A Bit Of History

[_moksha]

Trump: "Tariffs will be imposed on Mexico until its Diez de Mayo and then Fifteen de Mayo. We will keep increasing the Mayos until Mexico stops letting Ceeboo's puns cross the border."

[_moksha]

"Not saying they were lying, but the biggest I saw at D-Day was only a C-cup".
-- Donald Trump, Somewhere in Europe

[_Res Ipsa]

Roy Rogers was proud of his new footwear. He polished them until he could see his reflection them. Then he set them on the porch, like he always did.

The next morning, to his horror, his new pride and joys were lying on the porch, horribly mangled. And leading away from the porch were the biggest cougar tracks he’d ever seen. He grabbed his faithful shootin’ iron and his old, worn out boots, and set out, itching for revenge.

Several hours later he returned, with enormous cougar skin draped over his back. As he approached the house, he saw Dale Evans sitting on the porch. When she saw what was draped over his shoulders, her eyes grew wide. “Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”

[_Bret Ripley]

“Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”

How can you tell that a pun is mature? It's full groan.

[_Morley]

Roy Rogers to Trigger: "Would you like some hay?"

Trigger: "No thanks, Roy. I'm stuffed."

[_Bret Ripley]

A priest, a rabbi, and a piece of string go into a bar, where the bartender serves the priest and the rabbi but says to the string: "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

The string, understandably upset, leaves the bar to vent its frustration. It bunches itself into a tangled ball and throws itself against the bar's brick facade, scuffing itself up in the process.

After settling down, the string goes back into the bar and orders a sarsaparilla. As the bartender is about to serve the drink he takes a second look, and says: "Say, aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out of here?"

"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot."

[_Lemmie]

Roy Rogers was proud of his new footwear. He polished them until he could see his reflection them. Then he set them on the porch, like he always did.

The next morning, to his horror, his new pride and joys were lying on the porch, horribly mangled. And leading away from the porch were the biggest cougar tracks he’d ever seen. He grabbed his faithful shootin’ iron and his old, worn out boots, and set out, itching for revenge.

Several hours later he returned, with enormous cougar skin draped over his back. As he approached the house, he saw Dale Evans sitting on the porch. When she saw what was draped over his shoulders, her eyes grew wide. “Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”

Okay, I admit I didn't get this one and had to look it up; I finally found it on a joke subreddit. One of the comments made about the joke (after the explanation) I fully agree with:

"I love jokes that are so bad they are awesome."

[_Res Ipsa]

Me too!

[_Gunnar]

An African tribe in South Africa had a prized mascot known as the main bird. It was a large, flightless bird about the size of an ostrich, and the last of its kind. It had been with the tribe for generations, and no one knew just how old it actually was. It had a beautiful song with which it awakened their entire village every morning, until one morning, its beloved song was not heard. A search party assigned to find it, found it lying near the outskirts of the village, obviously very sick and apparently dying. Their local witch doctor, upon examining it, decided that the main bird was unhappy, and could be restored to health only by making it happy again.

There just happened to be an international comedians convention in Cape Town at the time featuring many of the worlds finest comedians, who voluntarily agreed to come to the village to cheer up the main bird. Unfortunately, their funniest jokes and comedy routines had no effect, and the main bird only got weaker and more listless. After this failure, the village decided to give modern veterinary medicine a shot at curing the main bird, and got the finest, and most renowned veterinarian in South Africa to donate his time and services to examine and treat the bird. After a careful examination and various tests, he concluded that the main bird was suffering from a rare nutritional deficiency that could be cured only by feeding it yeast. That didn't seem to help either, and the bird continued to get weaker. Finally, the wisest man of the village (Rudyard Kipling) felt compelled to sadly acknowledge, "Well, yeast is yeast and jest is jest, but never the main shall tweet."

[_Bret Ripley]

"Well, yeast is yeast and jest is jest, but never the main shall tweet."

This one actually caused a little physical pain. Well done!