Telling my old mission comp...

[_zeezrom]

My old mission comp just called me to say he is moving into a house down the street from us. This house happens to be in our ward boundaries. I was his companion for 13 months and was his best man at his wedding. We have remained good friends since returning home.

I didn't have the heart to break the news of my apostasy to him while we were talking on the phone but know I have to. I plan to call him tonight.

[_why me]

My old mission comp just called me to say he is moving into a house down the street from us. This house happens to be in our ward boundaries. I was his companion for 13 months and was his best man at his wedding. We have remained good friends since returning home.

I didn't have the heart to break the news of my apostasy to him while we were talking on the phone but know I have to. I plan to call him tonight.

Dear zee.

Are you are a moderator on the postmo site? It seems so or someone has your screen name there. Please let me know if you are the moderator over there.

[_lostindc]

My old mission comp just called me to say he is moving into a house down the street from us. This house happens to be in our ward boundaries. I was his companion for 13 months and was his best man at his wedding. We have remained good friends since returning home.

I didn't have the heart to break the news of my apostasy to him while we were talking on the phone but know I have to. I plan to call him tonight.

You are a good person and that has not changed. Let him know that you still have tons of similarities, for instance perhaps a sports team, the importance of family, watching movies (scratch that he may not watch the same movies), or whatever. He will likely be very confused and may even be upset. Bring over cookies when he moves in, some kind of familiar Mormon thing to make him a little more comfortable during the transition.

[_Blixa]

My old mission comp just called me to say he is moving into a house down the street from us. This house happens to be in our ward boundaries. I was his companion for 13 months and was his best man at his wedding. We have remained good friends since returning home.

I didn't have the heart to break the news of my apostasy to him while we were talking on the phone but know I have to. I plan to call him tonight.

Dear zee.

Are you are a moderator on the postmo site? It seems so or someone has your screen name there. Please let me know if you are the moderator over there.

Yeah, that's right, someone who signs himself Brad(ZeeZrom) and who writes on none of the same issues as zeez, or in anything like his writing style, is definitely zeezrom.

whyme, why do you go around picking specious battles?

[_sock puppet]

My old mission comp just called me to say he is moving into a house down the street from us. This house happens to be in our ward boundaries. I was his companion for 13 months and was his best man at his wedding. We have remained good friends since returning home.

I didn't have the heart to break the news of my apostasy to him while we were talking on the phone but know I have to. I plan to call him tonight.

You are a good person and that has not changed. Let him know that you still have tons of similarities, for instance perhaps a sports team, the importance of family, watching movies (scratch that he may not watch the same movies), or whatever. He will likely be very confused and may even be upset. Bring over cookies when he moves in, some kind of familiar Mormon thing to make him a little more comfortable during the transition.

Zeez, does it bother you that he yet believes? Maybe a bit, because you have further light and knowledge now. You genuinely care about him. You no doubt do not want to cause disruption in his life, but there's a part of you that would like to share with him what you've learned. When, if ever, the right time to broach that topic and impart that greater light and knowledge you now have is in my experience actually the trickier part, and the part that will have the greater impact.

Unknowingly, he's confident in your continuing faith in LDS tenets. So it will come as a surprise when you tell him. But he has known you for years, 13 months spent living together 24/7. He no doubt has seen how you approach new information and troubling issues, even if it was in the stilted environs of serving a mission.

I would suggest that you begin by letting him know that you no longer attend church or the temple. He may just assume inactivity due to boredom, distractions, etc. Gage his reaction carefully. If he first asks why rather than for how long, then I think he has assumed you've stopped believing just on the basis of you telling him you are not attending. That should be a key that he suspects that you would only stop attending if you stopped believing.

If to that initial question, your companion asks how long, explain the length of time. Do not broach the subject of lack of belief until he asks or implies it in something he says. Make sure he understands that your wife too has stopped going, and that it is a little sticky with both your families. That will show him that he yet holds a special, friendship spot with you that you feel comfortable even mentioning how your families have reacted.

Once he has mentioned disbelief and has asked why, I'd volunteer that beginning about 18 months ago you began studying the historical record and that you and your wife are troubled by what you've learned. Keep it all about you, not implying that any reasonable, open-minded person would view these same historical facts and draw the apostasy conclusions themselves. If he asks what they are, tell him that there are quite a few, you'd rather not cloud his faith by discussing them (maybe even mention that BKP said 'leave it alone' in April, but that was too late for you and your wife). If he persists, explain that you'd prefer to talk about those troubling historical facts with him after he's moved in down the street from you. Make sure that you help them unload and move their furnishings into the house, even if the elders' quorum is there too. That will show him that you are the same person, with the same charitable attitude, regardless of your having stopped Church attendance.

Even if you would like to share your greater light and knowledge on the subject with him, I would always keep your eye on the fact that you want to continue and keep his friendship going as your primary consideration.

Good luck, Zeez!

Your friend,

Sox.

