Translating Christian into English

[_Some Schmo]

A friend of mine sent me this, and I think it contains valuable information for understanding where Christians are coming from when speaking on message boards. It's my hope that this helps bridge the gaps between Christians and non theists on this board:


"Atheist" = Someone who believes in God, but pretends they don't because they like the idea of burning in hell for all eternity. Probably insane.

"A true Christian would never kill in the n ame of Jesus" = As long as I continue to live in a rich country, have ample food and do not fall under the sway of a radical leader I will not become violent.

"Christian" = a deluded person / someone who is right, even when they are wrong

Christian scientific method = If the facts are not consistent with the Bible, the facts are faulty, throw them out or convince yourself that they don't exist.

"Eden" = The only place on Earth where apples are not good for you.

"Evil" = Non-Christians

"Evolution" = The idea that a rock turned into animals and that monkeys gave birth to people.

Facts = see "Knowledge"

"Freedom of religion" = Christian theocracy

"Free-will" = Predestination

"God" = How I refer to the concept that represents my need to have a mommy and daddy to take care of me, even though I am now a grown adult.

"God bless you" = Go f**k yourself.

"God exists outside of time" = I don't understand the basic definition of time

"God loves you" = Go f**k yourself.

God Said It, I Believe It, That Settles It. = Bumper sticker slogan indicating complete cessation of cognitive function. Translation: I believe God said it, that settles it.

"God spoke to me" = I had an auditory hallucination

"God works in mysterious ways" = I don't know the answer to that question and, frankly, I don't care to try because it will invalidate my precious beliefs

"Have a little faith" = stop thinking for a little while

Heaven = A paradise where you are joyful every day while others melt eternally in rivers of Hell's bubbling lava

"Hell" = it is the place, reserved for those who believe differently than I, where you melt forever in bubbling lava while those in Heaven (the most loving beings that exist) are having too much fun and feeling too good to care about your well being.

"Holiness is necessity of life. without it you are dead." = I am a complete ignoramus, please disregard everything I say, as it is completely idiotic.

"I" = The personal pronoun I use to refer to myself, also the word I use most often because I am obsessed with myself. The reason I adhere to a religion that holds that I am somehow special and will live forever.

"I am in Bible college" = I am not currently attending an educational institution

"I am done talking to y'all, nothing i can say will convince you, so I'll let y'all get back to work on trying to tear down something much bigger than you." = Though I have only posted once, I am choosing to leave lest you make an intelligent counter-argument to my post, thus endangering my belief system. I would also like to state that, on the basis of no evidence whatsoever, my negative preconceptions about your non-beliefs have been confirmed.

"I don't believe we are just part of a chemical equation" = I am so incredibly arrogant that I refuse to accept the fact that I am a random result of nature and the evolutionary process. I think I'm special, so I must be!"

"I don't see your logic" = what you said does not conform to what I have been programmed to believe and therefore is illogical or invalid.

"I have proof" = I have found words in my Bible that I can interpret in such a way as to conform to what I have said

"I have read Marshall's book" = I have read the first three lines of Marshall's book

"I hold a masters in divinity from..." = I have my GED

"I prayed" = I spoke to myself

"Intelligent design" = creationism

"I refuse to believe..." = if it hurts my feelings it's not true

"I saw a miracle" = I had a visual hallucination or I attributed a coincidence to my deity

"It happened in China" = it never happened

"I think" = I feel

"I will pray for you" = I think I am better than you (this is can be implicit or explicit)

"Jesus" = Long-dead Jewish Middle Eastern hippie.

"Jesus died for you" = Can't you just believe in my fairy tale/imaginary friend?

"Just try to understand." = I know that you can't be convinced, so the only way to understand is if you're me, and you accept something with no evidence or even a coherent argument to support it.

Knowledge = Belief based on doctrine, dogma, or an interpretation of an unverifiable subjective experience.

"Masturbation" = A sin unless I think of Jesus the whole time I am doing it.

"My research" = What my pastor/priest/preacher/dream/hallucination/Bible teacher told me about the subject in question.

