Missionary Journal & Depression

[_Jersey Girl]

I wrote of this little thing about dealing with depression [I think Liz or someone said something or other...I'm rambling.] Let me know if anyone agrees with what I'm thinking on the subject.

http://zackc.wordpress.com/2008/06/21/d ... on-stigma/

Is it okay if we quote your piece or would you rather us just refer to it? I don't see how anyone could disagree with a single thing you wrote about.

Sure. Check it again, cause I just added a couple more paragraphs.

Okay and there was a typo. Sorry! I notice things like that!

[_Bond...James Bond]

Okay and there was a typo. Sorry! I notice things like that!

Some people [Shades] would call that a mistake. I call it character. *evil laugh*

I'll reread it tomorrow. For now the Seroquel is kicking in so....B-e-d, b-y-e....

[_Jersey Girl]

Okay and there was a typo. Sorry! I notice things like that!

Some people [Shades] would call that a mistake. I call it character. *evil laugh*

Oh stop it! Check the first word of your last full sentence. Should that be "believe" or "belief"?

[_Jersey Girl]

Bond,

First of all I still think you should save all your writing on something else besides a blog. Having said that, I think you did bring out the key issues regarding depression and what others perceive as "illness". People can't SEE depression and the depressed often hide their symptoms for various reasons. I'll probably like to comment further tomorrow about your piece but I did want to say that this here:

Having people who believe and are supportive are important, oh so important to dealing with depression, because they are instrumental in giving you some positive energy, when you only want to sit in your cocoon of negativity.

Struck an enormous chord with me. I think I had shared with you (and have often stated on boards) that about 20 years or so ago, I was diagnosed with depression and experienced that depression for about 18 months. I must say that one of the things that helped me most of all was just as you stated above: drawing positive energy from others. I remember visiting a neighbor and how important it was to observe the "normalcy" of daily life, when I had lost so much of my own.

You also stated that it's difficult to describe depression. I couldn't have possibly described it when I was depressed but, after recovering I described it as "being in a hole". Kind of like being lost down the hole of a well, where I had no voice and didn't think people even saw me.

Well, suffice it to say I found my voice again. ;-) You will too! Coming out of the "hole" was like having a near death experience and for all the time you've lost you will pour yourself into claiming your future.

I promise you that!

[_Bond...James Bond]

Okay and there was a typo. Sorry! I notice things like that!

Some people [Shades] would call that a mistake. I call it character. *evil laugh*

Oh stop it! Check the first word of your last full sentence. Should that be "believe" or "belief"?

Admittingly I wrote most of that [and am writing this] at that state where you're asleep and yet the eyes remain open, so if that's the worst then I'd say I'm doing well.

[_Jersey Girl]

Okay and there was a typo. Sorry! I notice things like that!

Some people [Shades] would call that a mistake. I call it character. *evil laugh*

Oh stop it! Check the first word of your last full sentence. Should that be "believe" or "belief"?

Admittingly I wrote most of that [and am writing this] at that state where you're asleep and yet the eyes remain open, so if that's the worst then I'd say I'm doing well.

You did yourself proud on that one!

[_Bond...James Bond]

You also stated that it's difficult to describe depression. I couldn't have possibly described it when I was depressed but, after recovering I described it as "being in a hole". Kind of like being lost down the hole of a well, where I had no voice and didn't think people even saw me.

Here's how I described it [same blog, different entry, conglomerate of a lot of entries]:

Actually looking back I didn't recognize that it was a series of cycles called days...because full on depression didn't allow me to see days. All I saw was depression, and depression equaled sadness, and I mostly just swam laps in a sea of sadness. A sea without shores. Nothing solid to gain traction or steady myself. Nothing but me and waves of dispair. Added to it was that I was doing it alone and silently, each day a new weight of depression being added to my feet as I continued mightily to fight to keep my head above the surface.....eventually I couldn't. And somedays I drowned, only to wake up to another day of the hellish fight that was my sea of sadness. Somedays were fairly calm, and I rather easily freestyled through the day. Other days hurricanes would hit me, and I could have been helming a Carnival Cruise ship and I still would have drowned. Sigh.....so I continued to fight my way through life, not really noting the days as anything more than extra weights in my own personal struggle to keep living when every cell of my body felt invaded by a disease called depression, which continued to whisper softly for me to stop living, to curl up in a ball and sleep for the eternity.

The depression knew exactly were the chinks in my armor were too.....the depression was ME. It knew the words that would raise guilt up in me for various acts....knew my inadeqacies and weaknesses and knew where exactly to stick the dagger of sadness and how best to manipulate it with a slow turn that would drive me nearly mad with sorrow and despair.....I begged for death, but it was never delivered (and I couldn't deliver it)to me. A tiny part of me always held out....and slowly that tiny part grew immune to the depression, and slowly started to grow and win back (and continues) to win back my soul and my heart and my mind and my very cells and tissues and organs from the depression that so ravaged them.....how did that happen?

