New Years Revolution

[_Jersey Girl]

Hello All,

Yes I know this won't stay in the Terrestrial, but I am hoping it will catch the attention of others who are like minded. You know who you are. ;-) This would have been a blog entry, but alas, my blog has not been reinstated as of yet.

As I've had a chance to interact with people here, I've learned how many of us have dealt with struggles, obstacles and great difficulties in our lives. Certainly 2011 was a year like no other for the Jersey crew. Things happened that we could have never seen coming much less ever have imagined. I was never so glad to see a year go away and into "the books" as I was 2011.

I know that some of you feel the same way.

Speaking only for myself, I have regained a sense of hope. Each day I have a chance to witness the recovery of a loved one and for that I feel a deep sense of gratitude that escapes my ability to fully express it.

There are so many people here who struggle with one thing or another. Some are health related issues, spiritual issues, a sense of isolation, grief, discontent, fear and all sorts of things. God knows, I can tick off all of those boxes in terms of this one year alone.

Today finds us moving forward and I see a chance to take this new year and make it a new birth..of me. So instead of making New Years resolutions, I decided to intentionally make it a revolution in my life. I dunno, sometimes when you have spent so much time caught in what life throws at you, you can feel a sense of renewal and inspiration as you begin to emerge from it.

It started with taking care of myself. Doing nice things for myself. Letting myself be good to me :-) and not short changing myself of the things I want to do and need to do.

Here's a sample and keep in mind this is coming from a girl. I am sure that the guys would have other ideas about what constitutes being good to themselves.

Treating myself to regular haircuts, pedicures, manicures, taking time to organize my clothing and go the extra mile to coordinate jewelry. Ladies, seriously, we are all so busy, when was the last time you felt really put together?

Sitting down and watching a movie. This is huge for me. I am almost never stationary and almost never just sit there, relax and just watch a movie.

Changing up my routines, not going home after work and vegetating in front of the computer as a form of down time. (Sorry Shades, but too much MDB isn't good for the body, mind and spirit). This is why when I do go into chat, you see me say I've got a certain amount of minutes left and then I leave. Seeking a better balance, you know?

Instead, I have been working out regularly. Again, this is huge for me. Something I've gone at half-heartedly in the past but now am entirely committed to. Doing combinations of things: treadmill, yoga, hand weights, floor exercise and dance.

Trying new and healthier foods. How many of us make the same meals day after day after day? How many of those meals are healthy? How many of those meals do you even look forward to eating? SSDD, right?

Placing a stronger emphasis on creativity. I won't list all the ways that I engage in creativity, it will bore you more than this OP!

Prayer, meditation and quiet. I've almost always done this. I take time every single day to seek solitude at least three time each day, because it centers me.

If you are someone who has seen your life become lopsided, what are some ways you've started a revolution in your life?

If you are someone who is in the midst of struggle or overcoming obstacles, I hope you will think about starting your own revolution. Don't let yourself stay stuck any longer than you really need to. You can make your life new again and regain your sense of hope, purpose and authenticity. In the mean time, try to take care of yourself as best you can. Remind yourself that you are worth taking care of.

If you want to share your story with me via PM's feel free!

Oh. My. God. I am going to actually post this! Personally, I blame the cabin fever for this!

Jersey
:-)

p.s. Paul, write that darn exit letter!

[_Hoops]

Jersey Girl is a gem.

[_Ceeboo]

Jersey Girl is a gem.

Yes, she surely is! :)


Peace,
Ceeboo

[_malkie]

On another thread,

What on EARTH am I doing on these boards?

I know that the question was rhetorical, but I think we all know the answer: we need her here.

It's good to hear that you're being good to yourself as well as others, Jersey Girl.

[_Jersey Girl]

I did not pay any of these guys to say those nice things!

P.S. Where do I send the check?

[_MCB]

Jersey Girl, your pay is intangible; it can only be found in our words of appreciation!!!

[_Jersey Girl]

On Grieving

If you or someone you love is grieving, maybe I can help with some ideas. Some truth's for the journey.

Grief is a messy process and no one wants to go through it.

Somewhere under the layers of pain and suffering is a deep love that expresses it's sense of loss in stages. Contrary to what some think (and this is huge to know) the stages do not come one by one in neat little packages. It's not a matter of ticking off boxes such as denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance, etc. A person who is grieving will likely go through stages out of order (according to the order outlined by, say, Kubler-Ross) and loop around, repeat stages and move on to another as they process their loss.

