Yet Another Ode to My Mother the Relief Society Prez

[_angsty]

I've made no secret of the fact that I admire my mother and the way Mormonism shows up in her life, despite finding Mormonism appalling generally. My mother thinks that whatever is good in her is a product of her belief in and adherence to principles of the gospel. I believe the inverse to be true-- whatever is good about the principles of the gospel is a product of whatever was already good about the people adhering to them. My mother thinks she'd be a miserable wretch without the gospel. I think it more likely that the gospel would be a miserably wretched without people like her.

I think she's a beautiful person and I love her dearly. I especially appreciate that she's found a way to finesse her beliefs that's a little more merciful to the self-esteem than some other more austere versions of Mormonism. She's one of those people who makes you feel at ease as soon as you meet them. She's not afraid of being seen as a flaky mess. She doesn't make any effort to appear well put-together. She just is what she is and that's it and when you see it, you know you can just be whatever you are and that it's safe. Part of the reason she doesn't worry about keeping appearances is that she doesn't want to contribute to social pressures that torture the perfectionists in her ward. I think that's admirable.

I also appreciate that she's willing to be vulnerable with me when talking about her beliefs. I know some people can't do that because they can't get over this idea that they've got to appear 100% confident when they are communicating with known apostates. Provided I haven't been ranting already, my mother is usually pretty open about some things she thinks are wrong with her faith.

For example, today she told me that she thinks no sister should ever have more than two sisters to visit teach, because they'd be spread so thin that they wouldn't be able to build meaningful relationships. She expressed some disdain over the term "Visiting Teaching Route" because, "We're not the postal service, we're supposed to be friends and the lingo needs to change".

In that same vein, she also recently "let go" all the visiting teaching supervisors in her ward because a.) she thinks that the ward should respect the privacy of their families more, especially those who might be struggling with various things that they might not want blabbed across the ward. And b.) she feels like it was just busy-work anyway that made visit teaching seem like an institutional obligation that needed to be checked off and reported, instead of a sincere expression of sisterly care. Most of the sisters in the ward who were VT supervisors had other callings too already, and she felt like it would be better for them to have more time to their own lives rather than making a bunch of phone calls no one really wants to be on either end of. I haven't the foggiest idea how the math of her new system works out, but I think her attitude is right on.

Anyway, I may not care for Mormonism in general, but I do really admire the part of Mormonism that is my Mother and her contribution to it.

[_Bob Loblaw]

Thank you for that. My mom always had a problem feeling empathy and compassion for the poor and the struggling. Her attitude was that such people just weren't trying hard enough or, to put it in bcspacean terms, they were whiney and felt entitled.

Then she became Relief Society president. Every week, usually more than once, she had to deal with people living in poverty, with faithful families struggling to keep their kids fed. It was an eye-opening experience for her, and despite her initial discomfort, she was glad she had to learn through experience that her assumptions about people were mostly wrong. It would not have happened had she not been a Mormon.

[_sethpayne]

I've made no secret of the fact that I admire my mother and the way Mormonism shows up in her life, despite finding Mormonism appalling generally. My mother thinks that whatever is good in her is a product of her belief in and adherence to principles of the gospel. I believe the inverse to be true-- whatever is good about the principles of the gospel is a product of whatever was already good about the people adhering to them. My mother thinks she'd be a miserable wretch without the gospel. I think it more likely that the gospel would be a miserably wretched without people like her.

I think she's a beautiful person and I love her dearly. I especially appreciate that she's found a way to finesse her beliefs that's a little more merciful to the self-esteem than some other more austere versions of Mormonism. She's one of those people who makes you feel at ease as soon as you meet them. She's not afraid of being seen as a flaky mess. She doesn't make any effort to appear well put-together. She just is what she is and that's it and when you see it, you know you can just be whatever you are and that it's safe. Part of the reason she doesn't worry about keeping appearances is that she doesn't want to contribute to social pressures that torture the perfectionists in her ward. I think that's admirable.

I also appreciate that she's willing to be vulnerable with me when talking about her beliefs. I know some people can't do that because they can't get over this idea that they've got to appear 100% confident when they are communicating with known apostates. Provided I haven't been ranting already, my mother is usually pretty open about some things she thinks are wrong with her faith.

