DCP: Shocking Animal Cruelty Allegations Revealed

[_Nightingale]

... that's how I would have done it if I had done it. Which I didn't.

Four words will suffice.

If I Did It.

[_MsJack]

Several years ago, a family pet (Buffy the Cat--no relation to the Slayer) disappeared under very mysterious circumstances. He was elderly, had cataracts in both eyes, and had clearly seen better days.

On the night in question, after having been being fed and doted on, he was let outside to roam the woods, as was his wont. He was never seen again. Not by any members of my family, at any rate.

My parents attributed his disappearance to some random denizen of our sizable coyote population. I always considered that explanation a little too pat, just a bit too clean.

I had all but forgotten about Buffy the Cat until this evening when, like a bolt from the blue, I realized I had no idea where Daniel C. Peterson was on the night of Buffy's "coyote-related" disappearance.

Naturally, I put two and two together and got Cat Stew with, most likely, red potatoes and, I assume, common Imperator carrots (though the sweet Nantes seems the obvious choice to counteract Buffy's probable gaminess).

You heard right.

Shocking new allegations have just come to light and apparently implicate Daniel C. Peterson in what amounts to pet theft and cruelty to animals. I, even I, one so personally involved in the case, was blithely unaware of these allegations—had never even heard them, until I spoke them aloud several minutes ago.

What seems clear at this point, especially given his tightlippedness regarding his whereabouts on the night in question (he has yet to even contact me about an "alibi"), is that Daniel "C." (Cat?) Peterson butchered and stewed Buffy the Cat in some sort of twisted achronological revenge attack upon me.

The butchering was presumably preceded by vivisection and presumably followed, as noted above, by poor carrot selection.

I've made my case. All I want are some answers, “Daniel.”

Where were you that night? Or, are you going to evade The Truth yet again? I ask in all sincerity. The Shakespeare Festival won't save you this time because, presumably, it's not happening right now. Nice attempt to dodge the issue, though.

9.5/10

I would have given you a 10 if you had used this picture to go along with it...

[_Gadianton]

and covering their naked bodies with grape jelly

Huh. So that means that you undress them first, men and women? You are pulling the tighty whities off of hairy dudes, something that no doubt forces your clenched fingers to run down their upper thighs and buttocks and gets your face awfully close to the crotch, and then in full view of the nakedness you just uncovered, you lay them outside in the dirt? And I can only imagine how you spread that jelly.

And you like doing this, all the time? It's something you have a lot of practice with?

[_cksalmon]

and covering their naked bodies with grape jelly

Huh. So that means that you undress them first, men and women? You are pulling the tighty whities off of hairy dudes, something that no doubt forces your clenched fingers to run down their upper thighs and buttocks and gets your face awfully close to the crotch, and then in full view of the nakedness you just uncovered, you lay them outside in the dirt? And I can only imagine how you spread that jelly.

And you like doing this, all the time? It's something you have a lot of practice with?

It's not cool to parody oneself in my parody thread.

I call Shenanigans.

PS. I was hoping to save this comment for Droopy, but you outdid him—and that ain't an easy feat.

[_KimberlyAnn]

PS. I was hoping to save this comment for Droopy, but you outdid him—and that ain't an easy feat.

Droopy deserves it.

I gots something to add to what Gad said, but it's crass and I know I shouldn't. So, I'm biting my tongue. Hard. I think it's gonna bleed.

KA

[_cksalmon]

PS. I was hoping to save this comment for Droopy, but you outdid him—and that ain't an easy feat.

Droopy deserves it.

I gots something to add to what Gad said, but it's crass and I know I shouldn't. So, I'm biting my tongue. Hard. I think it's gonna bleed.

KA

That is a great song, Kimbers.

In your sig.

I like it because it's nerd specific.

[_cksalmon]

ediotI think that's a G Maj bar chord. (In the chorus.) Masterfully deployed.

I don't even care that he's an erstwhile member of the Jayhawks at this point.

Nice.

EDIT: No, it's a nice change from C Maj bar to G Maj bar. Subtle and nice. You can't tell where guys's fingers are going to go.

Lesson One.

[_bcspace]

What seems clear at this point, especially given his tightlippedness regarding his whereabouts on the night in question (he has yet to even contact me about an "alibi"), is that Daniel "C." (Cat?) Peterson butchered and stewed Buffy the Cat in some sort of twisted achronological revenge attack upon me.

I think you lost your cat because you did not have the appropriate tools of cat ownership such as the nifty Tabby Tote.....

[_Daniel Peterson]

Daniel essentially confessed to being responsible for the phenomena that is commonly known as "Road Kill".

What? You thought maybe it was caused by cars?

ROTFL. I'll bet you don't believe crop circles are caused by aliens, either . . .

My only question is how is he able to exact his spree all over the country in just one night? Is he like some magically diabolical Santa figure gone wrong?

Hasn't it ever struck you as suspicious that Santa is just Satan, scrambled? Move the n, and you've got it. I think the technical term for that is hiding in plain sight.

[_Jersey Girl]

Daniel essentially confessed to being responsible for the phenomena that is commonly known as "Road Kill".

What? You thought maybe it was caused by cars?

ROTFL. I'll bet you don't believe crop circles are caused by aliens, either . . .

My only question is how is he able to exact his spree all over the country in just one night? Is he like some magically diabolical Santa figure gone wrong?

Hasn't it ever struck you as suspicious that Santa is just Satan, scrambled? Move the n, and you've got it. I think the technical term for that is hiding in plain sight.

Well, Daniel...according to the reliable (and deranged) folks over at Landover Baptist, Santa IS Satan.

Don't ask me how I know this.