Do women follow the golden rule in romantic relationships?

[_truth dancer]

Hi Ajax,

If needing fairness is a bad thing, than I suppose that's right.

Yeah I think it makes life extremely difficult.

I have been for as long as I can remember. I guess fairness is how I resolve conflict, both internal and external. Do you have a better way to resolving conflict?

I'm not sure exactly what you mean here. Personally, your obsession with fairness seems to create a near adversarial relationship between a man and a woman. I don't think this is healthy for any relationship.

From what I've seen, I don't consider myself odd in that I demand fairness.

I don't think most of the world views life in this way. Again, I think it sets someone up for a really tough life.

Perhaps I'm odd in that I demand fairness in a romantic relationship. Would you agree with that?

Yes I think it is very odd.

I don't know that a relationship can be healthy when there is a tally sheet. A relationship is not a fight, a contest, or some sort of game where one partner wins and the other loses. It is not a battle where each partner scores points. It is not a court of law where some arbitrary judge (or angel) is looking to see who gets more touchdowns, or who is not working hard enough, or whatever.

To be honest this mindset is REALLY strange to me.

I think it sets up a relationship for frustration and ultimately, failure.

~dancer~

[_Sleepwalker]

Ajax, let me ask you a couple of questions. Are you in a relationship right now?

What would be your ideal type of fair relationship?

I'd really have to give that one some thought. Women and men seem so different to me that the calculations would be pretty complex.

During dating most guys felt like, If I'm in shape she should be as well, but you can't really grade it like that because most men are in better physical shape than women (at least in American Mormonism in your early 20s). Being overweight seems to hit females harder. Just like saying if I'm handsome, she should be pretty. Most men just aren't that pretty.

Yet part of my philospohy on life and religion is that there must be fairness, and everything must be considered.

that's an interesting observation - you seem to think that looks are more important than what's inside (I know it is old and cheesey but it is endless and true forever). Or maybe I am just reading it wrong. But don't you see this as a trend - women are supposed to be prettier and men smarter? which is not always true. (I knoww I am new here but I couldn't help wondering). I am a little overweight myself and I feel like my husband is not attracted to me as much as he used to because I gained weight. So you, men, really onyl notice the looks, how typical

[_Scottie]

Ajax, if I may ask, are you asking in fairness such as I mow the lawn one week, you mow the lawn the next week, we each do dishes every other meal, etc.

Or, do you look at it like, "I mow the lawn, therefore I expect you to do laundry. I maintain the cars, therefore I expect you to take the kids to soccer practice."?

In other words, is it an exact one to one fairness, or a x for y (where x and y are different tasks, but equal amounts of work)?

[_Scottie]

that's an interesting observation - you seem to think that looks are more important than what's inside (I know it is old and cheesey but it is endless and true forever). Or maybe I am just reading it wrong. But don't you see this as a trend - women are supposed to be prettier and men smarter? which is not always true. (I knoww I am new here but I couldn't help wondering). I am a little overweight myself and I feel like my husband is not attracted to me as much as he used to because I gained weight. So you, men, really onyl notice the looks, how typical

Welcome to the board, Sleepwalker!

Personally, I find the "I may be overweight, but I'm still beautiful on the inside" as a cop out. Unless you are of the minority of people who simply can not lose weight (due to genetics, medications, illness), you should lose the weight or expect to be not as attractive to your husband. I don't think it makes any man (or woman, for that matter) bad to want a fit individual. Of course it's difficult! But is it worth it? Or is it better to just sit by and complain just how shallow these disgusting men are because they can't see the inner beauty.

**Please note that I do not know your individual circumstances, Sleepwalker. This is a generic statement to all men and women alike.

***From what I have gathered from the women I work with, looks are FAR more important to a lot of women than they are to men. I have dated some women who were not ugly, but not gorgeous either. The women at work are aghast that I would date someone like that. I'm almost afraid to bring a non-gorgeous woman around my women co-workers anymore!!

