Imaginary Friends, Indeed

[_Sam Harris]

LOL, ya'll are funny.

Gaz, the poor black child with no rhythm is me. :-) I only do ballet.

Now where was I? It'll be a minute before the happy pills kick in (percocet, wish I had something stronger, morphine's nice, but didn't put me to sleep, percocet at least does that...work tomorrow)....

ATL, yes, the ATL. Georgia's nice. I really liked it there. I think all in all Georgia was a very positive experience for me, the only negative was that I got a nanny gig with no contract, and my employer was inexperienced with their first child, about to have their second, and not really willing to pay me. It took a few more nannies before they got the picture, but they still send me pictures of my little sweet-a-sweet and her titan-haired little sister. It's fun to watch them grow up.

Georgia held a lot of firsts for me. First time being completely on my own away from my family, first car, first "apartment" (efficiency off the main house), first real feeling of independency. I think that had I not done that, I would be still in an emotional slump today, because ATL gave me the first taste of actually being able to accomplish something. It was the first time I put my mind on something big and did it. I wanted to be a nanny, I found a job 400+ miles away, I got that job, packed, moved, and lived happily ever after...for six months. Between homesickness (I am somewhat attached to my friends here and what is familiar, I would not move again unless there was one person I was close to nearby) and illness (I was having other serious health problems not related to my current ones), I ended up going back, and it broke my heart to leave that baby who had learned to wail when I walked out of her field of vision. I still love that child, even though she does not know me. It's wonderful when her father sends me pictures, she's so beautiful. Hopefully I'll get to go visit someday soon.

But like I said, there was a bit of some spiritual turmoil going on in the ATL for me. I was truly "all alone" so to speak, I didn't really have access to someone I could talk to about what I was feeling, and at the time I had returned to the LDS church for the sake of community. But I didn't trust anyone there with what it was that was going on in my heart. Deep down inside I felt like less than a human being because I had this idea in my head that my past had tainted and shamed me. I was also ashamed of my race, and sought to hide it in any way I could, which was really rediculous when you come to think of it.

The LDS down in ATL were overall very kind to me. They were nowhere near as stuffy and pretentious as the LDS in the ward in which I was baptized. I was actually shocked, because it really felt like I was not among TBMs at all. But I knew these kids were just as strong in their beliefs as any others, they were just more down to earth. So while there I did enjoy myself.

I got a job working at a Methodist church in the nursery, playing with the two-year-olds while the parents went to service. That was the easiest $75 a week I ever earned. But even there, in the midst of THAT kindness, I felt isolated, and as if I didn't deserve the happiness I saw there. I was convinced that these women with children would never be me, that these families would never be a dream that I could realize. I was so hopeful, yet so unhappy.

So I prayed about it, and let God minister to me.

There have been discussions on the other boards about a "God gene", about most humans being wired for spiritual experiences (and forgive me if I don't really go deep into them, when there's a whole bunch of negativity swirling around I tend to just blow it off and say "what the hell"). As far back as I can remember, before my grandmothers started taking me to church with them, I was aware of a force that I somehow knew to call "God". My mother didn't talk to me about God that I can recall (I'll ask her). I wasn't raised in a religious home, my parents were not atheists, but they didn't take us to church. I was a good 7-8, maybe 10 years old before the subject of God took an active place in my life through the words of the adults around me. That began in Sabbath school with the Jewish grandmother and continued in Catholic school (which delighted me because it was so different, and pissed off the Jewish grandmother, especially when I started singing their hymns in her church...she shouldn't have asked me to sing so much).

But I remember as a child, growing up in a neighborhood where children were scarce because they had all grown up with my brother eight years my senior, playing on the playground and "singing to God". I never prayed as a child, but I do remember singing to God. I do remember thinking about God. I do remember being aware of God. And I do remember wondering where the hell God was when I was in trouble as a child.

But it never occurred to me to doubt God's existence. Never. Doubt God's motives, yes. Doubt God's kindness towards me at times, yes (Lord, what did I do?). Doubt God's providence, yes. But not God's existence. And I cannot answer why.

