BYU and the "Strategic" Use of Alcohol

[_JustMe]

Exactly! Can you believe that? What kind of weird world are we really in? Oh, did you hear the latest? I have this on good authoity from someone somewhere, I just know it (that warm fuzzy feeling in my bosom works so damn well, it's just awesome! Liahona schmee-a-hona! I need not that silly fake thing for my guide, for I have my feelings, and they can't be hurt!). At BYU they actually sleep in bunk beds... and those on the lower bunk put out banananananana peels out on the floors so when the dude or chick gets out of bed and jumps down, they immediately slip, and bang their heads on the floor, and it is this..... it is this moment from which a testimony is born. Because now that they are brain dead (trust me on this one, oh please do trust me - would I lie about something so significant as this disclosure of diamond truth?), it is the church's instructions and those on the lower bunks are paid bananaologists! They make so much dough they actually buy the banana islands to keep the flow of bananas into BYU to continue causing brain death, so that the students are easy to control, and cannot nay will not use their brains. And besides, if that doesn't work, truly, they simply take them into the medical school at the university and give em a lobotomy. Want proof? I heard that Mr. Scratch attended BYU! I heard it from a former girlfriend of mine. And she bore me her sacred testimony that her information was true. The very existence of Mr. Scratch is proof that BYU performs lobotomies on all its students.

Ray
I bear testimony that everything Just Me Just Wrote is TRUE!

You wouldn't be bearing false testosteronemony would you? I hear that this gets you into the Telestial kingdom. In fact, I heard once years ago from the angel Macaroni that cheesy testimonies are not even allowed in the Terrestrial. I also heard from my neighbor that her neighbors neighbors husband was in double dutch for eating too much of his macaroni and cheese dinners, and therefore his testosteronemony is phony.

[_The Dude]

If I recall correctly, Scott Woodward in the Microbiology department had a coffee pot in his office to serve non-LDS colleagues. In my mind this was simply a collegial gesture and not any sort of institutional hypocrisy. I have no problem with it.

[_Trevor]

Your wisdom shines through, as usual, Trev. Droopy's genius must have rubbed off on you (no other explanation).

'Tis but a pale reflection of Droopy's glory, I'm afraid.

Since my mirthless, liberal ways include being a rabid anti-Mormon - it's a big ask, Trev. Alcohol I can give up, but not even a five year detox at RFM will cure my addiction to anti-Mormonism. Can't you feel the hate in this post? If not, let me know and I'll go on LDS.org to fuel some real anger, or maybe even email collegeterrace for some tips.

Ray, no one is beyond hope. Even a wrath-filled, liberal bigot like yourself. First of all, you have gotten all tangled up over this hate thing. Stop! Recognize that it's not the hating that is wrong. Where you aim that hatred makes all the difference in the world. What you need to do is re-channel that hatred in the appropriate directions. Say, "I hate myself for being an anti-Mormon bigot." Or, "I hate the fact that I am a liberal swine from a liberal good-for-nothing country." Once you appropriately hate these things about yourself, you can move to the root causes of your hatred: "I hate America's Democratic Party," "I hate the liberal media in America," "I hate socialized medicine," "I hate Mormons who are Democrats and yet think they are good Mormons because they are really anti-Mormons who are dragging the rest of the good Mormons down," and the like.

In the next stage you can start to profess your core hates. You can say, "I hate everything that Michael Savage, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter hate, because they hate them."

You may ask why I have focused on American things as opposed to Australian, but remember that by now you should have hated yourself out of Australia and come to the only country where a person can be self-respecting, free, and right: The United States of America.

[_Angus McAwesome]

So BYU faculty understanding that some guests they might have come to the university might not share the LDS views on alcohol and either keeping alcoholic beverages on hand or purchasing them before such guest arrive so their guests can partake is proof of what... Good hospitality?

[_Trevor]

If I recall correctly, Scott Woodward in the Microbiology department had a coffee pot in his office to serve non-LDS colleagues. In my mind this was simply a collegial gesture and not any sort of institutional hypocrisy. I have no problem with it.

My letter to the Brethren has been sent. Thanks for the information. With any luck, we'll have this Judas fired by the end of the week.

[_Jersey Girl]

So BYU faculty understanding that some guests they might have come to the university might not share the LDS views on alcohol and either keeping alcoholic beverages on hand or purchasing them before such guest arrive so their guests can partake is proof of what... Good hospitality?

Look. Keep your strategic use of a brain to yourself, Angus. Thinking is frowned on around these parts.

