Religious humor

[_Gazelam]

I just read this joke from Albert Brooks and thought it was cute....



St. Peter wants to take an hour off of guarding the Pearly Gates, and he needs to go do something, so he asks Jesus Christ to fill in for him.

And Jesus says, "I've never done this before."

St.Peter says, "It's easy. Just stand here. If anybody shows up, find out who they are, look them up in the Book of Life and let em' in. Probably nobody will show up in the hour I'm gone anyway."

So Jesus is sitting there. An old man shows up. Jesus says, "Can I have your name?"

The old man says, "I don't remember my name."

Jesus says "OK, where are you from?"

The old guy says, "I don't really remember."

Jesus says, "Well gee. You're gonna have to remember something, 'cause I'm gonna have to look you up in the Book of Life. You don't remember anything?"

The old man says, "Well I remember I was a carpenter. And I remember that I had a son who was known and loved throughout the world from the time he was born."

And Jesus looks at him, and a tear starts in Jesus' eye. And he says to the old man, "Father?"

And the old man says, "Pinocchio?"
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[_Jersey Girl]

Oh Gaz!!!

ROTFL!!!!

[_collegeterrace]

Where are the handshakes and new names?

I am appalled at this!

[_CaliforniaKid]

haha! Nice.

[_Ray A]

Seen in a Church News bulletin:

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

[_Ray A]

Children's religious humour:

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."


Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

[_Gazelam]

[_Gazelam]

I found some funny ones from Emo Philips :

1) Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


2) When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

3) "So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

4) A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

[_Gazelam]

What Religion Is Your Bra?


A man walked into the ladies' department of a store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquired the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she indicated a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually," said the saleslady, "Even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple ...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
And the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

[_Gazelam]

Then there's the one about the insomniac agnostic with dyslexia who stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.