Health Research at Cassius

The catch-all forum for general topics and debates. Minimal moderation. Rated PG to PG-13.
_Kishkumen
_Emeritus
Posts: 21373
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 10:00 pm

Health Research at Cassius

Post by _Kishkumen »

Greetings, MDBers:

I have been tapped to announce Cassius University's new research initiative in the exciting area of health and Mopologetics. As many of you know, Doctor Scratch has been a real trailblazer in his psychological approach to the connection between missionary trauma and longterm obsessive apologetic disorder (LOAD). Doubtless his research in this important area will continue to increase our understanding of the causes of chronic Mopologetics.

The new emphasis on STEM and the competitiveness of obtaining grants, however, recommend to us the advisability of seeking possible contributing physical factors to Mopologetics. Sure, historical trauma explains a lot, but could it be that there are other behaviors that trigger these latent tendencies and transform them into a chronic condition? What can we do for these poor souls who suffer so?

We are now accepting applications for a fellowship to pursue research into the connection between excessive sugar consumption and Mopologetics. As many of you know, Utah leads the nation in sugar consumption. As though the fact that most processed foods are jam-packed with corn syrup were not bad enough, Utahns far outstrip the rest of the nation in buying and consuming sugary treats. Experts attribute this not only to the high population of children, but also to religion. Mormons abuse sugar.

See this article.

Sugar is highly addictive and it wreaks havoc with our cognition and emotions. The temporary high of a sugar rush can lead to a near manic state. Blogging apologists may go on posting sprees, posting multiple short, "drive by" posts in a single day. When the crash comes, as it inevitably does, the mood darkens, anger grows, and sometimes paranoia begins to set in. An apologist may ask, "Who are my enemies?," or, "What are they saying about me now?" This feeds a cycle of manic posting that sets in once a new "hit" of sweet, sweet sugar is procured and consumed.

For the toxicity and addictiveness of sugar, see this article.

Is sugar worse for you than, say, cocaine? According to a 2012 article in the journal Nature, it's a toxic substance that should be regulated like tobacco and alcohol.


Until our research is completed and new treatments are implemented, we recommend that our Mopologist friends cautiously investigate the faith-oriented "Daniel Plan" website's offering on the subject of sugar addiction in order to seek relief in the short term: http://danielplan.com/healthyhabits/sugaraddiction/

For the rest of you, LDS or non-LDS, we ask that you step in and intervene. Don't let your Mopologist loved ones near a computer, tablet, or smartphone when they are on a sugar "bender." We all have to work together to fight this serious problem.
Last edited by Guest on Tue Jun 02, 2015 3:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Petition wasn’t meant to start a witch hunt as I’ve said 6000 times." ~ Hanna Seariac, LDS apologist
_Kishkumen
_Emeritus
Posts: 21373
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 10:00 pm

Re: Health Research at Cassius

Post by _Kishkumen »

Update

We have hit the ground running here at Cassius. Already preliminary findings are coming in and a lexicon of precise terminology is coming together. In the future, we will define the physical tendencies which lead to the development of chronic Mopologetics Simple Sugar Attraction, or SSA.

You may be born with Simple Sugar Attraction (SSA), but you do not have to act on it and then choose to engage in Mopologetic behaviors. Once you do, you may begin to think that you were just "born to do Mopologetics" or that you were "divinely called" to do it. This is a Satanic lie.

Remember, God would not create you a Mopologist. You have your agency.
Last edited by Guest on Tue Jun 02, 2015 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Petition wasn’t meant to start a witch hunt as I’ve said 6000 times." ~ Hanna Seariac, LDS apologist
_Doctor Steuss
_Emeritus
Posts: 4597
Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:57 pm

Re: Health Research at Cassius

Post by _Doctor Steuss »

Kishkumen wrote:Update

We have hit the ground running here at Cassius. Already preliminary findings are coming in and a lexicon of precise terminology is coming together. In the future, we will define the physical tendencies which lead to the development of chronic Mopologetics Simple Sugar Attraction, or SSA.

You may be born with Simple Sugar Attraction (SSA), but you do not have to act on it and then choose to engage in Mopologetic behaviors. Once you do, you may begin to think that you were just "born to do Mopologetics" or that your were "divinely called" to do it. This is a Satanic lie.

Remember, God would not create you a Mopologist. You have your agency.

