LDS and stay at home moms?

[_Jersey Girl]

scottveg3,

What Im attempting to do is engage you in diagloge. I asked you in the post you're replying to:


What part of my comments requires one to have grown up in the LDS environment?

And prior to that, I asked you another question regarding what you think in life "they" missed by being only parents.

Those are the questions I asked you. Would you mind answering them?

[_Jersey Girl]

scottveg3,

One last series of comments to you because I don't expect you to engage in any sort of fruitful discourse here. Nowhere in my comments on this thread have I claimed to know first hand what it is like to be an LDS woman.

I supplied factual answers based on what one might consider to be a random sampling of a group of approximately 50 or so LDS women and their family circumstances (working history, volunteerism, parenting constructs) that I've served and "lived with" for (in this group) about 16 years now. I know them professionally and on a casual basis. My comments about them are no less valid than your assertions regarding parenting. Are you a parent?

Your characterizing my comments and questions to you as launching a "diatribe" is an indication to me that you don't wish for anyone to ask you to explain your comments. In a perfect world, that might be so. Not so, on a board like this that is set up for the purpose of discussion.

Whether or not you've thought about it, experienced it or acknowledge it, you give no indication tht you understand what the nature of a relationships or multiple relationships between non-LDS and LDS women (or men for that matter) would consist of or what information/knowledge/observations one might gather as a confidant (camp on that word for a second) to LDS Mom's. That is to say, as the recipient of confidential information shared between women either in a professional or casual situation.

I know all too well, the pressure that some LDS Mom's feel to keep home and family life in top order, fulfill multiple callings and earn income when that is the case. Given the importance that some LDS place on appearances, who do you think they unload their worries and complaints on?

It is not uncommon at all for a member to share their stresses and even their doubts with someone who is outside of their church, knowing that the comments will be kept confidential and away from the church group and not circulated amongst the entire Ward.

Even on boards like these, scottveg3 where people choose anonymity so that they can express themselves freely, people still sometimes wish to have someone to "walk" with them as they examine their doubts. But what would I know about that...

Jersey Girl

[_Seven]

On the PBS special "The Mormons" it was mentioned that the church encourages mothers to stay home but that there are just as many LDS mothers working outisde the home as non LDS mothers. I don't know where they got their statistic from. In my experience, most LDS women stay home to raise the children. I have done both at different times and prefer to stay home. I enjoy all the homemaking and love to be home with my kids, but I know LDS women who hate being home and only do it because they feel it's their duty and role as a woman. It is frowned upon for mothers to work in LDS culture. Although it's become more common today to see LDS mothers work outisde the home, it is still looked down upon by other mothers.

It's also a sensitive subject for the LDS man to admit his wife is working. I was working part time for a few years to help out with our finances and always had comments made to me by other LDS moms (esp. family) about when I planned to quit my job and how many hours I was out of the home etc. They would talk about my husband like he was "Mr. Mom" as if I had no place in my kids life any longer, and was neglecting my home. It made my DH defensive and took away some of his pride as the provider and man of the house. I believe he was embarrassed to tell people I was working and he would ask me to not talk about my job so much with other people.

All of the TBM LDS women in my family are stay at home moms and proud of it. I believe they were a little jealous when I did work part time (I made more money than their husbands) and took it out on me. They would talk about other working moms and the harm it does to their kids right in front of me, all the time. I know many of their comments were intended to be critical of me and it was hurtful at the time. Now that I am home full time, I can look back and see that it was their own insecurities causing them to judge me. Oh, the most hurtful times were when my MIL would attribute any behavior issue she witnessed by my toddler or baby from me working. I was only out of the home a few half days a week, but she would constantly blame my job on any little thing she perceived as a problem with my children.

The stay at home home vs. working mom is a very sensitive topic among all women and one that we judge eachother far to harshly on.

[_Blixa]

A lot has changed. My oldest daughter attends BYU. She just finished a masters thesis. She is married and has been for four years and no kids yet. She is as I type in England presenting her thesis at a symposium in England. She plans to take a year or two break, is working on getting a job in Italy teaching english and then perhaps going on for a PhD. Her BYU professors are very much behind her. She tells me that while many females she knows at BYU are opting to have kids and stay home she knows a lot of women like her as well that want to pursue education and career. Her husband did not want education beyond a BS degree and now works. He is very supportive of her desires and it seems to work for them.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm pleased for your daughter and I hope that others like her are as supported in their work.

[_Jersey Girl]

Seven,

I loved your above post because you brought up so many underlying social issues such as the husband who might feel put on the spot if his wife were working outside the home. I personally, don't think that a couple should feel a need to defend their choices to anyone so long as the children's needs are being addressed. There is an aspect in LDS culture that you drew attention to in your post...the need for some to lay "blame" or criticize others.

I don't particularly think that's peculiar to Mormon culture but it does seem to be more highly concentrated in that situation. We regularly see public debate on what role women and men should take in our society and what path they should follow with regards to parenting.

Who makes up these "shoulds"? I think "they" should butt out!

Jersey Girl

[_Scottveg3]

Well if someone has a child at the age of 20 or 21, they miss out on being an adult without the added responsibilities of children. I can only speak from my own goals and desires as to what is important to me as an individual. I have always wanted to travel and live in another country. If I where a parent I would have lost the opportunities to travel to Italy and live among italians. I was able to do that at the age of 25. i would never have been able to had I been married with children.

It all depends on what dreams that individual woman has. If her dream is to have children as soon as possible, more power to her.

As to which of your posts require one who is Mormon to be able to post on. none. you can post whatever you want. You said that everythign was from your point of view dealing with many many Mormon families over the course of years. I said that the view of familes is different when you are one. I am not negating your posts. So stop attacking me like I am. I am saying that when you arent a Mormon woman, you can not speak as if you have walked in our shoes. Its like saying to someone, I know lots of black people, therefore I know what its like to be black.

[_Yoda]

Who makes up these "shoulds"? I think "they" should butt out!

Jersey Girl

You bring up a good point, Jersey Girl.

The "should's" tend to be nosy people in the Ward, or the tamber of the Mormon culture. Most Mormon congregations are very close-knit, and are the social focal point for members. I think that is one of the reason I have never really grown close to church members. The women, in particular, I have a hard time relating to.

I have always worked. I went back to school and earned a Master's degree in Computer Science when I was 36. While some would find that admirable, I am still "pitied" among my sisters-in-law because I am the only sister-in-law who "has" to work.

It doesn't matter that I have accomplished great things in my teaching career, am in the process of developing a small business, and have still managed to raise three great kids.

OK...my rant is over for the day. LOL

[_Mercury]

Are women encouraged to get an education? It seems to me if the women ever get divorced they would have a difficult time getting employed.

that's the point - nowhere to run if they are in an abusive relationship.

[_Jason Bourne]

that's the point - nowhere to run if they are in an abusive relationship.

But women in the LDS Church are encouraged to get eduacated today so that blows that fallacy out of the water.

[_Mercury]

But women in the LDS Church are encouraged to get eduacated today so that blows that fallacy out of the water.

Are they? lets look at what degrees are prevalent among the upper middle class educated women. Hmm, looks mostly like homemaking and "family-centric" programs. Go figure.

And besides...are they REALLY encouraged to do so? No they are not. They are encouraged to get married, have kids and then if they have a chance it might be good for them to be educated.

Ask yourself how a bishop would advise a girl contemplating marriage or school. You do the math. And don't give your usual faire of stating the more rational choice dressed up in infrequently stated views of a minority of Mormons.