DCP: Shocking Animal Cruelty Allegations Revealed

[_cksalmon]

Several years ago, a family pet (Buffy the Cat--no relation to the Slayer) disappeared under very mysterious circumstances. He was elderly, had cataracts in both eyes, and had clearly seen better days.

On the night in question, after having been being fed and doted on, he was let outside to roam the woods, as was his wont. He was never seen again. Not by any members of my family, at any rate.

My parents attributed his disappearance to some random denizen of our sizable coyote population. I always considered that explanation a little too pat, just a bit too clean.

I had all but forgotten about Buffy the Cat until this evening when, like a bolt from the blue, I realized I had no idea where Daniel C. Peterson was on the night of Buffy's "coyote-related" disappearance.

Naturally, I put two and two together and got Cat Stew with, most likely, red potatoes and, I assume, common Imperator carrots (though the sweet Nantes seems the obvious choice to counteract Buffy's probable gaminess).

You heard right.

Shocking new allegations have just come to light and apparently implicate Daniel C. Peterson in what amounts to pet theft and cruelty to animals. I, even I, one so personally involved in the case, was blithely unaware of these allegations—had never even heard them, until I spoke them aloud several minutes ago.

What seems clear at this point, especially given his tightlippedness regarding his whereabouts on the night in question (he has yet to even contact me about an "alibi"), is that Daniel "C." (Cat?) Peterson butchered and stewed Buffy the Cat in some sort of twisted achronological revenge attack upon me.

The butchering was presumably preceded by vivisection and presumably followed, as noted above, by poor carrot selection.

I've made my case. All I want are some answers, “Daniel.”

Where were you that night? Or, are you going to evade The Truth yet again? I ask in all sincerity. The Shakespeare Festival won't save you this time because, presumably, it's not happening right now. Nice attempt to dodge the issue, though.

[_KimberlyAnn]

Justice may be done for Buffy, yet. Don't despair! With any luck, one of Scratch's anonymous informants will tip him off as to Daniel Catstealer Peterson's whereabouts the night of Buffy's disappearance.

I think your suspicions that Daniel stole your cat are spot on, Chris, though I'm not sure he stewed Buffy. I think it's more likely that he glazed him.

KA

[_Daniel Peterson]

It's a lie.

I had nothing to do with Buffy's disappearance.

I was torturing chipmunks that night.

And I swear that FARMS paid me absolutely nothing for torturing them. I do it as a volunteer.

[_Droopy]

I was torturing chipmunks that night.

I prefer staking Democrats to the ground in the vicinity of roughly 8 or 10 large fire ant mounds and covering their naked bodies with grape jelly.

Just an inconsequential pastime.

[_Nightingale]

Be afraid, cs. Be very afraid. The man of whom you speak, yea verily "Daniel" has made, lo this very day, a statement that many far and wide do, indeed, agree has a distinctly curt tone about it, as follows:

DCP:
"I should perhaps warn Scartch, Gadianton, and Dr. Shades that my patience for this sort of thing is not quite infinite.

I'm not sure that anybody is obliged to bear with it while anonymous slanderers casually and publicly accuse him of felonious crimes."

"Daniel" does seem to travel far more than could be considered the norm (to faraway places with suspicious-sounding names). It would help your case if you could get the low-down skinny on that, just to be sure he is a viable numero uno suspect. Of course, he knows people, plenty of 'em, and I'm sure (although I don't know them from Adam) that they like cats. Ipso facto "Daniel" is clearly in the frame. He's also got that lightning rod thing going - I wouldn't be keen to have any kitty of mine hanging with fire, so to speak.

Cats like salmon. This simple fact alone goes a long way to proving "Daniel's" guilt. If he wasn't keeping Buff captive or {{gasp}} alternatively dispensing with him, BtC would be returning with alacrity to the salmon, methinks. This is a fact without question.

However, I must say that as email-listing and italic-using and Latin-writing and foreign-language-speaking not to mention [iron]-rod-like as dCatp may be, according to some people's in-the-know view of him, even he, Daniel the Mopologist, Daniel the Professor, Daniel the Editor of FROB and even {{gasp}} Daniel the member of THE DREADED SKINNY LIST would not stoop to cannabalism, fer sure. Would he?

Naw. Maybe your theory needs some refining. Does the case of the FARMS Guy and the Esteemed Kitty fall under the Limited Geography model, the Hemispheric Geography model, the Old World theory, the New World theory or...? In other words, were the Prof and the Cat ever in the same neck of the woods at the same time and did they in any way, at all, ever, co-mingle, together like? If not, your case could be hard to prove.

Does that mean, though, that DCP is innocent? The reader must decide, based on all the evidence heretofore submitted.

Even so, another model of DCP the Professor, the Mopologist, the Bishop, the Linguist, the Donut Guy, holds that if he ain't guilty in the Buffy the Cat case, he is most certainly guilty of something nefarious. And that is a fact. ;)

______

Hey cks, grueling day, Thanks for the laugh, and to everyone, don't think this little piece of craziness means I am either pro or con DCP, or anything else, as my mind is perpetually open and un-made-up on most issues. However, I do have opinions. :)

[_cksalmon]

It's a lie.

I had nothing to do with Buffy's disappearance.

I was torturing chipmunks that night.

And I swear that FARMS paid me absolutely nothing for torturing them. I do it as a volunteer.

The fact that neither of us knows the date of the ("coyote-related") slaying clearly gives the lie to your "alibi."

Nice try.

[_Daniel Peterson]

I remember that it was dark.

That should narrow the dates down quite a bit.

Heck, I seem to recall that it was a dark and stormy night.

I think your expectations are unrealistic: I torture small furry mammals most nights of the year. Why would that night have been different from all other nights?

But I swear that I didn't catnap . . . er, abduct Buffy. I've never met Buffy. Anyway, she came voluntarily. Or, in any case, that's how I would have done it if I had done it. Which I didn't. But I intend to spend the rest of my life searching for the real cat burglar, on golf courses across our great nation.

[_Ray A]

Thanks for that valuable information, CKS, but DCP has already long ago confessed to strangling neighbourhood kittens for fun and amusement. I mean, look at his avatar. Doesn't that tell you everything?

[_Jersey Girl]

I'm surprised that no one understood the sheer magnitude and severity of Daniel's admissions to late night torture of chipmunks and might we assume, squirrels, raccoons, oppossums, porcupines, voles, moles and the dreaded skunk.

Daniel essentially confessed to being responsible for the phenomena that is commonly known as "Road Kill".

Daniel's obviously been on a nationwide (possibly global) rampage! So THIS is what all his so called "trips" are about!

Every single morning of my LIFE, I pass at least 5 dead bodies in the road. Little did I know that Daniel has been "up in the night" in MY TOWN slaying what we so gullibly attribute to "Road Kill"!

My only question is how is he able to exact his spree all over the country in just one night? Is he like some magically diabolical Santa figure gone wrong?

You'll NEVER live this down, Peterson!!

(I mean it this time!)

p.s. Don't say you weren't warned!

[_GoodK]

I remember that it was dark.

That should narrow the dates down quite a bit.

Heck, I seem to recall that it was a dark and stormy night.

I think your expectations are unrealistic: I torture small furry mammals most nights of the year. Why would that night have been different from all other nights?

But I swear that I didn't catnap . . . er, abduct Buffy. I've never met Buffy. Anyway, she came voluntarily. Or, in any case, that's how I would have done it if I had done it. Which I didn't. But I intend to spend the rest of my life searching for the real cat burglar, on golf courses across our great nation.

The question is-- did you talk about it on Skinny-L?

Truly a watershed moment.