"I sometimes ask myself how it came about that I was the one to develop the theory of relativity. The reason, I think, is that a normal adult never stops to think about problems of space and time. These are things which he has thought about as a child. But my intellectual development was retarded,as a result of which I began to wonder about space and time only when I had already grown up.
"Then, after I died, a nice Mormon was baptized on my behalf in one of those lovely LDS temples. I accepted the baptism with gratitude, even though I was always shaky on the whole God thing in life. After I became a Mormon, I realized my earlier work on relativity was hopelessly flawed.
"God already revealed his laws of physics, it turns out, to his prophets Abraham and Joseph Smith. This is, in reality, how our universe functions:
"Kolob is the greatest of all the stars. That it is so because it is nearest to the celestial, or residence of God. It governs all the planets which belong to the same order as this earth. It is after the reckoning of the Lord's time, which is more mundane than special relativity would have us believe. It is after the manner of the Lord according to its times and seasons and the revolutions thereof. Simply put, one revolution is a day unto the Lord. That one day, in Kolob, is equal to a thousand years, according to the measurement of this earth.
"Kolob signifies first creation. It is the first in government, and last pertaining to the measurement of time. The measurement according to celestial time; which celestial time signifies one day to a cubit.
"Oliblish stands next to Kolob. It is the next grand governing creation. It is equal to Kolob in its revolution and in its measurement of time. It holds the key of power as pertaining to other planets.
"Enish-go-on-dosh is also a governing planet, which was said, by the ancient Egyptians, to be the sun, and to borrow (receive) its light from Kolob through the medium of Kae-e-vanrash. If only I had theorized this in life! Imagine the scientific revolution! Humanity could, even now, be borrowing its light from Kolob through the medium of Kae-e-vanrash. Think of the energy bill savings!
"Kae-e-vanrash is the grand key, or governing power, which governs fifteen other fixed planets or stars, as also the moon (Floeese), the earth and the sun in their annual revolutions. That Kae-e-vanrash receives its power through Kli-flos-is-es or Hah-ko-kau-beam. Apparently the laws of gravity and principles of kinetics are bunk! If only I had known this in life!
"Well, I shall not waste my time in Spirit Paradise! I shall undo the false doctrine of physics and general relativity, and teach incoming spirits these true principles as revealed to the prophet Joseph Smith, whose permission I now have to get into the Celestial Kingdom!
"In the name of Yeshua ben Yosef, amen."
