From our past: 'My child needs a priesthood blessing'

[Guest]

Remember those days?

Getting a call late in the evening from some sister in the ward who had a child who had a cold or cough?

"He just won't stop coughing", she would plead.

"FINE!" you grumble as you call your home teaching companion. You search for the stupid key chain oil vile as the last one that you had on your key chain in your pocket leaked and left an embarrassing stain on your pants. Lastly you search for the stupid priesthood manual which the only time had been with you at priesthood meeting was when they gave it to you.

On the way over to pick him up you run through scenarios so that he ends up doing the actual blessing and you just the oil.

That would often back fire and you are stuck making up the magic prayer for the silly kid who had a simple cough.

One time a woman called for a blessing on one of her five children. When we arrived she was not sure which one needed the blessing so we ended up giving a blessing to the two that had coughed.

Mind you, these kids were running around full of energy and not sickly. I looked at my HT comp and we both rolled our eyes.

So there you are, hands pressing down on this boy who is giggling as his mother tries to calm him down. You mind is searching to string together popular phrases found in most magical priesthood blessings...

Afterwards you try and act like Casper the Mormon Holy Ghost® had possessed you to speak such a "wonderful blessing" as referred to by the mother.

The car ride back home to drop off your HT comp is deathly silent because you both know you had just pulled off a great scam.

Another time in college, a room mate living in the same apartment as my then girlfriend(Lidia) asked me point blank to give her a blessing because she was scared of the night. Bothered and creeped out, I decided to have fun and I pulled out the best bullsheeite for that one while Lidia sat with a huge smirk on her face.

So give it up brothers, tell us your funniest and most ridiculous request for a bwessing, or sisters who receive a BS blessing.

Thankfully, I did not waste two years on a mission, but heard that some of the sister missionaries were so regular on getting blessings that some joked and called it "Blessing of the Week".

[_Scottie]

I once gave my nephew a blessing for pink eye.

I also once gave my wife (at the time) a blessing, and accidentally called her by her maiden name! It took us a 1/2 hour to stop from laughing before I could do the blessing again.

The best were the baby blessings. I basically just ran down the list of traits that a good, healthy person should have. "I bless you with health. I bless you with a keen mind. I bless you with emotional stability. I bless you to find a partner and get married in the temple." I had been rehearsing it for days before the actual blessing, so there was absolutely NO spiritual promptings, but I kind of paused in between lines to act like I was "listening" to the spirit tell me what to say next.

One of the big reasons for the divorce was that my wife wanted the priesthood in the home so that she could get a blessing if she needed one. Now, here's my question...supposedly God answers all prayers, right? Under what circumstances does God say, "Gosh, ya know, I'd LOVE to answer that prayer, but I need something a bit more here....you better get 2 men to pour some oil on your head and give a blessing. THEN I'll heal you. But your prayer just isn't enough for me."

Plus, what if one of the men isn't worthy? Or what if he doesn't have enough faith? What if he's secretly watching porn? Well, your blessing is screwed then, isn't it? Now God is saying, "Gosh...I'd love to heal your son, but Bro Johnson isn't worthy here....so I'm afraid that blessing just isn't going to stick. Sucks for your son, but, Democrats da breaks."

[_Sethbag]

I'm waiting for someone to post that their child needed a blessing because they were born retarded, and the blessing healed them and they now have an IQ of 140. Or that they lost a leg in an accident, and someone blessed them and their leg came back. Not that a child had the 24-hour flu and you blessed them and a half a day later they were feeling a lot better.

[_Inconceivable]

Boaz and Scottie,

I never faked a blessing. It was was only me that conveyed it. I paused occasionally for a connection. For the most part it came natural to me. I spoke things that became apparant to my soul. Almost as if it were a recollection.

I can't explain it and probably never will be able because I won't encourage a confusing Mormon God. You've read some of my accounts. I won't give blessings anymore.

Maybe you both are lucky you've never been in the presence of actual miracles. It has really messed with my mind.

[_Imwashingmypirate]

One can be retarded and have an IQ of 140 at the same time. I did an IQ test and got 149 once. I am not the brightest spark in the world. Or am I!!! *Looks around suspiciously* I come across as a nutter. Hehe.

B&L, what kinda balony did you say in Lidia's blessing to make her laugh?