[_Jersey Girl]

You also stated that it's difficult to describe depression. I couldn't have possibly described it when I was depressed but, after recovering I described it as "being in a hole". Kind of like being lost down the hole of a well, where I had no voice and didn't think people even saw me.

Here's how I described it [same blog, different entry, conglomerate of a lot of entries]:

Actually looking back I didn't recognize that it was a series of cycles called days...because full on depression didn't allow me to see days. All I saw was depression, and depression equaled sadness, and I mostly just swam laps in a sea of sadness. A sea without shores. Nothing solid to gain traction or steady myself. Nothing but me and waves of dispair. Added to it was that I was doing it alone and silently, each day a new weight of depression being added to my feet as I continued mightily to fight to keep my head above the surface.....eventually I couldn't. And somedays I drowned, only to wake up to another day of the hellish fight that was my sea of sadness. Somedays were fairly calm, and I rather easily freestyled through the day. Other days hurricanes would hit me, and I could have been helming a Carnival Cruise ship and I still would have drowned. Sigh.....so I continued to fight my way through life, not really noting the days as anything more than extra weights in my own personal struggle to keep living when every cell of my body felt invaded by a disease called depression, which continued to whisper softly for me to stop living, to curl up in a ball and sleep for the eternity.

The depression knew exactly were the chinks in my armor were too.....the depression was ME. It knew the words that would raise guilt up in me for various acts....knew my inadeqacies and weaknesses and knew where exactly to stick the dagger of sadness and how best to manipulate it with a slow turn that would drive me nearly mad with sorrow and despair.....I begged for death, but it was never delivered (and I couldn't deliver it)to me. A tiny part of me always held out....and slowly that tiny part grew immune to the depression, and slowly started to grow and win back (and continues) to win back my soul and my heart and my mind and my very cells and tissues and organs from the depression that so ravaged them.....how did that happen?

That's fully powerful, Bond. I'm going to try to describe what depression was for me as well here in a bit more detail. I've always tried to comment on depression, how it feels and all of that, at the outside chance that it would help someone "out there" reading a board. I probably won't discuss the events leading up to it though.

Thank you for sharing your writing with us. I believe it's important to you and others who read you.

[_Bond...James Bond]

That's fully powerful, Bond. I'm going to try to describe what depression was for me as well here in a bit more detail. I've always tried to comment on depression, how it feels and all of that, at the outside chance that it would help someone "out there" reading a board. I probably won't discuss the events leading up to it though.

Thank you for sharing your writing with us. I believe it's important to you and others who read you.

Feel free to read alot more [like 5064 words worth] here:

http://zackc.wordpress.com/2008/03/25/my-story/

This stuff isn't as clean as these new posts I'm writing [also I was writing them while depressed so they sorta ramble...] but they expound alot on some of the stuff I've been talking about/backstory. I guess if anyone wants to find me they can with this entry. Don't hold out for me to go "Oh no...you got me!"

Maybe I'll go and clean it up someday. Feels like a memoir in a way. I had a bunch more written as well, but well it's tooooo personal to me. But making this stuff public is important for me because it makes it real to have others read it and maybe learn a thing or two about what the disease does. Heck if it makes one person change their mind then I can deal with losing a bit of anonymity.

PS I like comments!

[_beastie]

Thanks for sharing that, bond. The one thing that your entries make clear is that one reason that the depressed person feels utterly alone (even when he/she is not alone and has support) is that it’s really not possible to describe or explain what is happening to you while it is happening. I agree that it’s likely that people who have never suffered chemical-induced depression (by chemical I mean the chemical balances in the brain, versus a circumstantial depression trigged by circumstance, like death, divorce, loss of a job) will never truly understand it. Even though I’ve never suffered from a chemical-induced depression (I had a severe circumstantial depression on my mission triggered by knocking on doors eight/ten hours a day only to have the door rudely slammed in our faces, and then face chastisement and criticism from leaders for lack of success) – I do think I have a little bit of an understanding due to having gone through so many of these with my son, before his current state of stability. And yet even I don’t really understand it – often all I could do was sit by him through the worst moments, because nothing I could say made sense to him, he couldn’t “hear” anything at that point. But truly it is an internal demon, a dragon that seems determined to kill the victim.

In addition to this, our society, in general, has little patience for negative emotions – even in completely understandable situations (like death of a loved one). Yeah, we understand that people are going to feel badly at times, but we want it to be short and preferably hidden. If it lasts “too long”, society becomes impatient and uninterested. Time to move on. Cheer up! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!! Buck up!! Geez, as if anyone suffering the particular hell of depression wouldn’t pull themselves up by their bootstraps if it were possible at all. Society seems to think people “wallow” in depression because they want to for some reason – likely the attention Bond mentioned. People who think that obviously do not understand how severe this state can be. It would be like suggesting that someone purposefully got cancer in order to win the sympathy vote….