The Most Intellectual Joke You Know

[_honorentheos]

From Slate, reporting on a reddit thread of the same title as the op.

The Jokes:

From user guitartard: “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”



From user phattmatt: “Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?”



From user shannman: “Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus? Nobody!”



From user doomwaxer: “Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality.”



From user android47: “A programmer's wife tells him: ‘Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.’ The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.”



From user Arcadian 5656: “A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, and the statistician yells, ‘We got ‘im!’ ”



From user suid: “So this classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, ‘Euripedes?’ The professor replies, ‘Yes. Eumenides?’ ”



From user DrColdReality: “Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.”



From user Saboot: “Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, ‘Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?’ Gödel replies, ‘We can't know that because we're inside the joke.’ Chomsky says, ‘Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.’ ”



From user disposableaccountass: “Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting, ‘Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dog!’ ”



From user Watch_Closely: “It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.”

[_Morley]

Mighty Builder: "What's the difference between girders and joists?"

Blixa: "One wrote Faust, the other penned Ulysses."

[_honorentheos]

Mighty Builder: "What's the difference between girders and joists?"

Blixa: "One wrote Faust, the other penned Ulysses."

LOL

[_Blixa]

Mighty Builder: "What's the difference between girders and joists?"

Blixa: "One wrote Faust, the other penned Ulysses."

LOL

Lol Lol.

[_honorentheos]

A mathematical proof, for our free-market friends:

A principle of physics and engineering:...............Power = Work / Time

Since knowledge is power,
and time is money, we have..............................Knowledge = Work / Money

By elementary mathematical
manipulation, we finally get...............................Money = Work / Knowledge

By this we see that as knowledge approaches zero, money goes to infinity, regardless of how much work you do.

Thus explaining the Koch brothers.

[_Molok]

An infinite number of men walk into a bar. The first orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter of a pint. The bartender sighs, pours two pints, and says "Here, sort it out amongst yourselves."

[_subgenius]

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[_Blixa]

An infinite number of men walk into a bar. The first orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter of a pint. The bartender sighs, pours two pints, and says "Here, sort it out amongst yourselves."

Heh.

[_MeDotOrg]

Q: What did the Buddhist say at the hot dog stand?

A: "Make me one with everything."

[_Analytics]

Descartes was in a bar having a beer. When he finished, the bartender asked him if he'd like another. He replied, "I think not" and disappeared.