Mormon Discussions and Covenants

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_Mormon Jesus
_Emeritus
Posts: 57
Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:50 pm

Mormon Discussions and Covenants

Post by _Mormon Jesus »

Section 139

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 11 April 2012. This message constitutes the Lord's preface to his forthcoming words of admonition and counsel to the members of the board.

1-3, The Lord has been lurking on the board; 4-5, the moderators are counseled in their duties; 6-10, the faithful are commanded to shop at City Creek Center; 11-28, exhortations to various board members; 29-31, follow the prophet, whose name is right on the tip of the Lord's tongue; 32-36, the Lord wants more quality posts.

1. Behold, yea, verily, hearken, ye people of this message board, even Mormon Discussions,
2. For mine eyes are upon you, and your works are known to me. Behold, I am the first and the last, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, Twilight and Breaking Dawn,
3. Prepare yourselves thenceforth to receive my word, for lo, I come quickly, and there shall be some who will remain unsatisfied therefrom.
4. I say therefore unto those who are moderators: let your moderating be in moderation, lest I curse you with a sore cursing, even unto the third and fourth generation.
5. For the vexation with which ye shall be vexed shall be vexatious indeed; how exquisite, ye know not, nor how excruciating, nor how often people shall badmouth you in chat, except that ye figure out by which manner ye have caused someone or other to complain.
6. And to the inhabitants of this message board, behold and see that my anger is kindled against you. O, this wicked and stiff-necked generation! A commandment I give unto you, that ye cease thine inanity, and loud laughter, and evil speaking of those whom I have appointed to administer my Corporation upon this earth.
7. Lay up not for yourself treasures on the internet, where moderators ban and glitches destroy, but go ye unto mine mall, where all manner of treasures of the earth may be bought,
8. Of Brooks Brothers, and of Hugo Boss; of Nordstrom, and Macy's, and Porsche Design, and Tiffany's, and Coach; ye, and all manner of others,
9. To gladden the heart, to fill the closet, and to empty the wallet, that there may be meat in mine house;
10. Even as there is meat at the Texas de Brazil Churrascaria restaurant, which shall be open on the Sabbath, even as the stores shall be closed on my holy day.
11. And now I say a word to certain of the members of this board;
12. Behold, my servant Ldsfaqs, I am well pleased with thy works; my hand smiles upon you. Yea, straight is the jacket, and rubber is the room, into which thou shalt enter and find thy reward,
13. Unto my servant Doctor Scratch, I say unto you: be ye wise as a serpent, and use thy time in more productive means, even unto the patronizing mine mall in the land I have consecrated for retail purposes,
14. For where thy credit card is, there shalt thy heart be also.
15. To mine handmaiden Just Me: let thy mouth be shut, and presume not to think for thyself, for thou art female, and hast no need of troubling thyself unto figuring things out for thyself;
16. And to my servant MrStakhanovite, behold, thy secret combinations are known to me, and I have seen your works to drag others into the pit, who also conspire with thee;
17. Seek instead knowledge out of the best books, which may be ordered online at http://www.deseretbook.com;
18. Unto Darth J, I say: just shut up.
19. To Tarski, and to CaliforniaKId, and those who think themselves learned in the philosophies and theories of men: go, and create thine own universe, and then ye may complain to me about how screwed up things are;
20. Unto my servant, Why Me, behold, light cotton is an abomination in my sight, nor is such imagery pleasing unto me, nor to any who contemplate thereof;
21. Act like a grown-up, not a half-hearted teenager.
22. To Jskains, and Droopy, and others who have sought refuge amongst thy bretheren on Mormon Dialogue, but were rebuked;
23. Ye are even as I, who came into mine own, but mine own received me not; therefore, murmur not that any message board is willing to tolerate thee at all;
24. For if thou are too imbalanced even for Mormon Dialogue, then woe, woe, unto thee,
25. A man may as well try to put forth his puny arm and turn the course of the Mississippi, as reason with thee, and yet thou art accepted the same, yet not by thy fellow bretheren and sisteren in the faith,
26. Yea, this is irony, which I shall liken unto rain on thy wedding day, or a free ride when thou hast already paid, or the good advice that thou just did not take.
27. And unto Mfbukowski, behold, it is wisdom in me that thou shalt pop in from time to time, and thereaways promptly pop right back out again; therefore, trifle not with philosophical things; thy thoughts are known unto me, but unto absolutely no one else.
28. And I say again, to all the the rest of you who inhabit this board, repent ye, and make straight the passage of my coming, and surely I will be amazed if you understand what that meant;
29. For there shall be some in these latter days who shall say that even as pain is weakness leaving the body, so apostasy is superstition leaving the intellect;
30. Listen not to their counsel, but hearken instead to him whom I have anointed to be my prophet at this time, even......what's his name......
31. Thomas S. Monson.
32. Ye are a city upon a hill, which cannot be hid, thanks to Google cache;
33. Turn ye therefore unto me. I am the light which shineth in darkness, the voice in the wilderness, the partner in thy tag-team steel cage death match,
34. Near, far, wherever thou art, I believe that the heart doth go on.
35. Once more thou openest the door, and thou art here in my heart, and my heart will go on and on.
36. So post things that are worth reading. Verily, these are mine own words, and shall never be changed nor edited. Even so. Amen.
Last edited by Guest on Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:36 am, edited 13 times in total.
_Corpsegrinder
_Emeritus
Posts: 615
Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2011 11:33 pm

