Ezias wrote: I need to distance myself from the insanity before I become insane.
I need to go inactive just for my mental health.
I can totally associate with this, as I experienced the same thing in 1986, the year before my "walk out". For three years after that walk out I felt happier than I'd ever been since joining. I reclaimed my life. I actually remember one day praying, "God, if there is a God, deliver me from this" (It was like living in a religious fantasy world of make-believe). But I didn't become a Christian nor join any other Church, though I made several returns as a "NOM", liberal, moderate, Liahona, call it whatever you will. Even those returns were short-lived because I was like the guy who went to the same movie several times expecting a different ending.
It never worked, because I always came back to what I was in August 1987 - away from this religious fantasy world. And I described that "escape" like Papillion's escape from Devil's Island.
Twenty-two years on I can assess all of this much more objectively and rationally. My occasional forays back into Mormonism, in retrospect, did not benefit me, and I'm talking about in real life and on the Internet (my two or so years on FAIR when I was in "why me mode", and hanging on in particular to the Book of Mormon).
It's not easy, especially when you have a family, and the light at the end of the tunnel may seem a long way off, if there at all. But your seeming "insanity"
isn't peculiar to you. Some have described feeling "nauseated" and physically ill, and I can associate with that too.
This is a journey you and only you can undertake, and all I can offer you is this: It's indescribably fulfilling to be normal, and you really can't fully see nor appreciate those former "blind spots" until you experience gradual change from unreality back to reality. Truth be told, I can't tell you what "reality" is, but I can tell you what it is
not. It is trying to make sense of the world through Nephi Supermen, floating Jaredite toilets, flying Liahonas, people who can see 2,500 years into the future, and people who walked with Jesus still being here converting sun-bakers on Bondi Beach (you probably will find it difficult to believe that I have experienced this being told to me by a "brother").
And one thing we have learned (or at least I have), is that not even a moderate approach will change this psyche. It's like trying to make the Mormon car run on distilled water. In that sense, I think the Mormon experience can be an incredibly difficult and sad one, especially for those born into the Church who want to escape it. At least I had something "concrete" I could go back to: An incredibly fortunate and normal childhood in a very nominal Catholic family with a father who told me at 14 I could make my choice whether I wanted to keep going to Church or not. They were, truly, "days in Camelot", which I have come to appreciate so much more in my aging years. My father always told me, "Son, you don't know how lucky you are." (I travelled half the world before I was 16). I do now. Lucky to have the family I did, and the experiences I did, and something I could hold on to when it was time to burn the bridges of religious fantasy.