I know you are serious Jason..but really.
Let me ask you some questions.
Why would Oliver Cowdery need to go into the woods to view plates...if he was one of the scribes and plates were not even needed, not only were they not needed and used but he was the scribe for a good proportion of it..something like over 80% of it I believe?
Were the plates observed with natural eyes as opposed to spiritual eyes by all witnesses. If not which ones saw with spiritual eyes, which ones with natural.
Of all the witness which ones saw with natural eye and were able to examine the plates, turning the pages etc?
Did the witnesses hear the voice of God with natural hearing or with spiritual hearing?
If the hearing the voice of god per Book of Mormon statementm was with natural hearing...then why didn't Harris hear at the same time as Cowdery and D. Whitmer?
So will start with those.
It is my understanding that Harris was the only one who, when challenged, back peddled and took the position that what he say and heard were not with his natural eyes or ears but rather a spiritual phenomenon.
Here is their written testimony as found in the Book of Mormon:
THE TESTIMONY OF THREE WITNESSES
Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people, unto whom this work shall come: That we, through the grace of God the Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, have seen the plates which contain this record, which is a record of the people of Nephi, and also of the Lamanites, their brethren, and also of the people of Jared, who came from the tower of which hath been spoken. And we also know that they have been translated by the gift and power of God, for his voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a surety that the work is true. And we also testify that we have seen the engravings which are upon the plates; and they have been shown unto us by the power of God, and not of man. And we declare with words of soberness, that an angel of God came down from heaven, and he brought and laid before our eyes, that we beheld and saw the plates, and the engravings thereon; and we know that it is by the grace of God the Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, that we beheld and bear record that these things are true. And it is marvelous in our eyes. Nevertheless, the voice of the Lord commanded us that we should bear record of it; wherefore, to be obedient unto the commandments of God, we bear testimony of these things. And we know that if we are faithful in Christ, we shall rid our garments of the blood of all men, and be found spotless before the judgment-seat of Christ, and shall dwell with him eternally in the heavens. And the honor be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost, which is one God. Amen.
Oliver Cowdery
David Whitmer
Martin Harris
Further Cowdrey gives witness to actual and literal visitations from John the Baptist and Peter James and John. Here are some other comments he made:
Oliver Cowdery, Witness to the Book of Mormon
I was present with Joseph when an holy angel from God came down from heaven and conferred on us, or restored, the lesser or Aaronic Priesthood, and said to us, at the same time, that it should remain upon the earth while the earth stands. I was also present with Joseph when the higher or Melchizedek Priesthood was conferred by the holy angel from on high. This Priesthood, we then conferred on each other by the will and commandment of God.
History of the Church, 1:41, footnote.
The assurance that we were in the presence of an angel; the certainty that we heard the voice of Jesus, and the truth unsullied as it flowed from a pure personage, dictated by the will of God, is to me, past description, and I shall ever look upon this expression of the Savior's goodness with wonder and thanksgiving.
History of the Church, 1:43, footnote.