"Open your mind" = Believe unconditionally that whatever I say is true, and that everything else is false.

"Out of context" = not used in a way that validates my delusion

Prayer = talking to oneself / a substitute for action

Righteous = permission to persecute

Satan = the supposed "enemy" of God, whom all atheists worship and sacrifice infants to.

Satan = how an omnipotent God who has complete control over everything can get himself some plausible deniability

"Science" = what my Bible teacher / pastor / priest / dream / hallucination / personal feelings tell me is science

"Science doesn't know everything" : Science does not know everything unless I become ill or want to warm up my dinner or make dinner, or keep things cold or drive to work or travel or communicate over long distances or build a church or live comfortably in the way that I have become accustomed.

"Sin" = Whatever tribesmen thousands of years ago thought was bad, unless civilization has since done away with it, in which case it was us who made the change because of Jesus.

Slavery = Often misinterpreted as something bad, but actually means "love and hugs" in Hebrew.

Speaking in tongues = Babbling like an incoherent moron. Generally a pastor makes up definitions for the words afterwards.

"The Bible" = A fairy tale book written several centuries ago.

"The Holy Trinity" = An imaginary god and his multiple personalities/friends.

Theology = Long, drawn out arguments, designed to confuse people away from inconsistencies in the Bible.

"Theory" = Hypothesis , observations, conclusion.

"This is the argument and it is a very good one. Will you take it on? I will prove that Atheism is...." = I am about to start ranting and raving using non-sense and then claim victory.

Truth = A thing or subject about which you are so passionate that any evidence to the contrary is not necessary.

"Why does everything have to make sense to you?" = As a last resort and because I can't think of even a twisted irrational reason for some premise for god(or what the Bible says)....I make any appeal to logic and sanity seem like an unreasonable request.

"Worship the Lord" = Jump around like an idiot

"You must have faith" = You must do as I tell you

[_LifeOnaPlate]

Some were pretty funny, but I think the list would have been more effective if the author would have trimmed the fat a little and kept it a bit more concise.

[_The Nehor]

More proof that all forwarded e-mail funnies and chain letters are written by morons.

[_LifeOnaPlate]

More proof that all forwarded e-mail funnies and chain letters are written by morons.

The cancer of the Internet.

[_Some Schmo]

More proof that all forwarded e-mail funnies and chain letters are written by morons.

I might agree with this sentiment if you had said "some" email funnies, because that's often true.

But this one doesn't fit that category. It's incredibly accurate.

Are you upset that it may have hit a bit close to home? See definition for "I refuse to believe..."

[_The Nehor]

More proof that all forwarded e-mail funnies and chain letters are written by morons.

I might agree with this sentiment if you had said "some" email funnies, because that's often true.

But this one doesn't fit that category. It's incredibly accurate.

Are you upset that it may have hit a bit close to home? See definition for "I refuse to believe..."

No, none of those hit me at all. Sorry.

[_LifeOnaPlate]

More proof that all forwarded e-mail funnies and chain letters are written by morons.

I might agree with this sentiment if you had said "some" email funnies, because that's often true.

But this one doesn't fit that category. It's incredibly accurate.

Are you upset that it may have hit a bit close to home? See definition for "I refuse to believe..."

No, none of those hit me at all. Sorry.

come on, some of these are GOLD! Check this out, you can't tell me this isn't hilarious:

"Christian" = a deluded person / someone who is right, even when they are wrong

"Holiness is necessity of life. without it you are dead." = I am a complete ignoramus, please disregard everything I say, as it is completely idiotic.

"Jesus died for you" = Can't you just believe in my fairy tale/imaginary friend?

"Theory" = Hypothesis , observations, conclusion.

Just a few highlights. I think the author of the e-mail would have been more effective by including only these few examples, because after that, I just can't read through my tears of laughter.

[_The Nehor]

Just not finding it that funny. Could be that I was listening to this while reading them so too busy laughing at something else:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ojydNb3Lrrs