For Wade: My dinner with Mr. D.

[_Runtu]

Last night I had dinner with my friend at a Vietnamese restaurant. We had coconut chicken, chicken with hot peppers and lemon grass, a bottle of Pinot Grigio, and fried bananas with ice cream for dessert. It was really nice.

Anyway, this is the friend I've told you about whose bishop encouraged his wife to divorce him because he didn't have a temple recommend. Yet he's not angry. So without telling him much about our discussions here, I asked him why he had never become angry with the church. He said, "I'm not really sure. I got hit with a whole barrage of things at once, and I suppose I was too busy trying to keep my life from falling apart that I didn't have time to be angry."

I asked him what he meant, and he said that not only had his wife taken their children back to the UK and filed for divorce, but she had told every one of their extended family and friends that she had left him because he was addicted to pornography. His father showed up for a visit from Utah and shoved a letter into his hand describing the consequences of pornography addiction. He said to me, "I've never looked at pornography, never felt a desire to, but my family believed everything she said."

But, he said, it just wasn't in his nature to get angry. I asked him if he felt he had chosen not to be angry, and he said no, he didn't think it was a conscious choice.

I asked him if he felt the church had acted in good faith in its claims to be the true church. He laughed and said, "Are you kidding?" He used the words "deceptive," "fraud," and "lies" in rather short order. But still no anger.

I asked him in he felt that leaving the church was a grieving process. Again he looked a bit incredulous. "That's exactly what it is," he said. "You lose the entire framework of your life, and that's an incredible loss." He mentioned that his therapist had said the same thing mine had, that he needed to work through the grieving process as with any other major loss.

So, I'm thinking that maybe my friend isn't a Mr. D. after all. No, he's not angry, but he's not exactly the person who walks away from Mormonism feeling like the church did him no wrong.

[_Yoda]

Last night I had dinner with my friend at a Vietnamese restaurant. We had coconut chicken, chicken with hot peppers and lemon grass, a bottle of Pinot Grigio, and fried bananas with ice cream for dessert. It was really nice.

That dinner sounds awesome! You're making me hungry! :)

It sounds like your friend by-passed the anger stage and just went straight to the "hurt" stage.

How is he doing? Has he been able to move on since the divorce? What were the ramifications of the false claims of the pornography addiction as far as visitation with his kids are concerned?

It sounds like he definitely has a lot to deal with, and has managed to function better than most.

I think if I was in his situation, I would be angry...but not at the Church...at the wife. I'm sorry....the idiotic bishop in the Ward may have counseled her to divorce her hubby for not having a temple recommend...which is, of course, stupid and way out of line. BUT...I doubt that he counseled her to spread malicious lies about her husband being addicted to pornography when he wasn't. That's just evil, and will have a lasting impact on the kids.

[_Runtu]

That dinner sounds awesome! You're making me hungry! :)

It sounds like your friend by-passed the anger stage and just went straight to the "hurt" stage.

How is he doing? Has he been able to move on since the divorce? What were the ramifications of the false claims of the pornography addiction as far as visitation with his kids are concerned?

It sounds like he definitely has a lot to deal with, and has managed to function better than most.

I think if I was in his situation, I would be angry...but not at the Church...at the wife. I'm sorry....the idiotic bishop in the Ward may have counseled her to divorce her hubby for not having a temple recommend...which is, of course, stupid and way out of line. BUT...I doubt that he counseled her to spread malicious lies about her husband being addicted to pornography when he wasn't. That's just evil, and will have a lasting impact on the kids.

It was a really nice dinner. He seems to be doing just fine. Unfortunately, his wife has been dragging out the divorce process for 18 months, which is just ridiculous (his therapist says that people with commitment issues not only have trouble starting things, but they can't end things, either). He sees his boys for 2-3 weeks at a time a couple of times a year when he can afford to go to the UK.

And yes, his wife is just slightly mental. But I'm still astounded that the bishop not only agreed with her demanding a temple recommend in exchange for staying married, but encouraged her to follow through. Unbelievable.

From what he has said, the intervening months have given him a chance to explain to his family his perspective, and his wife has otherwise shown herself to be rather unstable, so he said that only a few relatives believe that he's some sort of of evil porn addict.

[_Yoda]

Why the UK? Is that where his wife's family is?

[_Runtu]

Why the UK? Is that where his wife's family is?

He's a British expat working here in Houston. So, she went home to live near her parents when she filed.

[_MormonMendacity]

Do you think that he might have been reflecting you a little? You just seem so even about your experience, Runtu, that it might be hard for someone to be very animated when you're so calm about it all.

(I'm thinking you sound calm and even about it all...I could be wrong.)

Thanks.

[_Runtu]

Do you think that he might have been reflecting you a little? You just seem so even about your experience, Runtu, that it might be hard for someone to be very animated when you're so calm about it all.

(I'm thinking you sound calm and even about it all...I could be wrong.)

Thanks.

I think I've been calm, for the most part. I had some real anger for a while, but even that wasn't particularly extreme. Wade seems to disagree, though. But my friend is just about the most pleasant and inoffensive person I've ever met.

You know what's funny? He still hangs out with his LDS friends, and they ask him if he's going to have a lot of sex now that he's out of the church. And of course they all want details.

[_moksha]

Not to be insensitive, but it sounds like the Bishop may have given the wife the right advice for the wrong reason. Any wife that would be that suggestable and vindictive, probably would be hell to live around anyway.

I love the Vietnamese Bun dishes.

[_Runtu]

Not to be insensitive, but it sounds like the Bishop may have given the wife the right advice for the wrong reason. Any wife that would be that suggestable and vindictive, probably would be hell to live around anyway.

I love the Vietnamese Bun dishes.

He said his bishop has since repeated to him that he believes that religious differences are a reasonable grounds for divorce.

[_moksha]

He said his bishop has since repeated to him that he believes that religious differences are a reasonable grounds for divorce.

So what does that Bishop know? He is practicing religious quackery instead of being a religious leader, as per his job title.