Brilliant.
"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." ~Charles Bukowski
_Kishkumen
_Emeritus
Posts: 21373
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 10:00 pm

Re: Health Research at Cassius

Post by _Kishkumen »

Doctor Steuss wrote:Brilliant.


Will you be applying for a fellowship, Dr.?
"Petition wasn’t meant to start a witch hunt as I’ve said 6000 times." ~ Hanna Seariac, LDS apologist
_Doctor Steuss
_Emeritus
Posts: 4597
Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:57 pm

Re: Health Research at Cassius

Post by _Doctor Steuss »

Kishkumen wrote:Will you be applying for a fellowship, Dr.?

I am contemplating it, but I am concerned that my interrest in the larger LGBT (Lactose, Glucose, Biopolymer, and Trisaccharides) issue may be too broad, and not fit with the University's current research focus on SSA.
"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." ~Charles Bukowski
_Kishkumen
_Emeritus
Posts: 21373
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 10:00 pm

Re: Health Research at Cassius

Post by _Kishkumen »

Doctor Steuss wrote:I am contemplating it, but I am concerned that my interrest in the larger LGBT (Lactose, Glucose, Bopolymer, and Trisaccharides) issue may be too broad, and not fit with the University's current research focus on SSA.


Well, we have a generous slush fund for special research projects. Your LGBT research sounds intriguing. Do send us a proposal!
"Petition wasn’t meant to start a witch hunt as I’ve said 6000 times." ~ Hanna Seariac, LDS apologist
_canpakes
_Emeritus
Posts: 8541
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:54 am

Re: Health Research at Cassius

Post by _canpakes »

Kishkumen wrote:Update
You may be born with Simple Sugar Attraction (SSA), but you do not have to act on it and then choose to engage in Mopologetic behaviors.


I've been told by some that it is the Glucose Addiction Yearnings within a person that leads to SSA, but that it is possible to Pray the GAY Away.
_DrW
_Emeritus
Posts: 7222
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2009 2:57 am

Re: Health Research at Cassius

Post by _DrW »

As a small contribution to this laudable community effort, I would just add that the Mopologetically defended prohibition against consumption of anti-oxidant rich drinks such as coffee and tea, both of which are proven to ameliorate oxidative stress (including that resulting from over consumption of soluble sugars), simply serves to increase the health risks associated with SSA.
Last edited by Guest on Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
David Hume: "---Mistakes in philosophy are merely ridiculous, those in religion are dangerous."

DrW: "Mistakes in science are learning opportunities and are eventually corrected."
_DrW
_Emeritus
Posts: 7222
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2009 2:57 am

Re: Health Research at Cassius

Post by _DrW »

SSA sufferers who try to avoid the negative health consequences of sugar over consumption by switching to artificial sweeteners (the methadone of SSA) often end up in worse condition than if they had remained with the sugars and simply tried to reduce consumption.

Over time, artificial sweeteners cause deleterious changes in the bacterial populations of the gut microbiome, leading to reduced immune system function and increased risk of numerous resulting negative health consequences (including obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and degeneration of the neurological system).
David Hume: "---Mistakes in philosophy are merely ridiculous, those in religion are dangerous."

DrW: "Mistakes in science are learning opportunities and are eventually corrected."
_Kishkumen
_Emeritus
Posts: 21373
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 10:00 pm

Re: Health Research at Cassius

Post by _Kishkumen »

canpakes wrote:I've been told by some that it is the Glucose Addiction Yearnings within a person that leads to SSA, but that it is possible to Pray the GAY Away.


Very interesting, canpakes. You should throw your hat in the ring. I wonder, however, whether prayer coupled with a form of aversion therapy, like envisioning worms, vomit, and mucous on a king-sized candy bar, might be even more effective. You really should submit a proposal. Be sure, however, to conform to all of the university's safety protocols for experiments involving live human subjects. We don't want any inhumane practices such as aggressive electroshock therapy, etc. I know some institutions have engaged in it, but we at Cassius try to protect our human subjects from trauma. Indeed, we have discovered from researching the historical record of past experiments at other institutions that traumatizing subjects is only likely to lead to more virulent forms of Mopologetics.
"Petition wasn’t meant to start a witch hunt as I’ve said 6000 times." ~ Hanna Seariac, LDS apologist
Post Reply