I actually have considered lately whether my non-religious upbringing contributes to my inability to find happiness within a marriage?
I don't think so. Although I think that the environment that we are raised in can have a lot to do with it, I think luck is a huge part of it. My completely irregilous and hedonistic best friends have one of the best relationships that I've seen. I think that it has a lot to do with expectations.
Of course, I would encourage anyone that is enduring an abuseful relationship (of any sort), to explore their options. No one should have to deal with that.
I actually have considered lately whether my non-religious upbringing contributes to my inability to find happiness within a marriage?
I don't think so. Although I think that the environment that we are raised in can have a lot to do with it, I think luck is a huge part of it. My completely irregilous and hedonistic best friends have one of the best relationships that I've seen. I think that it has a lot to do with expectations.
I think it helps to have similar spiritual beliefs...but more importantly, if different, can each be completely okay with the partner living what they believe? What about the kids?
My marriage counselor asked my TBM wife and me to write down the five most important needs (from the other) in the marriage. Hers were ALL church related (a husband to take her to the temple, be able to give the kids blessings, take her to the ck, etc.) Mine were sex, sex, sex....(Jenn Kamp)
After he read the lists, he suggested we divorce. It was the best thing we could have done for everybody.
I actually have considered lately whether my non-religious upbringing contributes to my inability to find happiness within a marriage?
I don't think so. Although I think that the environment that we are raised in can have a lot to do with it, I think luck is a huge part of it. My completely irregilous and hedonistic best friends have one of the best relationships that I've seen. I think that it has a lot to do with expectations.
Of course, I would encourage anyone that is enduring an abuseful relationship (of any sort), to explore their options. No one should have to deal with that.
cacheman
I would agree that the environment we were raised in sets the example for our own relationships. Oddly enough, though, my parents have been married for 43 years and still going strong.
Bond, thanks for mentioning the silver lining. No doubt I do always seek out the best in people.
My marriage counselor asked my TBM wife and me to write down the five most important needs (from the other) in the marriage. Hers were ALL church related (a husband to take her to the temple, be able to give the kids blessings, take her to the ck, etc.) Mine were sex, sex, sex....(Jenn Kamp)
After he read the lists, he suggested we divorce. It was the best thing we could have done for everybody.
That's a tough situation. I feel for you and your family. It's too bad that religion can sometimes have such an effect. My wife and I have had our moments, but she is not exactly TBM. Not a lot you can do in your situation. Best wishes.
barrelomonkeys wrote:I need to stay out of this thread. It's actually a bummer for me. :(
Seems there always are the ups and downs, but when do you know when to really throw in the towel?
When you either aren't talking or when the only talking you do is via yelling. Or if there's physical abuse or mental abuse. (Of course then you have to separate teasing from mental and verbal abuse....hmm...Pandora's Box?)
(I just knew I would have plenty to say in this thread.....and yet I probably should butt out)
I actually have considered lately whether my non-religious upbringing contributes to my inability to find happiness within a marriage? It's not that I take divorce lightly, I don't! I think the break up of a family has devastating consequences for children. Although it would appear with the statistics seen with divorce in the US today and the number of those that profess to have a religious faith that perhaps it's not related? I'm not certain what it is. Perhaps it's just that I have very poor choices in men?
Oh well.
I don't know if you would be wise in assuming this particular correlation because marriages in general- even those raised in a religious atmosphere- often experience such turbulence.
Last edited by Guest on Thu Nov 15, 2007 2:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
One moment in annihilation's waste, one moment, of the well of life to taste- The stars are setting and the caravan starts for the dawn of nothing; Oh, make haste! -Omar Khayaam
BishopRic wrote:My marriage counselor asked my TBM wife and me to write down the five most important needs (from the other) in the marriage. Hers were ALL church related (a husband to take her to the temple, be able to give the kids blessings, take her to the ck, etc.) Mine were sex, sex, sex....(Jenn Kamp)
After he read the lists, he suggested we divorce. It was the best thing we could have done for everybody.
Hmmm... mine would be: good lover, able to move furniture, good lover, able to fix a car that's broken down beside the road, good lover, able to teach children to respect their momma. And it helps if occasionally he laughs at my jokes.
Sounds to me like you're easily pleased, while your ex was not going to be pleased, no matter what. I've known some women like that. *shudder*
BishopRic wrote:Okay, from a (temple marriage) divorcee of 6 years, but engaged to be married to a fellow exmo next June, my expectations in marriage are completely different than in my previous marriage. I believe Mormon marriages are generally quite codependent. In other words, there's a lot of "fixing" each other, as well as expectations and "shoulds/should nots."
I'm hoping in my next marriage to live independent lives shared together. I have no plans to change her one little bit! It seems that a successful marriage usually involves two people that communicate well, but that allow the other much freedom to be themself. If the other does something I don't like, there are two choices...I can ask her to change, or I can change myself to accept her as is. I'm planning on focusing on the latter in this next, and hopefully last, marriage!
Oh, it will be your last!
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who cold not hear the music. ----Nietzche
I propose a new MDB religion where we're all in one big marriage. Everyone is fair game. All in favor, say aye!
And, as prophet of this new church, I get dibs on the first go with the women....
Except who do I pick first.....wow....what a tough choice!!
Scottie, I'm hurt. I thought I would be your first choice, hands down. LOL
* whispers * You were the first choice hands down...I just didn't want to hurt the other girls feelings. Oh, and I certainly didn't tell them all the same thing....
Last edited by Guest on Thu Nov 15, 2007 6:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
If there's one thing I've learned from this board, it's that consensual sex with multiple partners is okay unless God commands it. - Abman
I find this place to be hostile toward all brands of stupidity. That's why I like it. - Some Schmo
One of the reasons I asked this question was that my girlfriend dumped me last week.
She said that on paper, we were perfect for each other. We had physical attraction, we had tons of fun together, we trusted each other, we were comfortable with each other, etc. It had all the makings of a great long term relationship. But, she just didn't feel "it".
It seems to me that many couples get married based solely on the "it", when they have no real connections anywhere else, and the marriages fail once the "it" dies.
So, how important is the "it" factor in a relationship?
Would you marry someone that you had nothing in common with, but you were just incredibly drawn to them? Would you marry someone where you had all the pieces, but you just felt like it was missing something? Or would you hold out for someone that you had at least some compatibility and some of the "it"? Or full compatibility and full "it"?
If there's one thing I've learned from this board, it's that consensual sex with multiple partners is okay unless God commands it. - Abman
I find this place to be hostile toward all brands of stupidity. That's why I like it. - Some Schmo