[_honorentheos]

Zeezrom,

May I ask a question? Why do you feel the need to call him tonight to discuss this?

ETA: I should add that I understand why you want to be upfront with him, which is great. I'm more interested in why you feel like you need to call him about this particular topic right away? Is it something that could be set up now but take place after some thought and in a better setting than over the phone? Like in an offer to help him move in along with an offer to go get something to eat face-to-face before then?

Just wondering.

[_zeezrom]

I just talked to my old companion on the phone. I was going to wait until we met in person but I couldn't avoid it since he started asking about my calling etc. I told him I no longer attend church. He was really disappointed and shocked (no surprise there). He asked if I believe and I said no, none of it. He asked what happened and I resisted in explaining what happened. I didn't want to tell him why. But after a while I realized he had a sincere desire to know. He wasn't just trying to figure out what to tell me. I know him well enough and we are good enough friends that I figured he had a right to know. I told him how it all started: that a guy in EQ mentioned how Joseph Smith had many wives, some of whom were already married to other men, some were very young, and how some he married behind Emma's back. I told him how this was a big shock to me, especially coming during a time when I just happened to be changing my views of women and how I looked at my wife. I told him I first went to wivesofjosephsmith.org then to a BYU professor to confirm if those things were really true.

I said these things were a big shock to me. Did you know about them? He said he had not heard of this before either. I told him I feel bad to be the guy that breaks the news to him because it was scary for me to learn about it the first time.

He asked, "So you left over the polygamy thing?"

I said no there are many other problems. There are problems in every place you turn. He asked like what and I mentioned how I learned that the Book of Abraham is not a correct translation but the idea is more of how the scroll was a source of inspiration to write an independent work wholly unrelated to the scroll. I then told him we could go on but I would rather we just focus on enjoying each other's families like we always have and mentioned how we should do dinner sometime soon.

He was very understanding but very sad/hurt/disappointed. He asked if he and I could sit down and discuss this. I asked what do you want to discuss? He said, "Everything". I told him this stuff is not fun to learn about, especially if you are happily involved in Mormonism. I told him as long as your my wife knows what you are going to talk to me about that is fine.

Anyway, that is it. I'm drained. That was a difficult conversation. Thanks sox for your ideas. I ended up just being myself with him and saying what I felt was natural. I imagine, I have/will make some mistakes with this but hope at least to focus on what we share together still.

[_sock puppet]

I just talked to my old companion on the phone. I was going to wait until we met in person but I couldn't avoid it since he started asking about my calling etc. I told him I no longer attend church. He was really disappointed and shocked (no surprise there). He asked if I believe and I said no, none of it. He asked what happened and I resisted in explaining what happened. I didn't want to tell him why. But after a while I realized he had a sincere desire to know. He wasn't just trying to figure out what to tell me. I know him well enough and we are good enough friends that I figured he had a right to know. I told him how it all started: that a guy in EQ mentioned how Joseph Smith had many wives, some of whom were already married to other men, some were very young, and how some he married behind Emma's back. I told him how this was a big shock to me, especially coming during a time when I just happened to be changing my views of women and how I looked at my wife. I told him I first went to wivesofjosephsmith.org then to a BYU professor to confirm if those things were really true.

I said these things were a big shock to me. Did you know about them? He said he had not heard of this before either. I told him I feel bad to be the guy that breaks the news to him because it was scary for me to learn about it the first time.

He asked, "So you left over the polygamy thing?"

I said no there are many other problems. There are problems in every place you turn. He asked like what and I mentioned how I learned that the Book of Abraham is not a correct translation but the idea is more of how the scroll was a source of inspiration to write an independent work wholly unrelated to the scroll. I then told him we could go on but I would rather we just focus on enjoying each other's families like we always have and mentioned how we should do dinner sometime soon.

He was very understanding but very sad/hurt/disappointed. He asked if he and I could sit down and discuss this. I asked what do you want to discuss? He said, "Everything". I told him this stuff is not fun to learn about, especially if you are happily involved in Mormonism. I told him as long as your my wife knows what you are going to talk to me about that is fine.

Anyway, that is it. I'm drained. That was a difficult conversation. Thanks sox for your ideas. I ended up just being myself with him and saying what I felt was natural. I imagine, I have/will make some mistakes with this but hope at least to focus on what we share together still.

Sounds to me like you handled it just right, Zeez. Good on you!

[_Buffalo]

Sounds like it could have gone a lot worse, Zeez. At least he still wants to talk to you. Best wishes and good luck.

[_Ceeboo]

Hey Zeeeeeez,

I don't know exactly what it is about you that has touched me so much over the last couple of years, but I just wanted to say, simply and briefly, you strike me as a very sincere, loving, and gentle man.

for what it's worth, coming from a guy in cyber-land, I think anyone who has the pleasure of knowing you in real life (Your friend in the OP included) are most fortunate indeed.

Peace and don't ever change, Zeee (What you are/represent speaks volumes to what this world/life is really all about) My opinion :)

Ceeboo