Greatest Mormon Blog Post Ever!

[_Everybody Wang Chung]

There is a very interesting and funny thread from Cougarguard.com I found in the archives about the missionaries and how prelevant the "Shaking Hands With Mr. Lincoln" issue is with missionaries. The following blog post from a fairly prolific Cougar Board member is making me laugh so hard right now that I can’t even see well:

MP's could spend their whole time managing confessions from masturbating missionaries. From the little insight I've had with MP's most have had a pretty lax attitude about it as it is inevitable that it will be a common problem.

My trainer would yell at me if my hands were under the covers as I went to sleep. He'd yell: "Elder! This mission has a problem with masturbation, and I don't want you becoming a part of it!" Then he'd get up in the morning and put metallica on and prance around the apartment naked and picking his nose. His favorite way to wake me up was by spreading his naked butt cheeks in my face at 6:30 AM.

I didn't mind the metallica part.

He had only been on his mission for 6 weeks when he was training me, and neither one of us spoke Russian very well, so it was a confusing time in so many ways.

Eventually I got promoted to AP, and when we went to visit his city he punched me in the gonads. My companion told the mission president on him, and he got a phone call from the president. Naturally, he assumed that I had been the one to tattle, and he relayed a message to me that he was going to inflict permanent damage next time.

Stories like this prove to me that the Church is true, when young men such as these are responsible for ~300,000 converts per year.

Too bad the conversion rate hasn't caught up with the world birth rate yet. So technically, Mormonism is shrinking as a percentage of the world population.

If the many other posts are to be believed on this thread, this "problem" is as serious an issue for the Elders as well as the Sisters. For many missionaries, the mission really is the best two years.

[_Buffalo]

I never "shook hands with the bishop" on my mission, but as a result I was perpetually horny and always struggled not to stare at pretty much any attractive women I saw.

They should make regular masturbation compulsory. It would help the missionaries be more relaxed and more focused on their work.

[_lostindc]

lol @ this, in general the whole damn thing was funny.

Stories like this prove to me that the Church is true, when young men such as these are responsible for ~300,000 converts per year.

[_Bond James Bond]

That sounds like about the most realistic 19 year old trapped in a mission story I've ever read. Since they're expected to act like 60 year old insurance salesmen who are being graded on decorum and behavior (by God!) people seem to forget these guys are 19 years old. Newsflash: 19 year olds masturbate and "moon" each other and generally act like immature punk assholes to each other in the real world.

[_Everybody Wang Chung]

Some more very enlightening posts:

Every mission has this problem.

My MP told me that 75% of his Elder's admitted to him in interviews they had played Five vs. One, and that about a third of the mission had a 'real' problem. He also told me the numbers were very similar with the Sisters.

The real question is what portion of the remaining 25% simply weren't confessing. Then we might get a bit closer to reality...although I do believe that a certain percentage of missionaries keep their hands to themselves/away from themselves--however you want to put it--for the duration of their missions.

Reminds me of my friend's mission. His MP got up and said "We have a masturbation problem in this mission...and it isn't only the Elders." There were lots of looks towards the Sisters that day.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this statement probably didn't help the problem among the Elders.

I would never say that pocket pool is permissible or condoned on a mission. But I think it is frequent enough, and generally limited to bathroom time. On my mission, it was common practice for missionaries to time each other's showers and bang on the door when "time was up".

I'll limit my experience to only two examples in reply to this topic:

1) Elder X used his monthly stipend to pay for a subscription to Playboy. When our mission president found out, the elder was not sent home or even punished; Pres simply instructed him to cancel his subscription. (I know this firsthand because I was transfered into his area in his place, and the magazines showed up in the mail).

2) Elder Y was my district leader in Jacksonville, AR and was so proud of his masterbating that he would openly talk about it, and even said he once did so a few hours before going to the temple. (We were allowed to visit the Memphis temple every three months).

[_Everybody Wang Chung]

I never "shook hands with the bishop" on my mission, but as a result I was perpetually horny and always struggled not to stare at pretty much any attractive women I saw.

They should make regular masturbation compulsory. It would help the missionaries be more relaxed and more focused on their work.

That might be a good idea. If it was compulsory, maybe Timothy Berman wouldn't have been driven by sexual frustration to write the masterpiece "At The Ocean".

[_Redefined]

QUESTIONS:

So if a man has a "release" on a regular basis, he's more likely to focus on his work?

And if a hot, sexy woman were to walk past, he'd be less likely to notice or be less likely to be turned on, because he's not all pent up?

[_Buffalo]

QUESTIONS:

So if a man has a "release" on a regular basis, he's more likely to focus on his work?

And if a hot, sexy woman were to walk past, he'd be less likely to notice or be less likely to be turned on, because he's not all pent up?

In my experience, yes. Regardless of how the "release" is accomplished.

[_zeezrom]

Re,

Yes, unless the guy feels bad about the release. If he feels bad about it, he may as well not have done it at all because the feeling is still pent up if you feel guilt about it.

Zee.

[_Buffalo]

Re,

Yes, unless the guy feels bad about the release. If he feels bad about it, he may as well not have done it at all because the feeling is still pent up if you feel guilt about it.

Zee.

And thus begins the vicious Mormon guilt & purge & guilt & purge cycle.