[_Boaz & Lidia]

Boaz and Scottie,

I never faked a blessing. It was was only me that conveyed it. I paused occasionally for a connection. For the most part it came natural to me. I spoke things that became apparant to my soul. Almost as if it were a recollection.

I can't explain it and probably never will be able because I won't encourage a confusing Mormon God. You've read some of my accounts. I won't give blessings anymore.

Maybe you both are lucky you've never been in the presence of actual miracles. It has really messed with my mind.

With all due respect, will you tell us about these supposed miracles?

[_Boaz & Lidia]

B&L, what kinda balony did you say in Lidia's blessing to make her laugh?

Reread my post. I was giving her roommate a blessing, not Lidia.

I just remember I said things like "feareth not the darkness which befalls the earth! It is part of the of the opposition in all things! While the other side of the earth is bathed in the light of our heavenly father, our side feels the presence of the fallen son Lucifer!"

I was shocked to see a 19 year old woman acting like a six year old, and being scared of the dark.

[_Jason Bourne]

Boaz and Scottie,

I never faked a blessing. It was was only me that conveyed it. I paused occasionally for a connection. For the most part it came natural to me. I spoke things that became apparant to my soul. Almost as if it were a recollection.

I can't explain it and probably never will be able because I won't encourage a confusing Mormon God. You've read some of my accounts. I won't give blessings anymore.

Maybe you both are lucky you've never been in the presence of actual miracles. It has really messed with my mind.

With all due respect, will you tell us about these supposed miracles?

You respect nada, Brian Laundrie/PP. I hope Inconceivable ignores you.

[_Boaz & Lidia]

Boaz and Scottie,

I never faked a blessing. It was was only me that conveyed it. I paused occasionally for a connection. For the most part it came natural to me. I spoke things that became apparant to my soul. Almost as if it were a recollection.

I can't explain it and probably never will be able because I won't encourage a confusing Mormon God. You've read some of my accounts. I won't give blessings anymore.

Maybe you both are lucky you've never been in the presence of actual miracles. It has really messed with my mind.

With all due respect, will you tell us about these supposed miracles?

You respect nada, Brian Laundrie/PP. I hope Inconceivable ignores you.

Bite me.

Afraid I might examine these supposed miracles objectively?

As an example, yesterday night I came down with the flu. Probably the worst case of the flu for me over the past 10 years. I did not get up until 3:00 PM today due to how terrible I felt when my feet hit the floor this morning at 7:30am. I typically do not get sick, but when I do it does not keep me in bed. This time it did.

Lidia pointed out something that relates to this very post. She said many Mormons would seek a blessing in this case.

Now had I been a Mormon and accepted a blessing from my HTs and their pretend powers at noon, by 4 PM all of you Mormon fools would see it as nothing short of a miracle.

While I am still coughing/sneezing, my fever/chill cycle is over and all the achy feeling is gone.... ALL WITHOUT a blessing from the pretend powers of Mormons.

Again, had I been Mormon and recieved a blessing, suckers like yourself would be standing in EQ tomorrow testifying of the magical powers of the Mormon priesthood.

I remember a story related by Bob McCue a few years ago. His son had a minor surgery, I believe it was dental related. There was a complication afterward that caused a massive infection in his 14 year old son. His son's condition was critical. Being an exmo he did not give his son a blessing and turned down blessings offered by other TBMs.

Over the next week his son's condition improved drastically and he completely recovered.

Bob pointed out that had a blessing been given, it would have been credited for saving his son's life.

The point I am trying to make is how many successful blessings are simple coincidences of the natural healing process?

Additionally, when a blessing does not give the intended healing, then it is excused by saying god needed the person in heaven to do something more important.

[_Jason Bourne]

Bite me.

Sorry. I'll pass. But I would be happy to thrash you. :-)

Afraid I might examine these supposed miracles objectively?

I do not think you are capable of objectivity.



As for your examples well I have a lot of ideas about blessings, prayer, faith, etc. I would not think they are the same as many LDS persons. They certainly are not as cynical as yours are. If you could discuss such things rationally and civilly it might be interesting to discuss the topic. Seeing that civility is not part of your make up and likely never has been I think I will pass.

Carry on oh foolish one.