Who has been where I am? Questioning. Where did you end up?

[_truth dancer]

Hi MMs... (I'm currently craving M&Ms... smile),

Let me just say welcome to the board and you are most definitely not alone! I think your current experience is more common than we may recognize!

Over and over I hear the same story... from active, strong, dedicated members.

My personal experience is somewhat different in that my worldview never really matched that of the church, hard as I tried to embrace the LDS version of life and existence. Finally, I just could no longer live an inauthentic life, or a life based on "truths" and teachings that did not seem holy to me... I discovered an LDS message board, ZLMB, posted the very first day I found it, really hoping for some sort of help only to be called a troll... it went from bad to worse! :-)

The journey out of Mormonism was not an easy one... but today I feel more alive and at peace than I ever felt as a believer. I feel a vibrancy for life, a wonder of the universe, a depth of beauty that was absent as I struggled to embrace a religion that was not a good fit. The knot in my stomach started to unwind the day I told others I had to follow my own truth... (what felt right in my heart and what made sense to my mind and experience of life).

If the LDS belief system works and brightens the life of someone, and if they truly find peace and joy, then I would never encourage them to release their belief, however, more and more I am discovering that many people find the teachings and beliefs (doctrine) of the church to be less than Godly. Over and over, I learn of those strugging to hold onto a belief system that feels harmful and wrong.

Let me assure you that letting go of a faith tradition does not mean someone becomes a horrible person, in the clutches of Satan, or full of evil, as is commonly asserted by believers. I think for many people, as they embrace what feels healthy and true, their lives become more full, more rich, and more full of peace.

My heart goes out to you and all those in the midst of the struggle who may be reading this...


~dancer~

[_Yong Xi]

MMS,

Although I am not a big fan of the exmormon.org forum, I did find the stories of exmormons fascinating. You can go to the exmormon.org website for access to these stories. You will read a variety of accounts (atrocity tales) from many who have left the church. Much of what you read will probably resonate with you.

It may come as a surprise to you, but there are 1000's of people in your shoes. Most of them are silent, however.

As a warning, if you continue down this path, it sounds like you (and your wife) are smart enough to end up outside of the church.

Best of luck to you and your family!

[_Mercury]

A couple of things I asked myself:

Is it POSSIBLE Joseph Smith was not what he claimed to be?

Is it possible that the method of discerning truth put forth in Moroni is inaccurate? Furthermore, is Moroni's promise an improper model of thought?

Why did Joseph Smith need to steal other mens wives? Why did joe need to bed a 14 year old girl? Are joes actions indicative of a character flaw?

To what extent does the LDS church rely on covering up the truth of Mormon history? Is this neccesary if it is the one and only true faith?

What is the utility of Mormonism? Is there a better way without so much "overhead"?

[_Some Schmo]

I believe I was about 10 years old when I thought to myself, "If some kid came up to me and told me that he'd just gone into the forest and saw god, I'd never believe him."

To me, everything else is just window dressing. If you can't believe that the dude saw god, what else matters? It's all a fraud.

It actually pretty simple.

[_Who Knows]

So, sorry for the long story, but for those who have been here--if you have--what happened? Where did you end up and why?

My story is similar to yours. All that happened a couple of years ago.

Right now, I still go to sacrament meeting about once or twice a month - to support my wife (watch the kids). But then I go home after that. I haven't been to sunday school or priesthood in about a year and a half. I resigned from my calling about a year and a half ago, and told the bishop that 'i don't believe it anymore' about a year ago. I told my family about 8 months ago (i'm talking about parents, siblings, etc. - my wife knew all along).

It's all worked out pretty great. Everyone's actually been fine with it. My wife pretty much doesn't believe it anymore, but still clings to a belief in god and Jesus, so she still attends church. plus, she has a number of friends at church, so goes for the social aspect as well.

And i live in pleasant grove, utah (all the neighbors are lds). they've actually all been pretty 'ok' with it all.

Good luck to you bro.

[_Who Knows]

Wilma Fingerdoo - love the avatar!

[Snazzip]

Intro...(cheesy Mormon song) "You're not alone.....even though right now, you're all alone.........blah blah blah blah blah, your needs are known, you're not alone......)

I'm also a BIC, RM, BYU grad, Temple marriage, who has lost that lovin feeling with the church so to speak. Though secretly, church always bored me to death (just thought is was something that the righteous had to suffer) I was active in every way. Been in EQ callings, Young Mens, Sunday School presidencies, etc etc. Everything was okay until I started browsing the net. The first online articles I read were things by Max Skousen such as the Temple Book and the Beyond the Mark series. I thought his ideas were great, but he was an ex-mormon. I also read some books by JJ Dewey (also an ex-mo) that I found fascinating. I thought these guys were supposed to hunger for the blood of Joseph Smith as apostates, not be continuing writing in support of him and his ideas. So that brought up a lot of questions since I found a lot of alternative information that "fed me" so to speak. Then I found my way to an EV apologetics board and bashed with them for a while, but quickly realized no one ever changes their mind or beliefs, so what was the point. That lead me, some how, to the old ZLMB, then FAIR, and now here. Never been banned anywhere though. I just not that smart and I usually threadkill anyway. I guess I'm just not a ruffling feathers type of guy. I take out my frustrations on the Horde and the Covenant.

