who needs to know?

[Guest]

I'll ask you one question at a time. What purpose is served when a woman shares her sexual history (in general) with a new partner?

I don't want to derail this thread too much... Jersey Girl -- women and men share with their partners for various reasons. There are some things that just seem like necessities -- others are merely things that are shared for intimacy. It varies.

Apparently for Harmony's daughter there is a reason she does attempt to share her past. I don't know her reasoning and I'm not going to attempt to read her mind. I've never been a victim of sexual abuse (or rape) so I have NO idea personally what my choice would be. But, I'm not going to make that choice for someone else. If she wants to talk who is anyone else to tell her not to?

[_BishopRic]

Harmony, again, I'm very sorry your daughter is dealing with this. I'm also sorry that you deal/dealt with this. I hope that if she feels compelled to talk about it that she can find a man mature enough to handle it. She may have to look outside the Church.

I concur with Mon's comments. You and your daughter are in a culture that induces these feelings of guilt and shame on its members. It is not a natural feeling -- it is learned. I'm going to relay a story about how I learned that.

About 10 years ago I spent some time in a small isolated village in the Amazon. I was there on a medical humanitarion mission. My motivation to go was to "help" them with medical care and vaccinations. What I experienced was life altering for me. Yes, we may have helped them a bit, but the observations of a society of people who have never been exposed to outside world influences...evolving on their own was fascinating! Among other things, their view of sexuality and family was totally different than anything I'd ever seen.

It was tradition for a young pubescent girl to "learn sex" from her father. It was considered appropriate, and even bonding to do this. They used very effective birth control methods and knew bearing children with close relations would produce problems, so they knew when BC was needed, but they had very open sexual relations with the men in the village. Sexuality was not even embarassing to talk about to them. Masturbation was open and encouraged as a natural and healthy process.

There was no issue of "sexual abuse" in the village of a few hundred people. There was no guilt or shame. I was shocked to learn about this, but it helped me see that our shame and guilt is a learned process. I am not advocating their lifestyle in any way, nor do I think it is a good idea. But the lesson is alarming when I look at the issues in our puritanistic culture -- obviously amplified in Mormonism.

It is indeed sad that she is viewed as "damaged goods," no matter what the abuse was. I guarantee she would not be seen that way in most non-religious cultures. I wish both of you the best in dealing with this -- I'm sure it isn't easy for either of you.

[_Jersey Girl]

I'd like to see truthdancer comment here. My answer is: no one. No one needs to know.

Nice reinforcement of abuse Jersey. I seriously doubt you are in the profession of psychology as you have mentioned before. Tell no one...yah right.

In what realm have I ever claimed to be in the profession of psychology, Merc?

The question wasn't who should one tell. Your response of "tell no one" is irrelevant to the question posed.

The actual question was "who needs to know"?

My answer is: no one.

I assume you do see the difference now. Perhaps not.

[_Jersey Girl]

I'm just going to say this one time and be done with it. It would be helpful if people would actually read the OP and read the question that was posed instead of revising the question and responding to the revision they've dreamed up.

[_Moniker]

I'm just going to say this one time and be done with it. It would be helpful if people would actually read the OP and read the question that was posed instead of revising the question and responding to the revision they've dreamed up.

I did read the OP. Then I read you saying that no one should know and replied to your comments.

The question was:

My question is... how much should she disclose? And when?

You say "no one needs to know" in response to that. So, I answer that I disagree with that. Her daughter IS talking and apparently wants SOMEONE to know -- the men she feels bonded to. She TELLS THEM then they book it. I questioned YOUR answer.

[_Jersey Girl]

This:

I did read the OP. Then I read you saying that no one should know and replied to your comments.

Is an example of exactly what I referred to above. I did NOT say that "no one should know". You are misrepresenting what I stated.

The question I responded to was "who needs to know?"

My response is: No one. No one needs to know.

I'm done with this for right now and not willing to go in never ending circles.

[_Jersey Girl]

Harmony, again, I'm very sorry your daughter is dealing with this. I'm also sorry that you deal/dealt with this. I hope that if she feels compelled to talk about it that she can find a man mature enough to handle it. She may have to look outside the Church.

I concur with Mon's comments. You and your daughter are in a culture that induces these feelings of guilt and shame on its members. It is not a natural feeling -- it is learned. I'm going to relay a story about how I learned that.

About 10 years ago I spent some time in a small isolated village in the Amazon. I was there on a medical humanitarion mission. My motivation to go was to "help" them with medical care and vaccinations. What I experienced was life altering for me. Yes, we may have helped them a bit, but the observations of a society of people who have never been exposed to outside world influences...evolving on their own was fascinating! Among other things, their view of sexuality and family was totally different than anything I'd ever seen.

It was tradition for a young pubescent girl to "learn sex" from her father. It was considered appropriate, and even bonding to do this. They used very effective birth control methods and knew bearing children with close relations would produce problems, so they knew when BC was needed, but they had very open sexual relations with the men in the village. Sexuality was not even embarassing to talk about to them. Masturbation was open and encouraged as a natural and healthy process.

There was no issue of "sexual abuse" in the village of a few hundred people. There was no guilt or shame. I was shocked to learn about this, but it helped me see that our shame and guilt is a learned process. I am not advocating their lifestyle in any way, nor do I think it is a good idea. But the lesson is alarming when I look at the issues in our puritanistic culture -- obviously amplified in Mormonism.

It is indeed sad that she is viewed as "damaged goods," no matter what the abuse was. I guarantee she would not be seen that way in most non-religious cultures. I wish both of you the best in dealing with this -- I'm sure it isn't easy for either of you.

BishopRic,

Could you address the question rasied in the OP for us? Who needs to know? I'd like to read what you have to say on the matter given your background.

[Guest]

This:

I did read the OP. Then I read you saying that no one should know and replied to your comments.

Is an example of exactly what I referred to above. I did NOT say that "no one should know". You are misrepresenting what I stated.

The question I responded to was "who needs to know?"

My response is: No one. No one needs to know.

I'm done with this for right now and not willing to go in never ending circles.

Well, I just re-read the OP and still don't see that question posed. It's in the thread title though -- so we were looking at different questions!

by the way, when you snip parts of my quote is that you misrepresenting?

[_harmony]

I'll ask you one question at a time. What purpose is served when a woman shares her sexual history (in general) with a new partner?

I don't want to derail this thread too much... Jersey Girl -- women and men share with their partners for various reasons. There are some things that just seem like necessities -- others are merely things that are shared for intimacy. It varies.

Apparently for Harmony's daughter there is a reason she does attempt to share her past. I don't know her reasoning and I'm not going to attempt to read her mind. I've never been a victim of sexual assault so I have NO idea personally what my choice would be. But, I'm not going to make that choice for someone else. If she wants to talk who is anyone else to tell her not to?

She shares because she believes in openness and honesty in a relationship. She knows she did nothing wrong. She knows she is innocent. But it is part of her past and formed many of her reactions. She has been disappointed (understatement) in the reactions of the LDS men in her life, thus far.

[_Bond...James Bond]

It's her choice (or any person's choice) to whom and what they let be known. I think letting a friend/lover/family member know one's worse episodes can help explain a person's quirks of behavior and also helps to let the other person get a bit of perspective on why a person may be weird or uneasy about a sort of behavior. But I don't think you should sit on feelings out of shame. Sometimes getting bad stuff out in the open or sharing it with someone who is willing to metaphorically bare the burden helps the victim. Airing out bad stuff helps to get it out of that shame filled corner of darkness where it can fester and hurt a person.