On Licked Cupcakes *PG-13

[_KimberlyAnn]

I've posted this on RfM and FLAK, so many posters may have already read this essay. But I'm a newbie around here, and don't know who posts or reads where, so there may be a few people here who might enjoy this. Of course, there are undoubtedly posters here who won't like it at all and I understand that. This essay describes exactly how I feel about being raised a female in Mormonism.

This is a revision of a post I directed at a particular poster on RfM last week. It referenced his and another few RfM posters' individual circumstances. I've removed personal references and tried to tame it down a bit to better match the tone of this board. As I mentioned, this essay was addressing men who don't believe any longer, but who stay quiet about it and continue attending church inorder to keep the peace, so portions of this essay may not apply to everyone.

I would like to add that I realize all of us are in different situations, and though being totally upfront about our non-belief to our families is the ideal, very few of us live completely honest lives free from hypocrisy. I understand dealing with believing spouses isn't easy and one solution doesn't necessarily fit all. I wish everyone the best in their journey out of Mormonism.


On Licked Cupcakes

Remember the parable of the licked cupcake? A youth leader would bring to church enough cupcakes so that everyone in class could have just one. Then, they would lick the frosting from one of the cupcakes, put it back on the tray and pass the cupcakes around so everybody could take one. Of course, the last person in class was stuck with the licked cupcake, and of course, they wouldn’t eat it.

The licked cupcakes in the chastity lesson always represented females. In Young Women's, the cupcakes represented us - we didn't want to be a licked cupcake. No one wants a cupcake licked by someone else.

In Young Men's, the cupcakes also represented girls. You boys were taught not to lick cupcakes that weren't yours. No one else wants a licked cupcake, and neither do you.

Never once was I told that boys could be licked cupcakes. Never. What boys did was, I guess, none of our business. All we girls knew was not to let boys lick our cupcakes, or no one would want us. The burden of chastity was ours to bear, and the prospects of forgiveness for failure were grim.

Some active, yet non-believing men say they don't defend sexism in the LDS church. But they don't need to defend it. They support it every week as they walk through the doors of that church bringing their wives and children with them. Your children will no doubt get the same tired cupcake lesson we all got as youth. And try as you might to counter the misogyny pounded into their little heads, the fact that you keep taking them back for more teaches them what your words never will.

Your boys will learn they're superior to women. One day, if they are faithful Mormons, they will go to the Celestial Kingdom, where they can, at their leisure, take on dozens and dozens of wives, whom they will maintain in a constant state of pregnancy, until they have enough spirit progeny to populate their own planetary domain! Is that not sexist? And the girls are taught the same b***s***! From my own experience, I can tell you they believe it, too.

I can't express how heavily that weighed on my heart as a Mormon. The thought of becoming one of possibly dozens of women sealed to my husband was sickening to me, and it was reality to me as well. I truly believed it. It seemed so wrong and unfair; more like punishment than reward. I mean, as a woman, I was to put my own needs and wants last throughout my entire life, and as a reward, I would share my husband with other women and have baby after baby for eternity? Not only did I dread "heaven", I felt guilty for not wanting it! When my heart was so heavy I couldn't take it anymore, I talked to my Bishop, who said I was prideful. A prideful, selfish woman who didn't want other women to reach the Celestial Kingdom.

Most wives probably feel the same way. I never told my husband how I felt; I didn't want him to know how selfish I was. Women are terrified of their husbands leaving the fold because they believe they can't get into heaven without them. They’re women, and not good enough on their own. Without husbands, they’ll end up assigned to other men and become the sister wives to women who despise them. The woman-hating Mormon religion has brainwashed wives to believe that. It will brainwash your daughters and sons to believe the same thing.

And as for the pompous pricks in Salt Lake City, "The Brethren", they don't respect women. They're misogynistic assholes. Men who respect women don't tell them how many earrings they can wear! They don't shame men for marrying women more educated than themselves. They don't seal themselves to other women after their long-suffering wives die, becoming eternal polygamists. They don't tell young girls, contrary to the best interest of their families, to have babies before they're finished with school. I can't stand those lying bastards!

There may be other areas of Mormonism where one can find middle ground. But there's no middle ground on the issue of sexism in Mormonism. Mormonism is doctrinally, historically, and presently sexist, and there's no getting around that fact and there's no changing it. All the disagreeing in Gospel Doctrine, liberal Sacrament meeting talks, Sunstone magazine articles or enlightened Family Home Evening lessons in the world aren’t going to change the fact that Mormon doctrine, at it unchangeable core, is misogynistic. Throw out all the other problems with Mormonism if you'd like, but this issue alone renders keeping your mouth shut, attending church, dragging your kids there, and holding callings while claiming to be a feminist an act of cowardice and hypocrisy.

Men, if you really won't defend sexism in the Mormon church, then stop condoning it with your attendance and membership. Most of you love your wives. You love them enough to let them write a check for ten percent of your income and give it to an organization that teaches them they’re worthless other than as breeders and cooks. Love them more by telling them that's b***s***. Tell them you love them too much to let them waste another minute in a cult that's abusing them. Love your boys enough to save them from becoming assholes like those mother-humpers running the church from downtown Salt Lake City. Love your daughters enough to free them from the patriarchal prison of the Mormon priesthood. Just do it.

