It Was a Dark and Stormy Night: The Best (?) from the Bulwer-Lytton Contest
The premise of the Bulwer-Lytton contest is simple: Write the opening sentence to the worst novel ever written. This is a lot easier than writing a great novel, and many people excel hilariously. A few samples:
Once upon a time, a very very very long time ago (ever so long ago), a teeny tiny weeny furry bear (smaller than most) named Norbert Smythe lived with a great many other teeny tiny weeny fury bears in a cozy cave lined with cupboards filled with gooey treats fixed by Norbert's mummy (who loved him just as much as your mummy loves you and always tucked him into his teeny tiny weeny furry bed each night and dressed him each morning in little blue coveralls and a red and white stripped jersey and a cunning little sailor hat) in the middle, the absolute center, of a great big huge enormous forest and lots of bunnies and squirrels and mice and ducks and quite a few lambs and puppies and just a few kittens lived just around the corner so Norbert had ever so many exciting adventures and all-round fun times; this is the story of just one of those all-round fun times and if you like this story, you can ask mummy and daddy to buy you all the rest of the forty-seven books in this series.
—Gail Cain, San Franciso, CA
The countdown had stalled at T minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably—the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career.
—Martha Simpson, Glastonbury, Connecticut
The bone chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
—Patricia E. Presutti, Lewiston, New York
Schott's Original Miscellany Want to know all the nouns of assemblage? This is the book for you. Just a lot of great miscellaneous stuff.
The Lazlo Letters Author Don Denillo is best known for his Guido Sarducci character on Saturday Night Live. He also has nom de plume, Lazlo Toth, which he uses to write ridiculous letters to Corporations and famous people. It reveals our culture on autopilot.
A surprising entry: Booknotes on American Character: People, Politics, and Conflict in American History
These are C-Span interviews. Fascinating looks at people from all over the political spectrum.
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But I want more! any suggestions?
