It's that time of year again

[_Boyd_K_Packer]

Good morning, apostates.

Yes, it is General Conference time again, promising more divine wisdom from the Lord's holy anointed. Me and my fellow Apostles hope to use this conference for yet another rule for the Saints to obey. After all, we must raise the bar exceedingly. It has been several years since the last time we banned something - the sacred ban on tattoos and earrings. The tattoo and earring ban has had a profound impact on the lives of Latter-Day Saints. Since the Lord handed down this revelation, teen pregnancies within the church have declined 92%, infidelity is down 86%, and porn surfing is down 143%, while membership continues to grow.

It is once again time to issue a new ban. The brethren are divided on what item to ban. Much prayer and fasting has gone into this most pressing issue. We have narrowed the filed of nominated banned items to these four things: 1) Flip flops, 2) Nocturnal emissions, 3) HBO, and 4) Ribbed condoms.

Each of the four issues should be avoided, and all are detrimental to the salvation of mankind. It is our goal to eventually ban all four, but the Brethren feel it is too much for the Saints to handle at once. We shall select one item this conference, and the other three will be revealed to the body of the church during future General Conferences. I personally am praying for the other 14 brethren to vote for the ban on nocturnal emissions. This is an issue that has been on the back-burner too long. If we can control our thoughts, we can control our emissions.

I look forward to speaking to you this weekend.

Sincerely,

Boyd K Packer

[_Zoidberg]

I say HBO; it keeps painting the fundamentalists in rosy colors and enticing members to live "the Principle" despite GBH clearly stating that it's not doctrinal.

[_Ten Bear]

Good morning, apostates.

....

We have narrowed the filed of nominated banned items to these four things: 1) Flip flops, 2) Nocturnal emissions, 3) HBO, and 4) Ribbed condoms.

......

Sincerely,

Boyd K Packer

I feel so blessed to have this revelation before hand. Last night, my wife and I decided to watch SHO-time instead of that other,"HBO." And, for the night, we chose "colored" instead of ribbed. I do not own a pair of flip flops and feel fortunate that I have never been tempted with that vile shoe.

I can't tell you how much our lifes have been blessed by following these simple (but true) doctrines that have been put forth to us who "don't have a clue". And I can feel the spirit more fully because of our choice to use colored instead. Although, my wife say's her feelings are somewhat different, I know she'll be blessed too.

Today, I think I will try to follow the spirit and share this wonderful knowledge with my co-workers.

Ten Bear

P.S. Which section of the paper is the Employment section?

[_Always Thinking]

Well, I've gotcha beat, Ten Bear.

1. While I don't have any flip flops right now, I have worn them through out the years. Now that I know the Lord doesn't approve, I'll be sure not to buy more.

As for the other three, I'm good!

2. Nocturnal emissions: I may be female, but I'm still just as capable as any man of O'ing in my sleep (sans emissions) when I ain't getting any in real life. Luckily dh and I are gettin' plenty, so neither of us are having a 'problem' there.

3. We don't have cable or HBO! (ahead of the game on that one!)

4. As for ribbed condoms, thank the Lord for surgery! We don't need condoms at all anymore!

How am I doing?

[_karl61]

I thought finding history on the internet was the topic at the table.

[_barrelomonkeys]

I like glow in the dark condoms. So, I'm good!

[_karl61]

I like glow in the dark condoms. So, I'm good!

they got some real good ones now that are so good at glowing they light up the woman's belly button.

[_barrelomonkeys]

Mkay.

[_Ten Bear]

...........

4. As for ribbed condoms, thank the Lord for surgery! We don't need condoms at all anymore!

How am I doing?

Bareback, eh?

Better discuss this with your bishop. He may want to probe into that. Sounds like you haven't been praying and reading scriptures enough, to me, or you'd know the Bretherens position on that one.

[_Always Thinking]

...........

4. As for ribbed condoms, thank the Lord for surgery! We don't need condoms at all anymore!

How am I doing?

Bareback, eh?

Better discuss this with your bishop. He may want to probe into that. Sounds like you haven't been praying and reading scriptures enough, to me, or you'd know the Bretherens position on that one.

Probe!!??? I'm not lettin' my bishop do any probing anywhere on me!

ew!

Damn, I thought I was doing good!