KimberlyAnn wrote:You're brilliant, Trevor!
KA
Aw, shucks!
Make your own Articles of Faith
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_Trevor
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Nephi wrote:I am sure I have more than this list below; this is by no means complete, but it gives a good understanding of my beliefs and spirituality...
There's some good stuff there, Nephi. I may not be on board with every last thing, but overall it's quite attractive.
“I was hooked from the start,” Snoop Dogg said. “We talked about the purpose of life, played Mousetrap, and ate brownies. The kids thought it was off the hook, for real.”
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_Nephi
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_The Dude
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Re: Make your own Articles of Faith
Trevor wrote:2. We believe that the Bible is the word of God, in whatever way is suitable to quell the fears of good Christians or win an argument. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as given to a few people who lived in ancient America among millions of others of its ancient inhabitants. The events of the Book of Mormon happened entirely in a 100 square-mile area. If God provided proof of the Book of Mormon, you couldn't exercise faith.
I laughed at many of your articles, but this was my favorite.
It has always seemed contradictory to me that God sought to provide Joseph with "Another Testament of Jesus Christ" in the Book of Mormon. Since the Bible was good enough for generations of apostate protestants and catholics, who has greater faith in Christ?
"And yet another little spot is smoothed out of the echo chamber wall..." Bond
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_ubermarie
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here's mine
These are not nearly as perfect as Trevor's, but here goes:
1.We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and that no way in hell the Holy Ghost is really Heavenly Mother.
2.We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression. We believe that women will be punished for their own sins and especially for Eve's transgression.
3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind, EVEN gays, may be saved; that those gays who have obeyed the non-gay laws and ordinances of the gospel will magically be de-gayed in the next life.
4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith® in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance©; third, Baptism™ by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands (patent pending) for the gift of the Holy Ghost. All rights reserved .
5. We believe that a woman must not be called.
6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, deacons, beehives, laurels, sunbeams, and so forth.
7.We believe that through the gift of tongues, missionaries can become fluent in Spanglish. We believe that through the interpretation of tongues, someone may tenuously understand them and be tricked into a Baptism™. We believe in obvious prophecy, vague revelation, NyQuil-induced visions, and the almighty healing power of Noni juice.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God when it is convenient for us. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, but are now worried about how convenient that is for us.
9.We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we, like fools, will believe all that He will yet reveal, and because most of it is contradictory and makes zero sense, many of us will end up in padded rooms, drooling into cups.
10. We believe that the literal gathering of Israel and the restoration of the Ten Tribes is all about wiping out indigenous cultures and replacing them with Ward Activity nights. We believe that Zion will be built in America, duh.
11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God with our money according to the dictates of our own corrupted conscience, and allow all men the same privilege of creating billion dollar tax-exempt corporations to “worship” how, where, or what they may.
12 We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, but all the time bitching about liberals while hoarding wheat and maxi-pads for the inevitable, but awesome!, destruction of civilization.
13 We believe in appearing to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent and virtuous, and in doing good to all men so long as the cameras are rolling. We believe all crap, we hope all crap, and have endured s***loads of crap, and hope to be able to endure all the crap that God sees fit to test us with if he gets moody. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we are immediately suspicious and wait for the thumbs-down sign from our leaders.
1.We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and that no way in hell the Holy Ghost is really Heavenly Mother.
2.We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression. We believe that women will be punished for their own sins and especially for Eve's transgression.
3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind, EVEN gays, may be saved; that those gays who have obeyed the non-gay laws and ordinances of the gospel will magically be de-gayed in the next life.
4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith® in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance©; third, Baptism™ by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands (patent pending) for the gift of the Holy Ghost. All rights reserved .
5. We believe that a woman must not be called.
6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, deacons, beehives, laurels, sunbeams, and so forth.
7.We believe that through the gift of tongues, missionaries can become fluent in Spanglish. We believe that through the interpretation of tongues, someone may tenuously understand them and be tricked into a Baptism™. We believe in obvious prophecy, vague revelation, NyQuil-induced visions, and the almighty healing power of Noni juice.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God when it is convenient for us. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, but are now worried about how convenient that is for us.
9.We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we, like fools, will believe all that He will yet reveal, and because most of it is contradictory and makes zero sense, many of us will end up in padded rooms, drooling into cups.
10. We believe that the literal gathering of Israel and the restoration of the Ten Tribes is all about wiping out indigenous cultures and replacing them with Ward Activity nights. We believe that Zion will be built in America, duh.
11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God with our money according to the dictates of our own corrupted conscience, and allow all men the same privilege of creating billion dollar tax-exempt corporations to “worship” how, where, or what they may.
12 We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, but all the time bitching about liberals while hoarding wheat and maxi-pads for the inevitable, but awesome!, destruction of civilization.
13 We believe in appearing to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent and virtuous, and in doing good to all men so long as the cameras are rolling. We believe all crap, we hope all crap, and have endured s***loads of crap, and hope to be able to endure all the crap that God sees fit to test us with if he gets moody. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we are immediately suspicious and wait for the thumbs-down sign from our leaders.
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_KimberlyAnn
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_Blixa
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Re: here's mine
ubermarie wrote:
13 We believe in appearing to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent and virtuous, and in doing good to all men so long as the cameras are rolling. We believe all crap, we hope all crap, and have endured s***loads of crap, and hope to be able to endure all the crap that God sees fit to test us with if he gets moody. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we are immediately suspicious and wait for the thumbs-down sign from our leaders.
Well done! The bolded part is my favorite as it reminds me of my own exit story phrase, "If there is anything mediocre, ersatz, of inferior quality, or middlebrow...” 'cept yours is better!
From the Ernest L. Wilkinson Diaries: "ELW dreams he's spattered w/ grease. Hundreds steal his greasy pants."
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_Trevor
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Re: here's mine
ubermarie wrote:These are not nearly as perfect as Trevor's, but here goes:
Are you kidding? Yours are heeeelarious!!!
“I was hooked from the start,” Snoop Dogg said. “We talked about the purpose of life, played Mousetrap, and ate brownies. The kids thought it was off the hook, for real.”
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_Trevor
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Re: here's mine
Blixa wrote:Well done! The bolded part is my favorite as it reminds me of my own exit story phrase, "If there is anything mediocre, ersatz, of inferior quality, or middlebrow...” 'cept yours is better!
I found this portion of your exit story truly inspiring! Great stuff.
“I was hooked from the start,” Snoop Dogg said. “We talked about the purpose of life, played Mousetrap, and ate brownies. The kids thought it was off the hook, for real.”
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_Blixa
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Re: here's mine
Trevor wrote:Blixa wrote:Well done! The bolded part is my favorite as it reminds me of my own exit story phrase, "If there is anything mediocre, ersatz, of inferior quality, or middlebrow...” 'cept yours is better!
I found this portion of your exit story truly inspiring! Great stuff.
*shucks*
From the Ernest L. Wilkinson Diaries: "ELW dreams he's spattered w/ grease. Hundreds steal his greasy pants."