Calling 2thinkers.

[_JonasS]

Hey, ok I posted a thread that I might want to throw up in the morning when I realise the seriousness of what I have done. So you should check it out quickly. I will save a copy somewhere. Maybe one day I will be brave and compile all the things I have wrote in private and public discussion and publish it perhaps under a different name.

Jersey Girl, I respect what you said about my writing and thank you. But, if you haven't noticed, my writing is only respectable when I am feeling emotion. When I have feelings. Like someone once said, my grammar is amost perfect when I "get my jack up", or something like that. My writing is totally different when I am upset as is my sentence structure. I almost gave up the challenge you set me because I found it so incredibly difficult. I couldn't do it. It just didn't feel of anything because no feeling was going into it. I was trying to collaborate memories without feeling. The second part is full of feeling as I cried through writing the whole thing, and I could write more, much more, but it is already a short story.

It is totally uncensored. I have talked mainly on one subject which is why I might need to delete it soon because I will be sick when I realise what I have done. And my guts will churn. I don't feel it right now because my family are in bed and I have a strange sense of emotion thing in that I often don't have any so yeah.

I think I ate all my marsh mallows. Dang it.

Anyway. Do tell me what you think, about my grammar and the questions I have put in there.

Thanks.

Jersey Girl, I am thinking about printing off some of our private emails and some things to take with me to Dr shiny shoes. Maybe writing about it more formally will help me and others.

I am just scared to.

[Tator]

Jonas,

It's been so long since I posted at 2think I no longer have my password and have a different email now so can't retrieve it, so I figured I would just respond here.

I'm so sorry you had a traumatic childhood. It feels like it was "normal" to you, but it was filled with abuse and fear. I wish I could say something wise or reassuring, but I think working out these issues and learning to trust will take a lot of time and counseling. But you are headed in the right direction. Trying to face these things and sort them through is incredibly brave. Many people just hide from past issues in various ways, because they're too afraid to deal with the inner demons. The fact that you're brave enough to face it all probably means that, eventually, you will work it out and create a better life as an adult than you had as a child.

[_JonasS]

I'm so not having a good day. I usually try to keep my personal past off of MDb because most people here don't like me so I really don't care that they don't understand me. I also have fears.

Thanks for your response. I didn't think anyone other than Jersey Girl, JAK and marg knew what I was talking about.

[_Blixa]

I like you pirate. I think you are bright and curious about the world. I think you enjoy the way that uni is opening up new things for you, new outlooks. I expect you are an interesting student to work with.

I don't want to talk about specific things here (I read the post you wrote about), but please know that there are many people who can relate to many of your experiences. The powerlessness of children is one of the great miseries of the world. Those who take advantage of their natural dependence are cruel and damaged. And its so easy to do so much harm so quickly. Problems at home carry over into school, another institution with built-in, easily abused relations of power and a culture of bullying. I, too, don't want to talk about very personal issues here, but I will say that I suffered some extreme bullying at school from grade school through junior high: well beyond the usual years of school yard taunts. These are still painful memories and these experiences have had lasting impact. It took me a long time to realize I wasn't some kind of deformed "monster."

Things can and do get better, pirate. The enormous changes life can bring are awfully hard to see at your age (at least they were for me). You're already working on making better years for yourself. I think you're on the right track...

[_JonasS]

I once was curious, I was so excited about going to Uni. But all it has done is made me realise how much at a loss I really am and how far behind I am. I don't enjoy learning anymore. I once wanted to know everything I could possibly learn. But I have been drained of all those desires.

I wish there were just some magic healing cream that would just eaze everything I feel and think. Then I will really be what people think I am.

[_Blixa]

This always helped me, pirate. It's T. H. White from The Once and Future King. It still helps:


“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlyn..."is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then---to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the thing for you. Look at what a lot of things there are to learn---pure science, the only purity there is. You can learn astronomy in a lifetime, natural history in three, literature in six. And then, after you have exhausted a millard lifetimes in biology and medicine and theocriticism and geography and history and economics---why then you can start to make a cartwheel out of the appropriate wood, or spend fifty years learning to begin to learn how to beat your adversary at fencing. After that you can start again on mathematics, until it is time to learn to plough.”

[_Jersey Girl]

Hi Nicky,

I'm sorry that I wasn't here when you wanted to contact me. I was off on a trip and away from computers. I read it and it looks like you edited it.

You say you feel scared. What scares you about it?

Jersey Girl
:-)

[_JonasS]

Scared that someone I don't want reading it will read it. Someone I know. I don't know why, it just makes me feel uneasy.

[_beastie]

I don't want to talk about specific things here (I read the post you wrote about), but please know that there are many people who can relate to many of your experiences. The powerlessness of children is one of the great miseries of the world. Those who take advantage of their natural dependence are cruel and damaged. And its so easy to do so much harm so quickly. Problems at home carry over into school, another institution with built-in, easily abused relations of power and a culture of bullying. I, too, don't want to talk about very personal issues here, but I will say that I suffered some extreme bullying at school from grade school through junior high: well beyond the usual years of school yard taunts. These are still painful memories and these experiences have had lasting impact. It took me a long time to realize I wasn't some kind of deformed "monster."

