Madison54 wrote:This was very touching, miedbetter. She's a lucky lady and it's very apparent that you love her like she deserves to be loved.
Thank you for sharing. I hope things continue to progress and go well for you. I know that I have never felt better about myself or more free than I do now that I've stopped attending.
I've been a real jerk to her over the last few years. She deserves better. I've been a ball of nerves, anger, frustration, and misery and she's had a front row seat to me at my worst. I get ashamed and embarrassed to look back at it all, now.
We're trying to talk through this. It definitely gets better when you take the time to slow down, stop thinking about yourself, and truly try to communicate with each other. It's a work in progress. For the first time in a while, I've actually had dreams about her where we weren't angry and yelling at each other.
Kishkumen wrote:Life is complicated and there is not a one-size-fits-all recipe for happiness. Unfortunately, human groups tend to produce these dogmas and then pressure members to conform. Some groups ridicule stay-at-home moms. Some groups demonize working moms. I tend not to get a long well in organizations that peddle one lifestyle as the answer for everyone.
I think the church must be an awesome place for people who are real outgoing and love working in sales.
"Hey, this works for me! Maybe you should try it too!!"
just me wrote:I really hope everything goes as well and smoothly as possible for her (hopeful) transition out of the church.
Thanks, [just me]. I hope so too. I'm pretty worried about her. She's always had issues with depression. Gonna keep a close eye on her.
One thing that has really helped has been the church, itself. Especially the relief society. We live in a ward with boundaries that are split down the middle with regards to income and school districts. Most of our ward live in the wealthier areas. There are a lot of snobs in our ward. They ignore us and especially my wife when they find out where we live, (the poor side, or the bad school district). We didn't follow the white flight (an Atlanta thing). We're actually very happy with our neighborhood and our neighbors are awesome and we like the school our son goes to. We'll be here for a while, and I don't plan on buying a 400k house just to impress the snobs.
Anyway, there are many women in the church who ignore or who are just plain rude to my wife. She's very quiet and nerdy. She wears really plain cloths--isn't up with the latest fashions. She hardly ever wears makeup and never jewelry--she just doesn't care about that. And her hair is pretty frizzy. She's been that way since we first met as teenagers and I think she is beautiful. Anyway, I've heard some things said about her in the ward, some things have gotten back to us. People can be pretty mean. However, it's been a blessing in disguise. There's definitely a growing snobbery in the church, and I'm grateful for it, because they are helping to push her away. It's a double edged sword though because it hurts her feelings, of course.
The funny thing is, I make pretty damn good money. Have been gainfully employed during a bad recession. My income has been going up this whole time. We're just nerds, who would rather have some money saved for retirement than to try and impress other people and we don't have a problem with our black neighbors. It feels like high school all over again, sometimes.
dude, you are a stud. I went through a similar scenario with my wife - discovering that the LDS church is a fraud is pretty tough to deal with and its very personal. For her, she feels like its best to continue attending most sundays and taking the kids but she certainly doesn't have any expectations of me at this point (I havent been in at least 8 years). Its primarily a family and social thing but it works for her - there is not a correct way to be an "active" Mormon and her current level of participation works for her.
Good luck and great job - its tough to know how to handle finding out that the religion you dedicated your life to is a sham and you seem to be negotiating it well (although I could never have agreed to bite my tongue and white knuckle my way through 3 hours of grating LDS pontificating - sunday has become my favorite day of the week:))
by the way, I actually served my mission in ATL (although I did a pretty unique type of mission there so I didn't really interact with the english speaking members) and I was just there last week for business...its a great town.
"your reasoning that children should be experimented upon to justify a political agenda..is tantamount to the Nazi justification for experimenting on human beings."-SUBgenius on gay parents "I've stated over and over again on this forum and fully accept that I'm a bigot..." - ldsfaqs
Thanks mledbetter for sharing. For many of us in a similar situation it is encouraging to see how others are dealing with it. My wife is not as analytical. For her, the church is not a 'true or false' proposition so much as it is her way of life. She cares very little about its past or even what current leadership is doing. What is going on at our ward and stake is all that really concerns her.
"Any over-ritualized religion since the dawn of time can make its priests say yes, we know, it is rotten, and hard luck, but just do as we say, keep at the ritual, stick it out, give us your money and you'll end up with the angels in heaven for evermore."
LDS truthseeker wrote:Best wishes with the wife. I've had a similar ordeal with mine.
Did it work out well, in the end? I hope so. Thanks for your kindness.
Still a work-in-progress. She doesn't believe that the church or the Book of Mormon is true. However, she goes to church (on her terms). I usually accompany her.
Kishkumen wrote: Man, I identify with this. In the ward we stopped attending, the women were absolutely nasty to my wife. They did not like the fact that she was a professional and worked even after we had kids. They sought every opportunity to make her feel small for choosing a different kind of life. I also got a kick out of the Young Mens president who said my wife wore the pants in our family because the two of us did things as a team--since, well, you know, we love each other and prefer doing things together!
Reminds me of my ward. My wife told me that they gave a Relief Society lesson on how women should not work outside the home and that women need to be home with the kids under virtually every circumstance, etc. Wife told me that one of the women that worked full-time just stood up in the middle and walked out. It was apparent to everyone that she was disagreeing with the lesson, but in a nice way.
LDS truthseeker wrote:Reminds me of my ward. My wife told me that they gave a Relief Society lesson on how women should not work outside the home and that women need to be home with the kids under virtually every circumstance, etc. Wife told me that one of the women that worked full-time just stood up in the middle and walked out. It was apparent to everyone that she was disagreeing with the lesson, but in a nice way.
I wish more of the membership would vote with their feet when lessons run amok like this.
When I was still active I was in high priest group which was the 3rd hour. Because it was our last meeting, the instructor would run over time often with impunity. One Sunday at the correct hour, I rose and started to make my way past other members. The instructor, seeing me leave before he was done, said... "Brother Zadok, do you not agree with today's lesson?" To which i replied, "The lesson was fine, but you have run over again, and I'm done now." I don't think the instructor ever ran over again.
A friendship that requires agreement in all things, is not worthy of the term friendship.
Fence Sitter wrote:My wife is not as analytical. For her, the church is not a 'true or false' proposition so much as it is her way of life. She cares very little about its past or even what current leadership is doing. What is going on at our ward and stake is all that really concerns her.
