn!
To Fanny! To Zina! And to Helen Mar!
To Lucy! To Patty!" (so many there are!)

The apostles were grateful, of that you could tell,
For this timely advice that went over so well.
And they heard Joe exclaim ere departing forthwith:
"MERRY SMITHMAS TO ALL, AND LONG LIVE JOSEPH'S MYTH!"

[_Gadianton]

shades. that was fantastic. this needs to be bumped up.

[_Trevor]

Really funny Shades.

The only change I might make is from "doubts are delayed" to "fears are allayed."

[_Trevor]

It was FAIR and FARMS with the truth of the matter

Now, that is funny!!!

[_Maxrep]

That was great.

Add a verse about Bushman's $3000 essay writing contest! - Please!!

[_Yong Xi]

Shades puts Cogggins to shame.

[_Dr. Shades]

Gadianton, Trevor, Maxrep, and Yong Xi: THANK YOU for the compliments!!

The only change I might make is from "doubts are delayed" to "fears are allayed."

Done!

Shades puts Cogggins to shame.

It's all about the meter and rhyme--a lesson Coggins steadfastly refuses to learn.

[_Zoidberg]

That was hilarious, Shades!

Shades puts Cogggins to shame.

It's all about the meter and rhyme--a lesson Coggins steadfastly refuses to learn.

And coupled with his refusal to follow the board rules #2 and #8, it makes his creations completely excruciating.

[_Mercury]

Bravo Shades! Bravo!