Blixa wrote:I never really believed in god. The whole concept never made much sense when I thought about it, but then as a small child I didn't think it about it that much. I didn't grow up in an active household: while my parents had some kind of god belief they didn't really stress it, and while my mother made my brothers and I go to Sunday School and Primary (and later MIA/Scouts/etc), they didn't attend unless one of their children was doing something (a talk, a performance, getting baptized, etc.) So visible belief was not required, thus I didn't give a lot of thought to pondering the existence of a deity. I gave much more thought to the existence of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and faeries. I had hard evidence of those (at least in my mind)---I saw faeries.
I love hearing about your faeries, Blixa! :) I actually have always had a mind that sort of drifts off to the numinous -- which made me feel rather insane before I learned about neurotheology -- I'm glad I'm not alone in that. My mother told me when I was quite young the Easter Bunny wasn't real. I ran to my best friends house and then told her. Her mother stomped over to my house and fussed at my mother! Santa was ruined for me in Japan when I asked the Japanese kids about Santa coming. They had never heard of him!! What about Santa whipping about in his sleigh all over the world?? It was BS!!! Well, needless to say that was a bummer!!!
Everything about church turned me off. As I've detailed ad nauseum in my autobiographical posts on this board and my board blog, I had a visceral reaction against what struck me as its unrelenting ugliness and mediocrity. I was an early reader, and had easily read a good chunk of the "canon" in grade school. While my early aesthetic standards were naïvely traditionalist, they did provide a point of absolute contrast with what was on offer at church. As I got a bit older, the severe anti-feminism of late 60's and early 70's Mormonism, as well as priesthood ban on blacks, were enough to make me decide which side I was on.
I wonder if growing up and watching so much nature worship made it difficult for me to transition to the closed in building modes of worship. I find rather uncomfortable sitting in a row with people all about, it's actually quite stifling for me. More so than the atmosphere is knowing I'm in the midst of people that have beliefs in which I don't hold and at any moment someone may actually ask me about my views. There is an old country chapel that is nestled in the woods that I used to go to frequently. It's has old pine floors, old hand carved pews, it is so still there -- and for some reason always oddly chilly... THAT is my favorite Church. It's sparse... no stained glass, just the floors, the pews, the simple pulpit, and the chill air. It's the most lovely Church I've ever been in. Something about it just is tranquil and simple -- it appeals to me. Carpeted floors, ornamentations, etc... remind me of hotel lobbies... I can see why others may think they're beautiful -- and I can appreciate some of them... yet, they don't impress tranquility unto me.
I was probably in Jr. High school when I gave some more thought to the issue of Is There A God? I never "felt" like there was "somebody" there, and from my public school knowledge of science and history, abetted by own vociferous outside reading, it seemed like there was no explanatory necessity for belief. In fact, I remember in second grade how a My Weekly Reader article on DNA and genetics prompted me to consider the idea that "god" was a way of explaining things before people knew how they worked. Anyway, my Jr. High school brain was more focused on ethical issues and the Vietnam War (hey, anyone remember when the american media actually covered wars with journalism and photographs?) provided the rock on which any lingering idea of god finally broke for good. While the existence of god still made no rational sense to me, I didn't even care anymore because if He did exist, I wanted nothing to do with an entity so capricious and cruel.
I never really even understood that "God" of Christianity was cruel until I lately learned some about the Old Testament. The God of my youth was just I created in my mind -- I liked Him. :) I actually was able to completely dismiss the lingering notion of God when I started reading Greek tragedy! For some reason I went through about 2 years in Jr. High being fascinated with the Roman and Greek culture... as I read about their Gods something just sort of snapped open for me in my mind and it was an "aha" moment -- yet, I couldn't quite articulate what I understood with reasoning. Yet, it was just the simple understanding that God is merely fantastical fiction, and sometimes cruel fiction.
Basically the whole thing never seemed remotely believable to me. I lasted a few more years in church, but mostly because of the general socal pressure of teenage fitting in. A different religion, one with a richer culture and more progressive social ideals might have kept me in longer, as a kind of not-really-believing-in-god-but-thinking-the-institution-did-some-good type that I think many church goers, across all denominations, are.
I've been a life-long academic and most of my close friends and those I socialize with are writers, journalists, artists, musicians, people who work in intellectual and creative fields. I rarely run into anyone who is a believer, the whole thing has been a complete non-issue the greater part of my life.
I run into people that are believers all the time. I don't mind that they believe -- it just is uncomfortable, for me, when they talk to me about their beliefs. I smile and nod. It's not a pleasant experience, for me, for some reason. I wish that wasn't so, it actually makes me feel bad that there is a certain topic that I'm so hesitant to discuss with people, yet, I don't see that changing anytime soon, for me.
Thanks for your reply!