It's not as simple as some desperate need to believe in something. Those who scoffingly make that statement have not been to the depths that I've been to. They have not lain naked on a bed with welts all over their body, staring out of a window wishing they were either dead or had wings, or even that their reality were not real. They have not watched people turn a blind eye to their suffering year after year after year. They have not sat at family Christmas parties and watched every single relative enter and ignore you as you sat at the door greeting, "Merry Christmas"...and just days after your mother made you sign a document saying you'd leave her house in nine months, all because you wouldn't let her completely control your 24-year-old life. They don't know where I've been. In these moments I didn't cling to anything. I just...drifted. And I drift now. I drift in faith, because I feel that if I try to straighten this mess out where I am now, I'll make an even bigger mess. So I wait.

But back to the timeline.

I came back home, and I came home stronger. I had a car, I was going places, less willing to allow mom to control me. And yes, I was 24. I got a desk job not too far from home, and I did my thing. Mom was ticked that I had such easy access to life. She grumbled incessantly. I left the desk job for a nanny job in '05, because caring for children is what I love to do. My job was a bit intensive, I worked days, nights, and weekends, depending on my employer's schedule. I could either keep the kids overnight, come early and get them for school, get them from school, take them to activities after school, help with homework, prepare meals....pretty much be mom while mom was away babysitting dickhead Bush. Mom gave me a calendar to let me know when I was needed. MY mom demanded a copy of this calendar with my personal schedule penciled in to be given to her, so she would know "when I could clean house" (BS excuse). I told her no. She made me sign an ultimatum saying I would leave, which would essentially cause me to have to quit the job I had (it wasn't paying enough to support me on my own in this area, DC is mad expensive), go back to desk work, and abandon school temporarily. She eventually reneged, but not after putting me through a hellish Christmas with her sisters.

Ah, Mom's sisters. How I hate them. Yes, I'm Christian and I hate my mom's sisters. They're evil. They see no good in me, even though out of all the family (outside my aunt who sold herself to the highest bidder, my extremely wealthy and extremely kind uncle...who I am very fond of, though I do pity him, he married HER) I have had the most success in life. They nitpick with me, and never seek to see anything good in me. My mom will use them as pawns to get most anything out of me, and usually I just hold my tongue. It's not good to argue.

Not much has changed since I came back except for my illness. The stroke turned everything upside down, I'm afraid to take on a full-time job, and I'm about to beg my neurologist to just go in and take that blood clot out. Mom freaked out when I got sick, but every now and again she goes back to her old self, and I wonder if she's just taking care of me because she's afraid I'll die before she has a chance to say she's sorry. I dunno.

Still, between these tremendous headaches, the "prickly" feet, and the other ailments, I do feel happy and at peace. I believe that a deep spiritual work has been done in me, and it has been done over the course of the time I spent online making my exodus both out of the church and out of the darkness. Like I said, I'm determined this story should have a happy ending. I used to think that the grass would always be greener on the other side, but my new pastor said something wise on sunday. He said that someone is watering that grass, that's why it's green (simple, ain't it?). So I'm gonna water my grass.

I look on my bookshelf, and so does my mother, so do my friends. They see mainly spiritual works. The skeptics will say I'm brainwashing myself. But I wonder who is happier. Is it worth it to spend a life in cynicism just so you can think you got over on someone or something? Seriously, I want to ponder that for a moment. Is joy a suitable sacrifice for feeling as if you've triumphed over a worldview? Is it ok to spend the rest of your days in emotional mediocrity because you think that to give in to spirituality is a cop-out?

I've never struggled with this, so I cannot answer these questions. But I have also not failed to wonder why people suffer. But I also know that there are those in this world who suffer far more than me who have greater faith...and they're not
"clinging" to it. No, they're standing tall with it at their side. And I think it's insulting to insinuate that those who treasure their spiritual experiences are somehow lesser human beings. It's also even more insulting to insinuate that to be a proper Christian one must be an eternal target. That shows that the person who is making this claim knows much less about Christianity and the command to "turn the other cheek" than even he or she knows.

Me, I prefer to be real at all times. If the skeptics had the relationship with God that I have, there'd be no problem. You see, I believe that God sees me (and everyone else) as I am and loves me as I am. Love does not always equal approval. But with that said, if you do something stupid, and I feel you're being a jumblef*ck, God already knows how I feel. If letting you know I think you're being a jumblef*ck might shed some light on the situation, I'm gonna open my mouth. Let us all be in on this situation. I'm not worried about your opinion of what it means to be a Christian. Christian does not equal inhuman and unfeeling, I have the same range of feelings that you do, I bleed just like you. You don't get a "crap on the world free" card just because some of you believe in and value nothing, and yet try to hold me to a standard you neither respect nor understand.

