Holland's Apostolic Blessing

[_Chap]

Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you for and in behalf of everyone who ever lived, and everyone who ever will live, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen...

Things that make you go "Huh".

And if all the temple work needs to caught up during the 1,000-year millennium, maybe one day could be all it takes.... https://www.lds.org/scriptures/New Testament/2-pet/3.8?lang=eng#7

Since all those dead people really, really need baptizing if Mormonism is true, why don't they just do it as Sethbag says? Saying it makes you go 'huh' is not really an answer.

Frankly, like the 'eternal family' business (I mean, how many of your ancestors' 'eternal families' can you be in at once?) this is yet another of those 'Mormonism simply doesn't make much sense' moments.

And as for your quotation of 2 Peter 3:8 - context, context as the apologists say. (Pseudo-)* Peter is trying to find an answer to the question 'Hey. I thought Jesus was supposed to have come back by now. So where is he?'. To which the not very effective answer is more or less 'Well, if God says he's going to pay us a visit next week, that means he might turn up some time in the next century'. Convincing? Not very.

*2 Peter is widely, and for good reasons, treated as pseudepigraphy (basically, a pious fake) by critical scholars, some of whom have placed it around 140 AD.

Chap, you're misunderstanding me on many levels.

I wasn't mocking sethbag.
I was instead intrigued by what he said, I added something else that came to mind, and took it for a quick ride around the block just to get a feel for how it might possibly explain a thing or two.

I wasn't suggesting you were mocking Sethbag. I just thought your post was rather a failure as a response to the very pertinent suggestion he made as to how all the dead could be baptized at once, and that your use of a quote from the pseudo-epistle 2 Peter was misleading.

If you think your posts are being misunderstood (through frankly there was not a lot there to misunderstand) I suggest that you try to make it clearer what you mean in future.

[_Sethbag]

I was only half sarcastic in my post about baptizing everyone at once. But only half. The other half was dead serious. If Holland could bless everyone who was there, everyone who was unable to attend, and all "those whom you pray for and weep for, upon the heads of all—men, women and children", done "As if my hands were upon your heads", with arms outstretched, invoking the priesthood and in the name of Jesus, then why can't he do the same with baptism?

baptize -R /*

Done.

[_Craig Paxton]

I want to leave you with a magical Apostolic Spell tonight, on every single one of you, upon your heads, in the name of Jesus Christ and through the power of my Super magical powers, the super duper magic of the Son Of God. (He used the full and actual name of the Melchezedik priesthood) "As if my hands were upon your heads," I invoke a spell upon all your heads. No, not just ours, on the heads of all who were unable to attend, upon the heads of those whom you pray for and weep for, upon the heads of all—men, women and children—this is not a male church‐‐a vicarious Spell through the power of my Super duper Magical Powers. I invoke a
Spell as if my hands were laid upon your heads. (He extend his hands in demonstration.) We believe in vicarious Spells! Vicarious actions are very important to the Lord (He then spoke about how important vicarious works are to the Lord. Referencing temple work, many actions of Magic are done vicariously) The Lord Loves you, He knows you and casts spells on you. In Particular, I Cast a spell on those women with private heartache, who are suffering and have faith in Jesus Christ. I cast a spell on you and ask you to cast spells on each other.

"Your righteousness will heal and bless those you pray over. Someday, somehow your faithfulness will count for the salvation and safety of those you love. They will come back. The White hats win here! Light always conquers darkness.” Your righteousness will count for the safety and protection of those you love. They can absolutely be saved by your faith and faithfulness to covenants. They have their agency and will have to eventually repent and pay the price. Hang on! Keep your covenants! I’m very upbeat on the Plan of Salvation!

I Cast a Spell on you and those you love. I cast a spell on those you cry for and pray about. Whatever the question, the Magic of Jesus Christ is the answer. Love it with all your heart! This is God’s Church. This is the Kingdom of God on Earth.

[_kairos]

Wait a minute!have you not heard? :President newsroom is about to announce that elder oaks known as the oakmeister has received a revelation called the "third anointing".

it happened like this. the oakman was sorting his christmas cards and so distraught he became as nearly
90% made no mention of baby jesus, so the oakmeister was feelng upset,sick and sad and asked his polygamous wife kristen if she would discreetly check his Depend, since he had not changed it all day.