Grief is a process, not some where you stay, but places that you move through.

You can definitely get stuck in one stage or another for long periods as you try to mentally and practically reconstruct your life in it's new state of living and coping without the person you love and have lost.

When a death occurs, people will surround you.

They will attend the funeral, cry with you, honor you, comfort you, call you, send you meals and then some of them will completely disappear never to return. Others will stay and will never leave you. These are your support people. They are in it for the duration and beyond.

Let them help and let them love you.

They will do their best for you and they will not stop. They will cook for you, clean your house, run errands, walk your dog, take you to the doctor, pick up groceries, sit on the couch with you while you talk or cry or while you say nothing at all. When you cry they will comfort you as best they can. When you feel angry, they will take it on the chin and never flinch. Whether you feel angry at the person who died or miss them from deep within your soul, your support people will listen and not judge you. They will meet you wherever you are at and walk beside you. If you need them to come in the middle of the night, they will jump in the car and come over, no questions asked. Don't be afraid to ask them to come.

Don't let anyone tell you what time it is.

Many people think that the grief process is akin to a schedule of events. Not so. After six months or so, you will find people telling you things like "I think it's time for you to move on" or "I think it's time to let go". BS. The clock is in your hands and it's simply not their call to make. Tell your support people what others are saying to you. Let them advocate for you until you manage the strength to do it for yourself.

Wallow in it.

There are so many people who are afraid of their own feelings when grieving. They self medicate with drugs, alcohol, keeping themselves so busy that they cannot take time to feel. Let yourself feel and let yourself feel it all. Remind yourself that wallowing in it is okay to do and that the folks who self medicate and run away or hide from their feelings are the ones who will be forever stuck in grief because they haven't allowed themselves to wallow in it and cry it up from their gut. If all you can manage some days is to get from the bed to the bathroom and back or get from the bed to the couch, or to just simply roll over in bed, just go with it and give yourself permission to "check out" for a day or string of days. Whatever it takes! Try not to hide, try to be brave and let yourself feel everything. Via your love, you've earned the right to grieve. Let yourself do it.

Grief can make you feel unhinged.

You might forget things, feel confused, lose track of days, not remember conversations that you've had. All of that is natural. Your mind can only process so much at one time, folks. Ask your support people or person to help you keep track of dates such as appointments and deadlines for filing taxes, handling estate matters, doctor visits, and such. If you take medications on a regular basis, let your support people or person help you with that. They can keep track of your meds, set them up for you or dose you if that's what you require. You're not going crazy, you're grieving. Honor yourself by letting people know when you need help.

Sorting out the players.

As I stated earlier, when a death occurs, people will come out of the woodwork at first. You will learn who your true friends are, your support people or person, and you will no doubt learn who the jerks are. There are people in your circle who are going to deeply disappoint you. You are under no obligation to entertain the conduct or messages of jerks. Cut them out, don't answer their messages or calls. Remind yourself that you have enough going on without putting up with other people's BS. If you have a good support person, let them tell the jerks to go to hell for you. Can't imagine who would do that, right? ;-)

You cannot "get them through it".


If you are the support person, do not kid yourself into thinking that you will "get them through this". Trust the grieving person to get themselves through this. It is their journey, their timing and do not attempt to rob them of the power to move through it on their own. They're going to do it. Not as fast as you'd like, because none of us wants to see another person suffering. But they're going to do it. The grief is in their head and in their heart, not yours. What you can see and witness from the outside is only a tiny fragment of what is going on from within.

Your job is to be there.

Cry with them, laugh with them (yes, they might laugh), listen to anything they have to say without judging, acknowledge their expressions, validate their feelings. Remember that they have every right to feel lost, abandoned, empty, angry, pain filled , relieved, regret, hopeless, hopeful, all of these types of conflicting emotions are going to come at them in alternating waves. Your job is to try to determine where they are at and empathize, validate, and affirm. They are on the emotional roller coaster of their life. Picture yourself sitting in the seat right next to them and just hang on to them like you are a human guard rail. The ride is moving, the bar is up. You are the bar. :-)


More on this later...

[_just me]

I'm a couple weeks into my revolution, darling.

[_Ceeboo]

On Grieving

If you or someone you love is grieving, maybe I can help with some ideas. Some truth's for the journey.

Grief is a messy process and no one wants to go through it.