With that said, here's a bit of light on what I've been through, and a bit of light on what faith has done for me. If I feel the need to, or if someone has a respectful question, I'll post some more. Faith isn't some teddy bear, it's a legitimate experience for many, and just because you had a bad time of it (like you have been the only one), or because perhaps you haven't had an experience doesn't mean that the whole world should just drop what they're doing and follow you.

To those of you peaceful, intelligent individuals who are in varying stages of non-theism (and that probably didn't even get close or get it right), thank you for who you are. I'm sorry that those who can't handle themselves maturely or responsibly with regards to their beliefs about not believing in God are making as much of a stink as the religious fundamentalists are.

[_moksha]

In the past, those without rhythm became parents.

[Guest]

Hey GIMR, I just read your story. You are really an amazing woman!

You are such a beautiful woman too. I just love your smile!

I have no idea how to crop any of my pictures or I'd post one of me!

If you can photobucket/imageshack it and PM it to me I'll cut it down to size and send it back so's you can post it.

Bikini shots are probably easier for Bond to work with.

Yah, well. I sent Bond a picture. In very good taste (I try to keep my husband in mind when I'm on boards, no flirting, no innapropriate things that would upset him) and decided I will post it once.


****Took picture off****

[_Bond...James Bond]

Yah, well. I sent Bond a picture. In very good taste (I try to keep my husband in mind when I'm on boards, no flirting, no innapropriate things that would upset him) and decided I don't need to post it. I'm not so sure he would appreciate it.

But thanks Bond.

You could PM it to some select people (I'm thinking of doing the same thing if I can find a decent photo of myself)

[_barrelomonkeys]

Yah, well. I sent Bond a picture. In very good taste (I try to keep my husband in mind when I'm on boards, no flirting, no innapropriate things that would upset him) and decided I don't need to post it. I'm not so sure he would appreciate it.

But thanks Bond.

You could PM it to some select people (I'm thinking of doing the same thing if I can find a decent photo of myself)

I just changed my mind! LOL! I'm posting it once. Just for today. I have a hard time finding pictures of myself. It's usually with my family or I'm the one taking the picture.

My husband and I actually "met" over the internet. He thinks I'm gorgeous and is very nervous about me being on boards. As I would be with him. So anyway... I figure the people looking on this thread aren't gonna start hittin on me. ;)

[_Yoda]

Hey GIMR, I just read your story. You are really an amazing woman!

You are such a beautiful woman too. I just love your smile!

I have no idea how to crop any of my pictures or I'd post one of me!

If you can photobucket/imageshack it and PM it to me I'll cut it down to size and send it back so's you can post it.

Bikini shots are probably easier for Bond to work with.

Yah, well. I sent Bond a picture. In very good taste (I try to keep my husband in mind when I'm on boards, no flirting, no innapropriate things that would upset him) and decided I will post it once.

You're really pretty, Book of Mormon! I can see why hubby might get nervous! LOL

Great picture.

I need to have my younger daughter (she's the photographer of the family) take a new pic of me. I don't have one since I've lost my baby weight.

[_Yoda]

Yah, well. I sent Bond a picture. In very good taste (I try to keep my husband in mind when I'm on boards, no flirting, no innapropriate things that would upset him) and decided I don't need to post it. I'm not so sure he would appreciate it.

But thanks Bond.

You could PM it to some select people (I'm thinking of doing the same thing if I can find a decent photo of myself)

I hope I'm on your list, Bond. ;)

Of course, you'll always be James Bond to me.

;)

[_Bond...James Bond]

I hope I'm on your list, Bond. ;)

Of course, you'll always be James Bond to me.

;)

Just sent it....PM me if you want to see the horrendous mask that is Bond.....

[_Bond...James Bond]

So anyway... I figure the people looking on this thread aren't gonna start hittin on me. ;)

Hey cutie-pie....if things don't go well between you and that other dude wanna catch a movie sometime?

;-P

[_KimberlyAnn]

So anyway... I figure the people looking on this thread aren't gonna start hittin on me. ;)

I figure you figured wrong, cutie pie! I'm a woman and I'm fighting off the urge to hit on you. *suggestive wink* ;)

Seriously, you look almost like I imagined you, Book of Mormon. What a pretty smile you have!

KA