I've heard from more than a few fellows that it brings a man great satisfaction to be a hero. Be heroes by getting your wives and kids out of Mormonism. At least give it a valiant effort, guys. Maybe you'll go down in flames, I don't know. But I'd rather go down in flames after a long hard fight for what's good and right than sit by watching in complacency as Mormonism sucks the life and soul out of my loved ones.

Sorry to rant at you, but, as you can see, this is a huge issue to me, and I can empathize with your wives. I don't know them and I want them experience freedom. I know how much more you must want it for them, too.

KA

[_Runtu]

I understand what you mean, KA. I see the stakes as being as high as you do, and I'm determined that my children will not choose Mormonism without knowing more than I did about what it really is. I don't have to be "anti" anything, but they will know the truth about the church.

[_Bond...James Bond]

Crikey! A nevermo once again is amazed at a Mormon anecdote. Why don't they just wrap the young girls at BYU in plastic and put them in the meat aisle marked "Clean and Pure". The men can then come around and select at their leisure.


PS Welcome to the board KA!

[_gramps]

I already enjoyed this at the two other mentioned boards. Great piece! Just now enjoyed it a third time.

Welcome!

[_moksha]

Should they be putting those licked cupcakes back on the shelf?

[_Trinity]

Why is the female always the cupcake to be licked? This object lesson is discriminatory all by itself and underlines your theory of sexism. Why can't the male be a cupcake?

Your post makes me want oral sex. Is that bad?

[_beastie]

I didn't grow up in the church so can't really speak to this firsthand (although I do remember some cupcakie lesson from when I taught YW), but my boyfriend, who did grow up LDS, assures me that the males were also made to feel responsible for keeping themselves pure. The girls may get more cupcake lessons, but the boys probably get more Little Factory lessons, so there is plenty of guilt and future sexual dysfunction to go around.

I have to say that, when a believer, I didn't view the LDS teachings as sexist, and still quibble about a bit of that. Men can't get into the CK without a wife, either, can they? So it seems a bit misleading to use that as an example of sexism. I think a better example is found in the various justifications for denying women the priesthood, and in the attempts to persuade women to be stay-at-home mothers (although I'm not sure if that pressure still exists to the extent it did when I joined in the seventies).

It seems to me that a good part of the sexism found in the LDS church is simply a product of the same sexism that will be found in literally any fundamentalist, patriarchal church.

[_Trinity]

I have to say that, when a believer, I didn't view the LDS teachings as sexist, and still quibble about a bit of that. Men can't get into the CK without a wife, either, can they? So it seems a bit misleading to use that as an example of sexism. I think a better example is found in the various justifications for denying women the priesthood, and in the attempts to persuade women to be stay-at-home mothers (although I'm not sure if that pressure still exists to the extent it did when I joined in the seventies).

The equality of the sexes in the afterlife begin and end with the entrance partner attachment, Beastie. Heavenly Mothers are not to be worshipped, discussed, formalized, or doctrinized except under the general acknowledgement of her existence by her so-called spiritual children. As in earth life, her roles are more nurturing and subservient to the Divine God.

I think much of Joseph Smith's speculation on the role of Heavenly Mother's was a general projection of a mortal mother as we see most members patterning the concept of Heavenly Mother with mortal attributes. President Kimball once stated (paraphrasing) that Heavenly Mother was up in heaven busily trying to create a pleasing environment for her children to return to.

Why is this sexist? What if the Heavenly Mother were better at creating and enforcing rules than God? What if Heavenly Mother was better at physics and chemistry and could make a physical world without the ravaging and detrimental plagues or natural upheavals like earthquakes and volcanoes and floods. Would we ever know? Nope. And that is why it is sexist, in my opinion. In Mormonism, both the female mortal and immortal realm role designation is dependent on her reproductive and nurturing capabilities. And she does not even get acknowledgement for her work there. At least from what I can tell.

It seems to me that a good part of the sexism found in the LDS church is simply a product of the same sexism that will be found in literally any fundamentalist, patriarchal church.

The LDS church is the only one I know that extends the roles into the hereafters.

[_moksha]

Why is the female always the cupcake to be licked? This object lesson is discriminatory all by itself and underlines your theory of sexism. Why can't the male be a cupcake? Your post makes me want oral sex. Is that bad?

Just call me Cuppy for short.

[_wenglund]

My experience in the Church as a male, has given me a diametrically opposite view of women in relation to men than the OP. Rather than viewing women as inferior, I grew up putting them on a pedestal. To me, they seemed near angelic even as humans, and something that was to be treasured and held in respectful awe. In my mind their beauty and grace warmed and brightened whatever rooms ni which they were present, and the tenderness of their hearts dried many a tear and was like a comforting blanket wrapped around those in need. I envied their seemingly innate aptitude for spirituality and faith, and their admirable work ethic, which made them natural leaders without need of calling or priesthood powers.

What made things difficult for me, though, after leaving home and going out into the world, so to speak, was in learning that not all women lived up to the ideal I had been raised with in the Church, and some even fell well short of those expectations. It then became a matter of me adjusting down my perception of women to a more reasonable and less lofty level. In other words, I started to see women as not unlike me and other men in terms of human weaknesses and frailties.

Anyway, I find it fascinating that two people can be raised in the same Church, yet derive entirely opposing's perceptions of woman and men. To me, this suggests less about what the Church has presented, and more about how we each diversely interpret (or misinterpret) what the Church has presented.

So, rather than making a general call to abandon the Church, I think it may be more apt to advise reconsideration of certain personal perceptions.

Thanks, -Wade Englund-