Commentary about ''Mormon Discussions and Covenants''

Post by _Corpsegrinder »

2. For mine eyes are upon you, and your works are known to me. Behold, I am the first and the last, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, Twilight and Breaking Dawn...

Okay, that part alone made me laugh out loud. :lol:
_The Mighty Builder
_Emeritus
Posts: 1593
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 9:48 pm

Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions

Post by _The Mighty Builder »

I predict Mormon Jesus is actually Warren Jeffs. The style is very similar.
_lulu
_Emeritus
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Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2012 12:08 am

Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions

Post by _lulu »

When your bowels are moved Mormon Jesus, get back to me.
"And the human knew the source of life, the woman of him, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, 'I have procreated a man with Yahweh.'" Gen. 4:1, interior quote translated by D. Bokovoy.
_MCB
_Emeritus
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Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 3:14 pm

Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions

Post by _MCB »

12. Behold, my servant Ldsfaqs: I am well pleased with thy works; my hand smiles upon you. Yea, straight is the jacket, and rubber is the room, into which thou shalt enter and find thy reward,

ROFLMAO :lol:

27. And unto Mfbukowski, behold, it is wisdom in me that thou shalt pop in from time to time, and thereaways promptly pop right back out again; therefore, trifle not with philosophical things; thy thoughts are known unto me, but unto absolutely no one else.


:lol: :lol:

When your bowels are moved upon the whole earthMormon Jesus, get back to me.
Huckelberry said:
I see the order and harmony to be the very image of God which smiles upon us each morning as we awake.

http://www.vatican.Virginia/archive/ccc_css/a ... cc_toc.htm
_harmony
_Emeritus
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Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions

Post by _harmony »

:lol:

Funny... especially the Darth comment!
(Nevo, Jan 23) And the Melchizedek Priesthood may not have been restored until the summer of 1830, several months after the organization of the Church.
_just me
_Emeritus
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Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions

Post by _just me »

15. To mine handmaiden Just Me: let thy mouth be shut, and presume not to think for thyself, for thou art female, and hast no need of troubling thyself unto figuring things out for thyself;


Be it unto me according to thy word. However, wouldn't it be more enjoyable with mine mouth open, Lord?
~Those who benefit from the status quo always attribute inequities to the choices of the underdog.~Ann Crittenden
~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~
_MCB
_Emeritus
Posts: 4078
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 3:14 pm

Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions

Post by _MCB »

harmony wrote::lol:

Funny... especially the Darth comment!

The whole thing is very Darthian.
Huckelberry said:
I see the order and harmony to be the very image of God which smiles upon us each morning as we awake.

http://www.vatican.Virginia/archive/ccc_css/a ... cc_toc.htm
_Fence Sitter
_Emeritus
Posts: 8862
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 2010 3:49 pm

Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions

Post by _Fence Sitter »

+100
"Any over-ritualized religion since the dawn of time can make its priests say yes, we know, it is rotten, and hard luck, but just do as we say, keep at the ritual, stick it out, give us your money and you'll end up with the angels in heaven for evermore."
_TrashcanMan79
_Emeritus
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Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2007 10:18 pm

Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions

Post by _TrashcanMan79 »

Mormon Jesus wrote:Verily, these are mine own words, and shall never be changed nor edited. Even so. Amen.

_________________
D&C 124

Last edited by Mormon Jesus on Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:07 pm, edited 10 times in total.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Effin brilliant.
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