The Ensign Chase Invitational

[_Darth J]

Over the years, I have enjoyed the combination of amusement and bemusement* I have felt at some of the strange things that get printed in the Ensign. There have been times when the Ensign has taken a shot at actual religious discussion, trying to bring some kind of substantive message to church members, but for the most part the Ensign has never really done anything for me. It's not that I'm expecting every issue to be a St. Augustine style theological journey, but I wish church magazines could try to be a little more than Veggie Tales and Chicken Soup for the Soul. I'm sorry, but how the gospel is like making pickles (I'm looking at you, David Bednar) or Polynesian octopus traps (thanks, President Monson) just isn't very fulfilling [note: to be fair, these two examples are from general conference, not the Ensign per se].

And in the effort to dumb down religion while playing up "faith-promoting," sometimes some weird stuff gets in church magazines. For example, "The Pinewood Paddle Massacre" in the April 1991 Ensign. http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideN ... 82620aRCRD

I first saw this story in 1995 on my mission, in an apartment in Italy that was full of back issues of the Ensign, and Conference Report issues going back to the late 70's. "The Pinewood Paddle Massacre" is about how two teenage girls waiting to get paddled in school learn a lesson about integrity. This lesson was somewhat lost on me, since I couldn't get past the "WTH, this is the Ensign?" reaction I had to finding softcore S&M in a church magazine.

Trying to be faith-promoting without really thinking about what you're saying is not limited to anecdotes in the Ensign, of course. My favorite example of this phenomenon is "scripture chase" in Seminary. This is when teenagers learn how to flip the pages of their scriptures to memorized verses as fast as possible, based on the premise that this exercise demonstrates "scripture mastery." Allegedly, scripture chase will increase one's understanding and appreciation of the scriptures. As opposed to, for example, exploring and thinking about context, and meaning, and what--if any--relevance this has to your life.

To celebrate the bizarre things that sometimes make their way into church magazines, and in the spirit of scripture chase (finding verses from the scriptures isolated from context), anyone who would like is welcome to participate in the Ensign Chase Invitational---combining the WTH? sensation you sometimes get from the Ensign with the inanity of scripture chase. Here's how it works:

1. Find one sentence from an Ensign or Liahona article.
2. Take the sentence, standing alone, and provide no context or explanation.
3. Post the sentence here, along with the date and a hyperlink to the Ensign/Liahona article.
4. The winner will be the one who, by popular consensus, arrives that the best out-of-context sentence.


*"Bemusement" does not mean you think something is funny.

[_Darth J]

Here's my entry.

Liahona, June 1987:

"And don’t you dare stick your finger in there again, unless you want me to spank you!"

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideN ... 82620aRCRD

[_Some Schmo]

Trying to be faith-promoting without really thinking about what you're saying is not limited to anecdotes in the Ensign, of course. My favorite example of this phenomenon is "scripture chase" in Seminary. This is when teenagers learn how to flip the pages of their scriptures to memorized verses as fast as possible, based on the premise that this exercise demonstrates "scripture mastery." Allegedly, scripture chase will increase one's understanding and appreciation of the scriptures. As opposed to, for example, exploring and thinking about context, and meaning, and what--if any--relevance this has to your life.

Word.

---

I'd love to play the game, but that would involve cracking open the magazine, and I have a perfect record of never having looked at that trashy, filthy rag in my life. It always makes me laugh when people tell me they "just look it for the articles." Yeah right; whatever.

[_Danna]

As one young deacon got closer and closer to her row, her heart began to pound harder and harder.

Ensign, May 1989.

[_Danna]

...the hot lava came gushing out onto his hand, making him slurp and lick as quickly as he could to keep from getting sticky all over.

Friend, Dec 2001.

[_Trevor]

...the hot lava came gushing out onto his hand, making him slurp and lick as quickly as he could to keep from getting sticky all over.

Friend, Dec 2001.

ROFLMAO!!!

[_Doctor Scratch]

I think that a potential winner was lurking in the very article you linked to, Darth J:

She commanded us to bend way over the desk. We did. I wondered if Sara’s legs were shaking as badly as mine. Bobby McKinney always said it hurt worse if you tensed up.

Oy vey!

[_Tchild]

...the hot lava came gushing out onto his hand, making him slurp and lick as quickly as he could to keep from getting sticky all over.

Friend, Dec 2001.

LOL. I don't know what sentence could outdo this "Penthouse" style sexual description. It is so graphic, I had to make sure my kids were out of the house and far away from my computer screen when I replied.

Great imaginative thread Darth J.

[_Darth J]

I think that a potential winner was lurking in the very article you linked to, Darth J:

She commanded us to bend way over the desk. We did. I wondered if Sara’s legs were shaking as badly as mine. Bobby McKinney always said it hurt worse if you tensed up.

Oy vey!

Scratch, it's too bad that sometimes the medium is the message. To appreciate this little passage fully, you need to know that in the print edition, there was an illustration depicting this.