Do good second wife did a quick check and she shouted "there is something there". lo the oakman shouted out with glee- "yea i have been anointed, yea for the third time" not only is my calling and election sure but i have proof that God works in mysterious ways-he has anointed by soul, even my ass with a perfumed anointing!" "i have smelled the glory of the Lord around about me; i must hasten to tell my brethern". Carefully his dear wife drove the anointed oakman to the temple where he met with the 14 apostles. Anointed with the smell of the anointing, each apostle gazed to see if it was true! elder Nelson muttered- it's true but it has never happened to me- ballard and hales and holland leaped with joy while bednar was searching in the toilet for "the tender mercies of the lord'. PSR monson shouted let's go shopping as if our Depends depended on it! eyring cried with emotion even as his nostrils quaked. finally the german apostle barfdorf shouted" this third anointing smells to highest heaven, PTL for allowing me to live to experence it.
After further deliberations the 15 decided the third anointing was too sacred to tell the sheep so they locked oakman's Depend in the first presidency vault.

upon hearing the news at utah state prison, mark hoffman was overheard saying he could duplicate the third anointing with 2 huggies taped together and a "load" from his private toilet-he muttered he could probably get $50k for it.

just musin
k

[_Tator]

The good news is that the oakmeister after the third anointing shouted, "I cast a smell on you and those you love. I cast a smell on those you cry for and pray about."

Sorry Craig I had to do it.

[_hagoth7]

I wasn't suggesting you were mocking Sethbag. I just thought your post was rather a failure as a response to the very pertinent suggestion he made as to how all the dead could be baptized at once...If you think your posts are being misunderstood (through frankly there was not a lot there to misunderstand) I suggest that you try to make it clearer what you mean in future.

My failure to respond, or your failure to comprehend? Tomatoe, Tomahto. Meh. From our numerous interactions in the past, and since others seem to understand me just fine, I'm beginning to believe you have very little desire to understood what I say/mean. Is that the case?

...and that your use of a quote from the pseudo-epistle 2 Peter was misleading.

Which again demonstrates that you misunderstood me. So you're saying you don't believe there's any distinction between man's time, prophet's time, and God's time? If so, fine. If you believe such an interpretation is "misleading", that's a separate matter. In what specific way do you feel it is "misleading"?. And why do you refer to 2 Peter as a "pseudo-epistle"?

[_hagoth7]

I was only half sarcastic in my post about baptizing everyone at once. But only half. The other half was dead serious. If Holland could bless everyone who was there, everyone who was unable to attend, and all "those whom you pray for and weep for, upon the heads of all—men, women and children", done "As if my hands were upon your heads", with arms outstretched, invoking the priesthood and in the name of Jesus, then why can't he do the same with baptism?

I know.

And I think it's a valid question.

[_Tobin]

I know.

And I think it's a valid question.

No it isn't. Without dead people, Mormons wouldn't be able to go through the Mormon temple more than once. Then they'd only need one temple and you just go there once in your life. But with all these people dying all over the place, they can go to this amusement park all the time. I'm not going back till they add a water slide though.

[_Sethbag]

...and that your use of a quote from the pseudo-epistle 2 Peter was misleading.

Which again demonstrates that you misunderstood me. So you're saying you don't believe there's any distinction between man's time, prophet's time, and God's time? If so, fine. If you believe such an interpretation is "misleading", that's a separate matter. In what specific way do you feel it is "misleading"?. And why do you refer to 2 Peter as a "pseudo-epistle"?

2 Peter is widely believe to be pseudepegriphy. That is, whoever wrote it, it probably wasn't really Peter.

[_Quasimodo]

No it isn't. Without dead people, Mormons wouldn't be able to go through the Mormon temple more than once. Then they'd only need one temple and you just go there once in your life. But with all these people dying all over the place, they can go to this amusement park all the time. I'm not going back till they add a water slide though.

I feel like Javert at the end of Le Miserables. I have to agree with Tobin on this.

Now I have to go jump into the Seine.