For me, small turning points have happened over the years that have caused me to doubt. No one issue causes me angst. I just one day had to admit to myself that I didn't have testimony, and that I had never had any spiritual experiences at church. But the more I read alternative ideas about religion and God, the more excited I became about those ideas and the more the pure drudgery at church just seemed to kill me. I was excited and uplifted to investigate and read other things, but church just bored me almost to death. So through all this, I had to admit that the church just might not be true. Or maybe it was and things went wrong. Or it was inspired just as many other organizations are. Or maybe God doesn't exist at all. I guess all options were and are on the table for me now. I used to be one of those who said "I can't believe what my life would be like if I didn't know about the plan of salvation blah blah blah". But now I truly have no idea, and I feel just fine ("its the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.....".

So I'm semi active, with a very supportive, loving TBM wife and active young children. My wife definitely loves me over the church and wouldn't ever leave me over it (I'm too good in the sack). But I would never force her to make that decision. I think its okay to give the kids some structure, but I won't lie to them about what I do or don't know about god and religion. For example, we were watching World Series of Poker on tv and it was an "all in moment" for two players. One of the player's wives was praying outloud for Jesus to let them win the hand. I just laughed and explained to my boys, God doesn't care or listen to prayers about poker! My wife gave me a wry look and that was it.

So Sunday's are tough, but we have expanded our activities and go to parks and do other things we never used to. I'm too busy during the week to do much else with the church. Life is just too short to live it bored and suffering. Anyway, good luck and take it easy.

[_christopher]

So, sorry for the long story, but for those who have been here--if you have--what happened? Where did you end up and why?

The church doesn't claim to be good, it claims to be true. If shown not to be, then no matter how good it is, it's claims of absolute truth make it not worthy to be involved in for me.

It took a long time of painful study and thought and prayer to realize it wasn't what it claims to be.

by the way, I'm still a Christian, not real keen on denominations, and have realized that the whole world doesn't have to be Utah-centric to properly worship God.

Chris <><

[_dartagnan]

This is a common exit narrative that is shared by more people that you realize. Much of what you’re describing sounds like I am reading portions of my own journal.

You get curious about some things, you investigate, you offend TBMs with questions, When you tell them you’re LDS they accuse you of duplicity and say your are a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and then you find yourself being pushed away from the people you thought would help you.

This goes back to something posted at FAIR a couple of years ago. The people argued that maybe the forum was counter-productive. Even Juliann suggested it should be closed down. I agreed that it was counter-productive, and said that I would not recommend ANY Mormon to peruse my apologetic website because chances are, they will be biting off more than they can chew, and once you take that first step to inquiry, it is a slippery slope that usually finds its end with you outside the Church. Others get out and never return to apologetics again. They go back to their usual “I know the Church is true” rehearsals.

My so-called “falling away” initially took place on the FAIR e-list when I started criticizing LDS apologetics.

So, not getting much help from the fair and farms articles, and feeling angry (admittedly) because I thought the Church could have and should have done far more to ensure I did not end up in this shocked and surprised state

Word to the wise: You will never, ever receive any sympathy for your feelings on this. The apologists at FAIR, especially the types like Juliann, will forever attack you for taking this position. They insist you are responsible for your own state and when you blame the Church in any way, they hate you for it. They even have the audacity to make ridiculous arguments like “You should have investigated this stuff before joining.”

RIGHT!

As if the missionaries or any other LDS member would have encouraged or even been OK with that before you baptism. They rush you through the discussions and into the baptismal font as quick as humanly possible. When the hell do you have time to investigate anything? They call you an investigator but what you really are supposed to be doing is taking orders. Read the Book of Mormon. Pray about the Book of Mormon. Tell us how you felt after prayer, and then commit to baptism. All that other stuff is just meat after the milk. When you encounter it later in life you’re screwed, because now you’re a Mormon who has made covenants with God and will forever be condemned if you decide to make intellectual decisions based on a full disclosure of the information.

I lurked briefly at the MA&D board and jumped in too quickly--not knowing exactly what went on there. I thought that these were the people who could help me get to where I needed to get. I explained my situation, how I did not feel like I would intellectually overcome my doubts because the case seemed lopsided against the church in various ways, and that I knew I needed to turn to the Spirit. But I was questioning that (the Spirit) because of a confusion about the distinction between the "warm fuzzies" and the feeling sof the Spirit. I had recently discovered the "Heartsell" method of Bonneville Communications and used it as an exampleof why I was confused about identifying the Spirit.

This was a whammy for me too. The Church has to tug on the emotional strings of people to “prove” it is God’s Church. Even if you don’t start crying, the Mormon beside you will, and then you’re supposed to interpret that as the “spirit testifying” whatever it is they are trying to sell you.

[_harmony]

My question is, what do you have left at the end of the day, when all's said and done? Do you retain a belief in God? Do you find a reason to stay in the church, or do you pack up your family and run? Do you see any worth in sticking around and trying to fix the church? (is it a sick friend or a ravenous enemy?)

How do you deal with what you now know?