It's that time of year again

_Yoda · Post by **_Yoda** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:10 pm

OMG! This exchange is hysterical! It's like a Mormon Penthouse!

LOL

Post by **_SatanWasSetUp** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:24 pm

Hey Bednar. Does your wife know about your online relationships?

Post by **_KimberlyAnn** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:17 pm

David A. Bednar wrote:Slow and ryth...er...steady always wins the race, my dear Sister. Surely you know the story of the hare and the turtle?

About your burning bosom: You obviously aren't wearing your garments, Kimberly Ann. Those special protectors will immediately douse that out-of-control fire. If those don't work for you, perhaps I can come up with some other prob.....er...pointers. Do keep me informed!

Elder Bedme,

I fear nothing will put out the spirit which has set my bosom aflame except the laying on of hands! Your hands. Do you not have authority to perform the laying on of hands? I promise, if you will share with me the power of your priesthood, I will grasp firmly to the iron rod and remain steadfast 'till the end!

Will you come bless me, Elder Bednar? Don't forget the consecrated oil.

KA

Post by **_Boyd_K_Packer** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:32 pm

Elder Bednar,

I strongly counsel you to cease and dismiss communicating with the harlots on this internet board. My spirit of discernment has led me to the conclusion that the conversations between you and the females are not innocent, but wo for they have a sexual undercurrent. Through much prayer and fasting I have been led to suspect the one who calls you Bedme is not accidently mispronouncing your name, but she may be intentionally doing so because it has a sexual sound to it. Because you are a junior Apostle, your discernment skills are not yet sharpened. Like David of old who was seduced by Bathsheba, the wicked women of this board seek to set a trap for you. It is easy for you, a Junior Apostle, to be oblivious to the wily seduction of the wicked whores which seek to seduce the Lord's annointed, yea, even like unto the harlots of old whose perverse ways brought much misery unto mankind. Fall not for their trap. For they may seem innocent, but hidden within their sweet banter are fiery darts of the Adversary. Nevertheless fear not, for through the excercising of my keys of discernment I was able to discover that the words spoken to you by the harlots are not innocent, but yea, they are of vile sexuality. I counsel thee to pull out, yea, even retreat from this den of female serpents which seeks to seduce thee and destroy your eternal life. Return home, think not about females but instead think of baseball. Do not wash your genitals, for it may arouse them. Read, pray, ponder the scriptures, and soon your discernment skills shall increase.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Boyd K Packer

Post by **_David A. Bednar** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 7:05 pm

SatanWasSetUp wrote:Hey Bednar. Does your wife know about your online relationships?

My dear brother/sister SWSU,

What a silly moniker (like a University or something), but to each his own. We all have our agency, to be sure.

You clearly do not understand the POS (Plan of Salvation). I would suggest that you find the soundtrack to that great roadshow, "Saturday's Warrior," and listen closely.

Didn't you all just love that roadshow, by the way? It brought and still brings tears to my eyes when they sing the words: "Who are these children coming down, coming down, like gentle rain..."

Powerful stuff!

Now, about my online relationships: I must admit I am confused by your question. Which online relationships are you referring to?

My wife was upset when I set up a myspace account and she saw some of "my friends." But we agreed that I would take that down.

I wonder why so many people read sexual things into what I say. I have to admit I have received some strange feedback to my Pickle address at the last conference.

My mother would be embarrassed for she is the one that taught me first-hand all about pickles and cucumbers and the spiritual messages we can gain through the proper preparation of pickles. My wife really liked that address. It was her favorite. (We'll see what she says about my upcoming harness address.) Do you think the same weird sick people will misread that address, as well?

I fear for the people in today's world. They take even the most harmless analogy and turn it into things sexual. Sigh! I guess it is a sign of the times, along with the Gadianton robbers over in Afghanistan.

But be assured, my dear brother/sister SWSU, that you have implied something naughty in my responses, is merely a reflection on you.

God knows my heart. And anyway, after having received my calling and election, it hardly matters at all does it? I'm in like Flint. I'm sure we can't say that for yourself, now can we?

We can't say that for Brother Tommy however either. This, I fear, is another reason he sits wimpering in front of the Holy of Holies. He still has to watch out for what he does; where I, on the other hand, have free reign.

Ah, if only Brother Tommy was an alpha male. He might have a better chance.

Feel free to contact me, dear brother/sister SWSU to set up an appointment to discuss your dirty thoughts. If you have been offended by these words, well, that is your sin and I won't be held responsible for your sins. You sink or swim on your own in this gospel.

Repent and pay your tithing before you burn in hell. When you come visit, we can get you on an installment plan to catch up on all your back tithing. Trust me. You will be ever grateful that you did before it is too late.

I say these things to you hoping that you will once again put on the harness of love and selflessness and work together with us to save the world from the catastrophes that are sure to swiftly follow.

Your concerned brother, yeah, even one of the apostles of the Lord, even the great Jehovah.

Elder David A. Bednar

Post by **_DaniteDan** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:06 pm

It's good to arrive. I heard the Brethren needed a little assistance so Elder Monson, Bednar and my Favorite, Elder Packer, please call on me if you need a little extra legal activity done.

Post by **_Brackite** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:22 pm

Hi Boyd_K_Packer,

I must urge you to counsel the Sunday afternoon General Conference Session that is Schedule from 2:00 through 4:00 MDT. At 2:15 MDT, This coming Sunday afternoon, a very important NFL Football game will be played. The San Diego Chargers will be playing the Denver Broncos within Denver, Colorado, this Sunday Afternoon, at 2:15 MDT. This is a very, very important NFL Football Game to watch for nearly everyone Person who is a football fan out there. You need to counsel the Sunday General Conference this Sunday afternoon Session, so that every football fan can watch the San Diego Chargers take on playing the Denver Broncos this Sunday afternoon.

Post by **_DaniteDan** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:27 pm

Brackite: I have some friends on the inside that work in communications. I maybe able to get that game on the big screen in every chapel in the world. If you want it to appear in the middle of Elder Packers talk then the game will appear.... If it's worth it ;)

Post by **_Brackite** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:33 pm

DaniteDan wrote:Brackite: I have some friends on the inside that work in communications. I maybe able to get that game on the big screen in every chapel in the world. If you want it to appear in the middle of Elder Packers talk then the game will appear.... If it's worth it ;)

Hi! Yes, Please try to do this. Watching the San Diego Chargers playing the Denver Broncos is a lot more important that watching a speech given by Elder Boyd K. Packer. NO Personal offense to you, Boyd K. Packer, but there is usually nothing better to watch than an AFC West NFL Football Divisional Football Game being played in Denver, Colorado.

Post by **_Boyd_K_Packer** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:36 pm

Brackite wrote:Hi Boyd_K_Packer,

I must urge you to counsel the Sunday afternoon General Conference Session that is Schedule from 2:00 through 4:00 MDT. At 2:15 MDT, This coming Sunday afternoon, a very important NFL Football game will be played. The San Diego Chargers will be playing the Denver Broncos within Denver, Colorado, this Sunday Afternoon, at 2:15 MDT. This is a very, very important NFL Football Game to watch for nearly everyone Person who is a football fan out there. You need to counsel the Sunday General Conference this Sunday afternoon Session, so that every football fan can watch the San Diego Chargers take on playing the Denver Broncos this Sunday afternoon.

Brackite,

I haven't watched an NFL football game since Red Grange carried the pigskin for the old Chicago Bears wearing a lether helmet with no facemask. Those were the days when men were men. No need for facemasks to protect their pretty, girly faces. I don't watch football anymore. And if I don't watch, why does anyone else need to?

Sincerely,

Boyd K Packer