Somewhere under the layers of pain and suffering is a deep love that expresses it's sense of loss in stages. Contrary to what some think (and this is huge to know) the stages do not come one by one in neat little packages. It's not a matter of ticking off boxes such as denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance, etc. A person who is grieving will likely go through stages out of order (according to the order outlined by, say, Kubler-Ross) and loop around, repeat stages and move on to another as they process their loss.

Grief is a process, not some where you stay, but places that you move through.

You can definitely get stuck in one stage or another for long periods as you try to mentally and practically reconstruct your life in it's new state of living and coping without the person you love and have lost.

When a death occurs, people will surround you.

They will attend the funeral, cry with you, honor you, comfort you, call you, send you meals and then some of them will completely disappear never to return. Others will stay and will never leave you. These are your support people. They are in it for the duration and beyond.

Let them help and let them love you.

They will do their best for you and they will not stop. They will cook for you, clean your house, run errands, walk your dog, take you to the doctor, pick up groceries, sit on the couch with you while you talk or cry or while you say nothing at all. When you cry they will comfort you as best they can. When you feel angry, they will take it on the chin and never flinch. Whether you feel angry at the person who died or miss them from deep within your soul, your support people will listen and not judge you. They will meet you wherever you are at and walk beside you. If you need them to come in the middle of the night, they will jump in the car and come over, no questions asked. Don't be afraid to ask them to come.

Don't let anyone tell you what time it is.

Many people think that the grief process is akin to a schedule of events. Not so. After six months or so, you will find people telling you things like "I think it's time for you to move on" or "I think it's time to let go". b***s***. The clock is in your hands and it's simply not their call to make. Tell your support people what others are saying to you. Let them advocate for you until you manage the strength to do it for yourself.

Wallow in it.

There are so many people who are afraid of their own feelings when grieving. They self medicate with drugs, alcohol, keeping themselves so busy that they cannot take time to feel. Let yourself feel and let yourself feel it all. Remind yourself that wallowing in it is okay to do and that the folks who self medicate and run away or hide from their feelings are the ones who will be forever stuck in grief because they haven't allowed themselves to wallow in it and cry it up from their gut. If all you can manage some days is to get from the bed to the bathroom and back or get from the bed to the couch, or to just simply roll over in bed, just go with it and give yourself permission to "check out" for a day or string of days. Whatever it takes! Try not to hide, try to be brave and let yourself feel everything. Via your love, you've earned the right to grieve. Let yourself do it.

Grief can make you feel unhinged.

You might forget things, feel confused, lose track of days, not remember conversations that you've had. All of that is natural. Your mind can only process so much at one time, folks. Ask your support people or person to help you keep track of dates such as appointments and deadlines for filing taxes, handling estate matters, doctor visits, and such. If you take medications on a regular basis, let your support people or person help you with that. They can keep track of your meds, set them up for you or dose you if that's what you require. You're not going crazy, you're grieving. Honor yourself by letting people know when you need help.

Sorting out the players.

As I stated earlier, when a death occurs, people will come out of the woodwork at first. You will learn who your true friends are, your support people or person, and you will no doubt learn who the jerks are. There are people in your circle who are going to deeply disappoint you. You are under no obligation to entertain the conduct or messages of jerks. Cut them out, don't answer their messages or calls. Remind yourself that you have enough going on without putting up with other people's BS. If you have a good support person, let them tell the jerks to go to hell for you. Can't imagine who would do that, right? ;-)

You cannot "get them through it".


If you are the support person, do not kid yourself into thinking that you will "get them through this". Trust the grieving person to get themselves through this. It is their journey, their timing and do not attempt to rob them of the power to move through it on their own. They're going to do it. Not as fast as you'd like, because none of us wants to see another person suffering. But they're going to do it. The grief is in their head and in their heart, not yours. What you can see and witness from the outside is only a tiny fragment of what is going on from within.

Your job is to be there.

Cry with them, laugh with them (yes, they might laugh), listen to anything they have to say without judging, acknowledge their expressions, validate their feelings. Remember that they have every right to feel lost, abandoned, empty, angry, pain filled , relieved, regret, hopeless, hopeful, all of these types of conflicting emotions are going to come at them in alternating waves. Your job is to try to determine where they are at and empathize, validate, and affirm. They are on the emotional roller coaster of their life. Picture yourself sitting in the seat right next to them and just hang on to them like you are a human guard rail. The ride is moving, the bar is up. You are the bar. :-)


More on this later...

Hey Jersey Girl

Really deep and interesting thoughts.