My oldest son has the same struggles. He was also taunted and teased from fourth grade on. He was "different" - very bright, more comfortable with adults than children, and used advanced vocabulary that probably intimidated his peers. He tells me that the emotional wounds this bullying and teasing caused are actually harder to deal with than the emotional wounds having a mentally unstable and often verbally abusive father caused. He's still dealing with it through therapy. While he hid much of this from me, I did know about some instances, and intervened the best way I knew how - I had him removed from one horrible situation by transferring schools altogether. But the only way I could have protected him altogether, had he told me everything, would have been to homeschool him, which I could not do due to needing to work.

The cruelty of children can be astounding. As an educator, I try to stop it the best I can, but they are so sly and sneaky with this particular behavior that it often goes undetected by adults. And the kids know this - they know adults are often powerless to stop it.


The powerlessness of children is one of the great miseries of the world.

Quoted For Truth.

[_JonasS]

I can understand that. I found school harder than home even though things were worse at home. I think it's because you know what to expect at home, but school is different; You don't know what is going to happen to you or who is going to give you a hard time. I guess in some ways I was lucky because the majority of people were tha same. Most people just didn't get in because I imagined myself in a bell jar of positive music when I walked. But it was the people that pretended to be my friends that screwed with me the most.

Some schools don't care what happens as long as it doesn't affect their reputation. I went with a friend to my first primary school a few years ago, I was scared to go into the canteen, it was exactly the same so I insisted I would stand in the doorway whilst my friend went to speak to the headmaster. He came over to talk to me and said he didn't remember me. He did remember me. He asked why I left and I said because I was bullied. He said that bullying doesn't happen in his school. Bullying happens in every school. I actually left because a teacher was bullying me in some sense. Schools deny to themselves that there is a problem, but there is and there always will be. School is a place where developing young people want to fit in. They don't often understand what they are doing to people. It's like a big game. Survival of the fittest as such, but really survival of the one that follows the crowd.

I was once on the other side, for about 2 minutes. I beat a girl up, for personal reasons and that she was pushing me around and I expected different of her. I went to far. People gathered around and cheered me on and told me to hit her again. I was angry and upset and the people around me didn't matter until I heard them and could hear them coaching me on. that's what people did when someone would beat me up. Whether for personal reasons or not, me continuing with their coaching me on is worse than what people did to me. I had an issue with the girl but that was no one else's business and I did get a bt carried away in my anger. I didn't want to be part of what they were, so I helped her up and walked her home.
I apologised later and we made up.

The reason I was so upset with her was because like me she was bullied. She was in some way related to me. But there was this other girl. A girl that even though she can't beat me in a fight, I still have nightmares about. This girl wanted to be my friend so I hung out with her. But after a while she made my life a living hell. She would be my friend and then the next minute she would just attack me, or say I said or did something and start a fight. Then she would apologise and ask to be friends again. For a while I believed her. She screwed with my brain so bad. One day I said no when she asked if we could be friends again. Then it became the point where every time she saw me she attacked me. No matter where I was or who was there. And we would fight. She came into school crying telling people I did something. One day I walked in the library and I saw her crying and people glared at me and I just turned to walk back out, I wasn't fast enough. She claimed that I told every one at school that her mum had cancer. I didn't know anything about this. She made up reasons to take her anger and emotions out on me. Eventually she was expelled. She was told that if she gets into one more fight with me so will be expelled. But she just couldn't help herself. She never won but told people she did. Eventually people started to see her for who she was and would come to me and tell me she is coming and to go the other way, these are people that bullied me telling me to go the other way. I didn't understand. So the day she got expelled she started on me and we fought then she went smashing school windows. But anyway, in amongst this crap I got. My friend who was bullied too and my 3rd cousin or something one day sat at the other side of the room with these girls. But I was not too bothered really. But she started calling me names too and laughing with the girls at me. It hurt especially when the same girls did the same to her. These girls aren't even plastics. The plastics were the nice ones. These are scummy chavs. So I let it go. I understood that she just wanted to feel like she fitted in. Don't we all? I never tried to fit in. I knew that that wasn't real and it's not like I ever felt what it was like to fit in, not really (at that time in my life). Sure it would have been nice to have been liked. So although it upset me that I was alone and she did that, it was ok because I understood. Then we left the class. I just ignored her and she followed after me, pushing me around and pushing me when I was on the stairs. I left it and just kept walking. If the other girl pushed me around like that I would have fought her there and then because she wouldn't ever stop. But my friend pushing me around hurt. I didn't like it so I got angry, when we were out of school and she with a croud of people following me I just beat her up.

I felt so bad about that for a long time, even up until last year.

I rambled, sorry lol.