For example, today she told me that she thinks no sister should ever have more than two sisters to visit teach, because they'd be spread so thin that they wouldn't be able to build meaningful relationships. She expressed some disdain over the term "Visiting Teaching Route" because, "We're not the postal service, we're supposed to be friends and the lingo needs to change".

In that same vein, she also recently "let go" all the visiting teaching supervisors in her ward because a.) she thinks that the ward should respect the privacy of their families more, especially those who might be struggling with various things that they might not want blabbed across the ward. And b.) she feels like it was just busy-work anyway that made visit teaching seem like an institutional obligation that needed to be checked off and reported, instead of a sincere expression of sisterly care. Most of the sisters in the ward who were VT supervisors had other callings too already, and she felt like it would be better for them to have more time to their own lives rather than making a bunch of phone calls no one really wants to be on either end of. I haven't the foggiest idea how the math of her new system works out, but I think her attitude is right on.

Anyway, I may not care for Mormonism in general, but I do really admire the part of Mormonism that is my Mother and her contribution to it.

Sounds like you have a wonderful Mom. I too appreciate how Mormonism helps shape her sense of purpose.

Reminds me of a blog post I wrote for my Mom on mother's day.

http://www.sethpayne.com/?p=907

Thanks so much for sharing!

Seth

[_3sheets2thewind]

based on what my EQ Pres said about a Preisthood training meeting with an Apostle, your mother is right on and rightly inspired.

The EQ related the Apostle stated that the Church wants to get away from numbers. The Apostle even related a story wherein he refused to have his own HT come once a month - there was reasoning provided which I would butcher if I tried to relate.

Over all the HT outlook provided by the EQ from the meeting was that HT needs to get away from checkmarks and be something that is sincere and done when needed.

[_Fence Sitter]

I've told my HT, whom I like and admire, that if he calls to make an appointment I will turn him down. Then I told him my door is always open for my friends to drop by and encouraged him to feel free to visit when ever he wanted.

HT + VT = busy work. Why not combine them and get more focus out of the program? Have a sister and an Elder supervise the program and let them decide who to send where. That would cut the work in half.

[_Elphaba]

I also appreciate that she's willing to be vulnerable with me when talking about her beliefs. I know some people can't do that because they can't get over this idea that they've got to appear 100% confident when they are communicating with known apostates. Provided I haven't been ranting already, my mother is usually pretty open about some things she thinks are wrong with her faith.

What a lovely and touching post. I am really moved by your choice of such tender words to describe your mother.

I suspect your mother is able to be vulnerable abut her beliefs with you because you have consciously made the effort to validate her right to have those beliefs, including her decision to be a member of the Church. If this is true, I think it speaks well of your character, and demonstrates you place your love for your mother above the issue of whether or not the Church is true, which is very kind. Of course, it sounds like you learned some of that kindness from her.

Very moving.

[_Blixa]

I've made no secret of the fact that I admire my mother and the way Mormonism shows up in her life, despite finding Mormonism appalling generally. My mother thinks that whatever is good in her is a product of her belief in and adherence to principles of the gospel. I believe the inverse to be true-- whatever is good about the principles of the gospel is a product of whatever was already good about the people adhering to them. My mother thinks she'd be a miserable wretch without the gospel. I think it more likely that the gospel would be a miserably wretched without people like her.

I think she's a beautiful person and I love her dearly. I especially appreciate that she's found a way to finesse her beliefs that's a little more merciful to the self-esteem than some other more austere versions of Mormonism. She's one of those people who makes you feel at ease as soon as you meet them. She's not afraid of being seen as a flaky mess. She doesn't make any effort to appear well put-together. She just is what she is and that's it and when you see it, you know you can just be whatever you are and that it's safe. Part of the reason she doesn't worry about keeping appearances is that she doesn't want to contribute to social pressures that torture the perfectionists in her ward. I think that's admirable.

I also appreciate that she's willing to be vulnerable with me when talking about her beliefs. I know some people can't do that because they can't get over this idea that they've got to appear 100% confident when they are communicating with known apostates. Provided I haven't been ranting already, my mother is usually pretty open about some things she thinks are wrong with her faith.

