Lem wrote: ↑Mon May 24, 2021 7:25 am
Thank you. In my case I just had to put my head down and power through. I was alone and in graduate school in a very male dominant field, after being raised in an extremely patriarchal environment. I just knew that I had to do what I thought was right even though for many, many years, I had no one, and I mean NO ONE, in my life who supported me in that. Gradually, I was able to find a different way of living, and also a different group of people to live that life with. Sometimes I look back and think— how on earth did I make that transition??? It just doesn’t seem doable now, but back then, I think I didn’t realize how hard it would be and how long the pain would go on, so I just kept going.
That's amazing. I always admire the people who pulled themselves out of the cult pre-Internet era. It goes a long ways to show what kind of internal fortitude you had. I had serious issues with the "church" even before I left for my mission in '90, but as a young man I couldn't really understand what I was thinking and feeling context to the issues that were bothering me - I was also unusually susceptible to peer pressure so I just rolled over. During my mission I read SO MUCH and realized that things were not what they seemed, but I, as you say, powered through it and hit all the check marks because the brainwashing and social conventions were so strong. It wasn't long after I married in the temple (ugh, the temple) that I went inactive because I couldn't resolve what I knew and social pressures I felt. I was just going to stick it out, even though it made me miserable.
Something about the "church" was damned me up, but I lacked the cognition to make that last leap of "the church isn't true, it's a lie".
Then in 2001, after years of being a terrible 'apologist' for the "church" someone who was also a faithful apologist (there was an old forum called ldstalk we frequented) left the faith and suggested we check out
https://www.exmormon.org/. I couldn't believe it. This faithful guy, a true stalwart of the faith, was out. It took me
weeks of opening and closing that site before I read this:
https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/list.php?3,page=1 <- granted those stories are recent, but back then they had all the exit stories that were relevant to my era. One night while on leave from the Army and visiting my in-laws in Tennessee, I opened those stories and read throughout the night. I couldn't believe it. All these people were me. All their stories were mine. And that night my shelf collapsed and that was that for me.
I had already lost my mother due to my inactivity, and after that night I lost my wife, my kids, my worldview, everything. Thank god someone set up another forum called 'exmo-social' where I had the support to transition. It was messy, and I made a lot of mistakes - many of which were repeated here, but little by little I think I balanced out, as well as I could (I recognize I'm a deeply flawed human being, but at least the flaws are my own and not so much the conditioning of my Mormon world).
So. Lemmie. I admire you and others who found their footing without that support. I really don't know how you did it, but you DID IT. When you're on your deathbed I hope, as you're looking back on your life, you take pride in that accomplishment. It was and is a monument to your character.
- Doc