Rather than comment now, I think I would like to digest it for a while.

Thanks for sharing! :)

Peace,
Ceeboo

[_Jersey Girl]

More on grieving...

Things you can do for yourself.

Seriously, there are going to be days when you can't manage to do anything but breath and even find it hard to do that.

Give yourself permission to do nothing.

This is one of those times in your life when you don't have to be anything to anyone, so learn to go with it. You don't have to get up at a certain time, you don't have to take a shower, you don't have to put on your make up and do your hair, or shave if you're a guy. If there are days when you don't feel like it, then don't do it. Some day you will feel like taking better care of yourself, but in the beginning, just hang out if you need to. If you feel inclined to have a drink and konk out for a night, it's okay to do that. Try not to let that become your primary method of coping because it's not coping, it's really checking out. As much as you don't want to go through this, going through it is the key to not getting stuck.

Get out if you can.

If you can go for walks or take a ride in the car, go ahead and do that. If all you can manage is to sit out on your front porch or deck and breath in some fresh air, do that. You are likely to feel removed from the world and life that is going on around you. While you might feel disconnected from the world, don't rob yourself of the chance to connect with nature. Nature isn't going to advise you, lecture you, or criticize you. It's going to shine the sun down on your face, blow your hair around, and maybe give you a bit of peace for a few moments. Take your pets outside with you. They know you are grieving, they know you are down. An insightful Pug knows enough to just sit by your side and let you pet them. ;-) Give them a little sniff of nature as a thank you for their loyalty.

Journaling.

Personally, I like to write. Not that you would have any evidence of that, right? ;-) You can keep a journal to say the things you don't feel you can say out loud. You can tell the person who died how much you love them, how much you miss them and yes, how much you hate their bloody guts for leaving you. Like Ma used to say, "better out than in". So let it out in a journal if you can. Keep your journal in a safe place and hang on to that. You might want to look at it later to help you remember your grief and as a symbol of how you survived that time in your life. Your words give power to your feelings and your right to express them.

Remind yourself that you have rights.

The right to feel everything and to find your own way through this. You have the right to love, to hurt, to cry, and the right to feel angry as hell. You have a right to be alone, to feel alone, to be with people who love you, to do something and to do nothing at all. You have the right to be respected for all that you feel, all that you are going through and all that you do and do not choose to do. So let me stop right here and mention an often unspoken right that you might want to take advantage of. Remember the jerks? You know who they are. The worthless bastards who jerk you around and make you feel like crap? The people who add virtually nothing to your life, who are in it for themselves and who really don't give two hoots in hell about you? The people whose toxic behavior you put up with because you thought you had to? Now is a good time to cut them out of your life forever and all time. Tell them what you think about them and tell them in no uncertain terms to go to hell. Have a good outburst on them and get them out of your life. You're never going to have such a grand opportunity again to do it, so do it and clean them from the slate of your life. No one will think less of you. They'll likely think "Oh he or she is out of their minds because they're grieving", take advantage of that to show them the door and never let them back in. ;-) Remind yourself that they are on their own journey. There is nothing you can do to help them and you need to be helping yourself. You can pray for them if that's what you do, but you are under no obligation to let them contaminate your life any longer. Break free of them.

Wow, guys. If you don't think most of this isn't coming from my in real life, you're not paying attention! :-)

Creative expression.

How in the heck are you supposed to feel creative in the middle of your pain? You're not. Art is a form of self expression. You don't have to be Monet to express yourself through art. You can paint and simply swish the colors around on a canvas or paper. You can choose dark colors to express your dark feelings. You can choose bright colors to express your love. If you're feeling angry, you can take your painting and rip it to shreds as a form of self expression. It's your art, do with it what you will. You can get some clay or cook yourself up some play dough and use it to sculpt with. Think about how it might feel to squeeze the clay or dough, roll it around, cut it with a knife or pinch it. Pinch the hell out of it! Dance. If you are someone like me, you know how you can express yourself through dance. Put on that music and as they say, dance like no one is watching you. As you gain courage, and you will, dance even when someone is watching you. Sing. Sing the old songs that you know from childhood, the gospel songs you know if you know them, sing the blues, sing the praises, sing the sad or upbeat tunes that you like. Sing to yourself, sing to your loved one, sing to God, sing to your dog, sing to no one at all. You have a voice for a reason, use it to let your spirit sing what it needs to.

Probably more later...gotta dig the car out of 2 feet of snow and go.