[_JustMe]

If I recall correctly, Scott Woodward in the Microbiology department had a coffee pot in his office to serve non-LDS colleagues. In my mind this was simply a collegial gesture and not any sort of institutional hypocrisy. I have no problem with it.

Oh that's nuthin man! I Heard that Stephen D. Ricks has a secret wine cabinet in his lower desk drawer on the right and side. I have also heard from a reliable source that John Tvedtnes has a secret chamber in his basement with a combination lock sealing it (the combination is "Mormans B dum") because he shares mara - G - wanna with his collegues! And.....and I have heard that Daniel C. Peterson is secretly a lobbyist for polygamy in Washington D.C.! I heard just yesterday that John Gee's Egyptology degree was from some unknown university "Hale" I think it was, and in order to sneak him in under the radar they changed the "H" to a "Y", and PAID RITNER OFF TO KEEP IT QUIET! And it was tithing funds. Tithing funds I tells ya! How do I know this? Well the other day sitting in the coffee shop sipping my coff.....er I mean my Coke, yeah that's it, I really don't drink coffee in a coffee shop, hee, hee.... I overheard a conversation from two little old bitties (one of them being Mr. Scratch's mother (can I possibly get an higher authority than this?!) who told the other dame sitting by her ( I think something is fishy and suspicious here, two ladies together?! Hanky panky anyone? I think that possibility is a distinct reality actually), that the reason FARMS changed their name to the Neal A. Maxwell Institute is because Mrs. Scratch (that'd be Scratch's mother, not his wife. So far as I know I am not sure Scratch is married.... uh-oh, can we postulate that this means he is actually homosexual? I mean if he's not married, perhaps he has a thing for the guys you know...... I can't help but think this kind of objective thinking can actually help us discover the truth in this instance). Anyway where was I? Oh that's right, Mrs Scratch was saying that Neal A. Maxwell was actually jealous of Daniel C. Peterson's scholarly accomplishments and he threatened to pull the plug from FARMS if they did not honor him! So they caved into public pressure because in Maxwell's very last General Conference talk, it was secretly coded to say "Peterson is Butthead." I MEan I have so much more! I cold tell you so much more that I have heard from real people about real issues!

[_Yoda]

So BYU faculty understanding that some guests they might have come to the university might not share the LDS views on alcohol and either keeping alcoholic beverages on hand or purchasing them before such guest arrive so their guests can partake is proof of what... Good hospitality?

YES!!!!! Exactly!!!

Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it marvelous?

;)

[_The Dude]

With any luck, we'll have this Judas fired by the end of the week.

He doesn't work there anymore. I don't think it had anything to do with word of wisdom violations, though. I mean he was a bishop for a while, just like DCP.

[_Ray A]

'Tis but a pale reflection of Droopy's glory, I'm afraid.

Your modesty shines through, Trev, another of Droopy's wonderful traits. Do you ever think for yourself? Mimic!

Ray, no one is beyond hope. Even a wrath-filled, liberal bigot like yourself. First of all, you have gotten all tangled up over this hate thing. Stop! Recognize that it's not the hating that is wrong. Where you aim that hatred makes all the difference in the world. What you need to do is re-channel that hatred in the appropriate directions. Say, "I hate myself for being an anti-Mormon bigot." Or, "I hate the fact that I am a liberal swine from a liberal good-for-nothing country." Once you appropriately hate these things about yourself, you can move to the root causes of your hatred: "I hate America's Democratic Party," "I hate the liberal media in America," "I hate socialized medicine," "I hate Mormons who are Democrats and yet think they are good Mormons because they are really anti-Mormons who are dragging the rest of the good Mormons down," and the like.

Okay, that sounds feasible, but don't ask me to say I hate Vegemite!. All the rest is fine. If you ask me to hate Vegemite then suicide by choking on fairy floss will be my only option.

In the next stage you can start to profess your core hates. You can say, "I hate everything that Michael Savage, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter hate, because they hate them."

That should not be difficult. Do they like Vegemite? Probably not. Enough reason to hate them.

You may ask why I have focused on American things as opposed to Australian, but remember that by now you should have hated yourself out of Australia and come to the only country where a person can be self-respecting, free, and right: The United States of America.

Oh, say, before I was blind, now I can SEE! Of course, you're a Droopy-influenced genius, Trev. All my problems will be solved, and I will be reborn in the Right-wing image of - Droopy. I always wanted to be like you, Trev. When do we start burning dole bludgers?