[_Sleepwalker]

that's an interesting observation - you seem to think that looks are more important than what's inside (I know it is old and cheesey but it is endless and true forever). Or maybe I am just reading it wrong. But don't you see this as a trend - women are supposed to be prettier and men smarter? which is not always true. (I knoww I am new here but I couldn't help wondering). I am a little overweight myself and I feel like my husband is not attracted to me as much as he used to because I gained weight. So you, men, really onyl notice the looks, how typical

Welcome to the board, Sleepwalker!

Personally, I find the "I may be overweight, but I'm still beautiful on the inside" as a cop out. Unless you are of the minority of people who simply can not lose weight (due to genetics, medications, illness), you should lose the weight or expect to be not as attractive to your husband. I don't think it makes any man (or woman, for that matter) bad to want a fit individual. Of course it's difficult! But is it worth it? Or is it better to just sit by and complain just how shallow these disgusting men are because they can't see the inner beauty.

**Please note that I do not know your individual circumstances, Sleepwalker. This is a generic statement to all men and women alike.

***From what I have gathered from the women I work with, looks are FAR more important to a lot of women than they are to men. I have dated some women who were not ugly, but not gorgeous either. The women at work are aghast that I would date someone like that. I'm almost afraid to bring a non-gorgeous woman around my women co-workers anymore!!

Thank you Scottie. Appreciate the thought, I am with you on that - overweight is a problem but I think I was just talking about stereotypes: I am way smarter than a lot of people around me (brag-brag, sorry, couldn't help it), but it is not cool to notice that a woman is smart but it is great when she has "the looks". I was skinny and still - looks first, is it ok?

[_Scottie]

Thank you Scottie. Appreciate the thought, I am with you on that - overweight is a problem but I think I was just talking about stereotypes: I am way smarter than a lot of people around me (brag-brag, sorry, couldn't help it), but it is not cool to notice that a woman is smart but it is great when she has "the looks". I was skinny and still - looks first, is it ok?

Unfortunately, stereotypes are hard to pin down. Sometimes I think that both sexes are forever stereotypes by what they were in their early 20's.

Yes, in my early 20's, looks and a hot body were all I cared about. I married an ornery (and, quite frankly, dumb) person, but damn was she hot!

Now that I'm in my mid 30's, looks and bod are not in my top "attractiveness" calculations. Sure, they are still there, but not nearly as prevelant.

Some of you older members could probably testify that the importance of looks gets lower on the priority as we get older.

[_ajax18]

Ajax, if I may ask, are you asking in fairness such as I mow the lawn one week, you mow the lawn the next week, we each do dishes every other meal, etc.

Or, do you look at it like, "I mow the lawn, therefore I expect you to do laundry. I maintain the cars, therefore I expect you to take the kids to soccer practice."?

In other words, is it an exact one to one fairness, or a x for y (where x and y are different tasks, but equal amounts of work)?

I was still trying to figure that out. Either way, I just expect it to add up equally.

[_ajax18]

I think I've found the answer to my question. I appreciate you all sharing in my little survey.

[_Yoda]

I think I've found the answer to my question. I appreciate you all sharing in my little survey.

Are you going to share your answer with us?

:)

[_ajax18]

Thank you Scottie. Appreciate the thought, I am with you on that - overweight is a problem but I think I was just talking about stereotypes: I am way smarter than a lot of people around me (brag-brag, sorry, couldn't help it), but it is not cool to notice that a woman is smart but it is great when she has "the looks". I was skinny and still - looks first, is it ok?

Unfortunately, stereotypes are hard to pin down. Sometimes I think that both sexes are forever stereotypes by what they were in their early 20's.

Yes, in my early 20's, looks and a hot body were all I cared about. I married an ornery (and, quite frankly, dumb) person, but damn was she hot!

Now that I'm in my mid 30's, looks and bod are not in my top "attractiveness" calculations. Sure, they are still there, but not nearly as prevelant.

Some of you older members could probably testify that the importance of looks gets lower on the priority as we get older.

Was it her lack of intelligence that bothered you Scottie or was it morality (who she was on the inside)? This bothers me a lot more than lack of intelligence. I definitely value morality and the golden rule a lot more than I would looks. I'm not saying that you can always find it. It's rare. But my idea of heavan is finding a truly Christlike person.