Reasons not to marry someone--emotional baggage? Virginity?

[_Moniker]

I never "looked for" a marriage partner.

Hahaaa... me neither! Good point!

[_asbestosman]

I never "looked for" a marriage partner.

Marriage is a commandment for LDS.

That said, I went about it by looking first for friends, and then looking at marriage material from that pool.

[_asbestosman]

I know for myself it's the present attitudes and present emotions of the person that are most significant as opposed to the actual events in the past. I believe people can change. That doesn't mean I'd be well suited for someone who was abused. Maybe I would have been. I really don't know. I also worry, though, that the past can be indicative of the future--perhaps that's an unfair concern. Everyone changes.

I don't believe in automatic disqualifers for a significant other besides being abusive, or manipulative. I do, however, think it's wise to know your own limits, weaknesses, and what you are prepared to handle. I also think it works both ways. Perhaps it's best for nevermos to avoid LDS and ex-LDS when they aren't ready for that.

[_Blixa]

I never "looked for" a marriage partner.

Marriage is a commandment for LDS.

That said, I went about it by looking first for friends, and then looking at marriage material from that pool.

Yes I know. Only one of many things that turned me off about it from the get go.

[_beastie]

I dunno, I actually at times think I'm a bit less screwed up than some of the people here.

You are less screwed up than we are. I'm not blowing sunshine up your patootie, just stating what I think is the truth.

Mormons and exmormons, by definition, have a heck of a lot of baggage. By appearances, we may seem to have it all together - we're usually productive members of society, usually not engaging in damaging addictive behavior (other than over-eating), focused on family. But scratch beneath the surface and there's a whole lot brewing.

[_beastie]

While there are some general* rules that I think are useful - for example, an extremely religious person probably ought not to marry an atheist - some "rules" are more personal. My children have the so-called "honor" of having mood disorders prevalent on BOTH sides of their family tree. Only one suffers from a mood disorder, but the genetic inclination is likely still present in the others. For that reason, I've advised them repeatedly to be aware that having children with another person with a similar history greatly increases the likelihood that at least some children will also suffer from a mood disorder. Obviously, I hope that's not a universal rule ALL people adhere to, otherwise my children would be rejected by all, and they are decent, loving people with great capacity for healthy relationships in the future. I just don't want their children to win an unfortunate genetic lottery. I'd like them to balance our familial weakness by choosing someone without mood disorder in the family. Likewise, we have auto-immune disorders in our family, and I hope they don't end up with someone with a similar tendency.

Whenever possible, I also think it's advisable to try to avoid an age difference of greater than ten years, as well as to avoid great cultural differences.

But let's face it. People fall in love with their hearts, not their heads, and once in love, usually aren't making logical, calculated decisions anymore. A lot of it, frankly, is the luck of the draw.

Having said that, until I became LDS, I never looked for a spouse, either, and didn't really think about whether or not I'd get married one day at all. My sons, however, definitely want to get married and have kids. My daughter is a bit more skeptical. My greatest hope is that none of them consider marriage until they're done with their education and have somewhat stable careers. (of course, now-a-days, stable careers are pretty unheard of in the first place....)


*general rules in that most of the time it's a predictor of compatibility, although specific cases of success exist

[_The Nehor]

Aw, Nehor.... that hurts my feelings. :(


Okay... this is something I've actually thought about after dealing with Mos and ex-Mos. I've just got to say that I see LOADS of emotional baggage. And I mean, a significant amount. And some of the indoctrination and sexual immaturity really makes me wonder if I could deal with that as well. I think sometimes having similar backgrounds is important.

People talk about leaving the Church, the break ups of their families, etc... and these are things that people talk about for YEARS, I mean sometimes there are people still talking about these things 20 years later! I dunno, I actually at times think I'm a bit less screwed up than some of the people here.

You were a devil worshipper?

[_Moniker]

Aw, Nehor.... that hurts my feelings. :(

You were a devil worshipper?

Well, I have read LeVay's Satanic Bible and did a few of the rituals with some dorks that really were into it.

But, nah -- I suppose not. So we're on for next Friday? ;)

[_The Nehor]

Well, I have read LeVay's Satanic Bible and did a few of the rituals with some dorks that really were into it.

But, nah -- I suppose not. So we're on for next Friday? ;)

By worshipper I meant someone who was a hard-core believer in the Devil.

So yeah, Friday is good.....would you prefer a movie or frisbee golf?

[_Brackite]

Marriage is a commandment for LDS.

Did you read that, Nehor? J/K.