For example, today she told me that she thinks no sister should ever have more than two sisters to visit teach, because they'd be spread so thin that they wouldn't be able to build meaningful relationships. She expressed some disdain over the term "Visiting Teaching Route" because, "We're not the postal service, we're supposed to be friends and the lingo needs to change".

In that same vein, she also recently "let go" all the visiting teaching supervisors in her ward because a.) she thinks that the ward should respect the privacy of their families more, especially those who might be struggling with various things that they might not want blabbed across the ward. And b.) she feels like it was just busy-work anyway that made visit teaching seem like an institutional obligation that needed to be checked off and reported, instead of a sincere expression of sisterly care. Most of the sisters in the ward who were VT supervisors had other callings too already, and she felt like it would be better for them to have more time to their own lives rather than making a bunch of phone calls no one really wants to be on either end of. I haven't the foggiest idea how the math of her new system works out, but I think her attitude is right on.

Anyway, I may not care for Mormonism in general, but I do really admire the part of Mormonism that is my Mother and her contribution to it.

When I was growing up, I knew women like this in my ward. One in particular was Sister P______ C________. When she died last year, my brothers and I exchanged many emails fondly remembering her. She was a peach.

Oh how I wish women like these were running the Church!

[_Abaddon]

I've told my HT, whom I like and admire, that if he calls to make an appointment I will turn him down. Then I told him my door is always open for my friends to drop by and encouraged him to feel free to visit when ever he wanted.

That's the opposite for me, haha.

I told my HT if you show up unexpected, I won't open the door. I HATE it when people show up unexpectedly, friends or otherwise. What if I'm eating? In the can? Having sex or something? Don't FREAKIN bother me unless you've called to clear it first! Hahaha.

He didn't get the hint though; he still showed up unexpectedly (for "nice" things I guess; like to deliver cookies, etc.) But still. Both times he came I was inconvenienced because I was doing something else when they unexpectedly came over.

I told the Bishop I don't want HT anymore and the last I saw the likes of them was over 6 months ago, ha!

</rant>

[_angsty]

I also appreciate that she's willing to be vulnerable with me when talking about her beliefs. I know some people can't do that because they can't get over this idea that they've got to appear 100% confident when they are communicating with known apostates. Provided I haven't been ranting already, my mother is usually pretty open about some things she thinks are wrong with her faith.

What a lovely and touching post. I am really moved by your choice of such tender words to describe your mother.

I suspect your mother is able to be vulnerable abut her beliefs with you because you have consciously made the effort to validate her right to have those beliefs, including her decision to be a member of the Church. If this is true, I think it speaks well of your character, and demonstrates you place your love for your mother above the issue of whether or not the Church is true, which is very kind. Of course, it sounds like you learned some of that kindness from her.

Very moving.

My mother is a sensitive lady and very sincere in general. When I was in the throes of apostasy, we had a pivotal conversation where we talked about what kind of relationship we wanted to have going forward. She said she was afraid I wouldn't be able to listen to her talk about spiritual things because I didn't share her foundational beliefs any more. I told her I didn't think people needed to have all that in common in order to appreciate each other deeply, and that just because I reject those former beliefs doesn't mean I can't appreciate what they used to mean to me. Plus, it isn't like I think she's at fault somehow for raising me in the church. I really truly believe she did the best she knew how to do and I'm grateful for it. I told her I'd rather be known and liked less, than have people like me more because they didn't really know me because I was too afraid of rejection to speak honestly. I think that's most important in the closest relationships. How sad would it be to not be real with the people who know you the best? We've both settled into that kind of mentality. I can't stand fake-type relationships and it would break my heart if I thought my mother wasn't being "real" with me. I know she feels the same way now, even if it did take some getting used to.

She's just a good lady and I owe her a lot for making me the way I am-- although a good part of the blame also goes to my dad, the convert rebel who gets a charge out of being rational, yet terribly misunderstood every week in Sunday School. :0)

[_angsty]

Oh how I wish women like these were running the Church!

Seriously. It would result in a lot of good and very little to criticize.