Calling 2thinkers.
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
Nicky,
It is like I have told you so many times. It takes enormous strength to recognize and acknowledge yourself in the context of your life. When you write about these things, I visualize you standing up and saying,
"This is the truth of me. This is why I am and who I am. This is what makes me, me. I will learn, I will grow, and I will be more than who they made me feel I was."
You have within your grasp, the power to achieve. What shaped you in your early life was only the beginning of who you were destined to be. Take the things you are writing about and use them to understand how they connect to who you are right now. Look at the external chaos and how it accounts for the internal chaos. Look at where you came from and where you are now.
Realize that you have come miles and that you have miles yet to go.
The most important part of the journey is not where you stand or who you think you are right now. It is found in the "going" and the courage that it takes to move forward.
:-)
It is like I have told you so many times. It takes enormous strength to recognize and acknowledge yourself in the context of your life. When you write about these things, I visualize you standing up and saying,
"This is the truth of me. This is why I am and who I am. This is what makes me, me. I will learn, I will grow, and I will be more than who they made me feel I was."
You have within your grasp, the power to achieve. What shaped you in your early life was only the beginning of who you were destined to be. Take the things you are writing about and use them to understand how they connect to who you are right now. Look at the external chaos and how it accounts for the internal chaos. Look at where you came from and where you are now.
Realize that you have come miles and that you have miles yet to go.
The most important part of the journey is not where you stand or who you think you are right now. It is found in the "going" and the courage that it takes to move forward.
:-)
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
Chinese Proverb
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
beastie: 2think is on the 4th format from when you posted there, so your registration/password would need to be newly created if you wanted to comment on her thread. If you decide to do that, you will see that I created a thread just for comments so that she could have her thread exclusively for her own purposes.
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
Chinese Proverb
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
JonasS wrote:I'm so not having a good day. I usually try to keep my personal past off of MDb because most people here don't like me so I really don't care that they don't understand me. I also have fears.
Thanks for your response. I didn't think anyone other than Jersey Girl, JAK and marg knew what I was talking about.
I like you on this board although I don't know how many people here like me. The thing I like most is how well you think outside of the box--something I try to do too, but am not nearly as good at as you are. In fact, I believe that thinking outside of the box is a very valuable skill in today's society where computers can do most of the gruntwork of memorizing and following orders. It takes talent to be creative.
I too was bullied from when I was about 6 until I was 15. No adults would help me except my own parents. Bullying hurt me more than anything else during my childhood.
There are many times I appeared to be dumb in school. I would often fall behind on assignments and I wasn't always the most logical thinker. Yet it would have been foolish for school to give up on me. In education I was lucky. Even though teachers did not help me much to stop being bullied, they did help me with learning. I hated some subjects such as history, English, and arithmetic. Yet even though I appeared to be dumb in many ways, because they didn't give up on me I was able to show talents in maths. I ended up not only as one of the top math students in my classes in high school, but as one of the top math students in my state. This despite the fact that one IQ test I took gave me a score of either 80 or 85 (I can't remember which).
Don't let anyone tell you can't do school or that you're too dumb. You seem far too creative to be truly dumb. School was hard work for me much of the time. I had to learn tricks in order to make it. I personally used mneumonics to get through history and English since I am not very good at those subjects. The mneumonics book I used was called The Memory Book which taught me how to memorize numbers, names, and other important things for examinations.
That's General Leo. He could be my friend if he weren't my enemy.
eritis sicut dii
I support NCMO
eritis sicut dii
I support NCMO
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
JonasS wrote:Scared that someone I don't want reading it will read it. Someone I know. I don't know why, it just makes me feel uneasy.
What do you think would happen if someone you knew read it?
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
Chinese Proverb
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
I posted a reply not so long ago and it seems to be gone.
Jersey Girl, There is the part that is scared that my fmily will get into my head and see who I am and I don't know who I am. Like there are somethings I want to keep to myself. I will pm you the post that I edited. I have a copy. It's like a fear and I don't know what it is or why I have it. I just can't talk about certain things. Almost like I am not allowed to have problems.
Jersey Girl, There is the part that is scared that my fmily will get into my head and see who I am and I don't know who I am. Like there are somethings I want to keep to myself. I will pm you the post that I edited. I have a copy. It's like a fear and I don't know what it is or why I have it. I just can't talk about certain things. Almost like I am not allowed to have problems.
"HOW DARE YOU KEEP US WAITING!!!!! I demand you post right this very instant or I'll... I'll... I'll hold my breath until I slump over and bang my head against the keyboard resulting in me posting something along the lines of "SR Wphgohbrfg76hou7wbn.xdf87e4iubnaelghe45auhnea4iunh eb9uih t4e9h eibn z"! "-- Angus McAwesome (Jul 21/08 11:51 pm)
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
Jersey Girl, There is the part that is scared that my fmily will get into my head and see who I am and I don't know who I am. Like there are somethings I want to keep to myself. I will pm you the post that I edited. I have a copy. It's like a fear and I don't know what it is or why I have it. I just can't talk about certain things. Almost like I am not allowed to have problems.
This is often true in abusive or dysfunctional families. The family is so preoccupied dealing with The Problem (the abusive or addicted member) that they don't have the wherewithal to recognize, much less deal with, other problems. Everyone else is supposed to put on a happy face in order to not rock the boat even more.
I think this dynamic hurt my bullied son. His younger brother, like his father, was diagnosed with bipolar, and was very ill for years until we finally worked out his meds. During that time, my oldest son felt like I couldn't deal with yet one more problem when he knew I was, at times, literally worried about his brother making it through the night alive. So he buried his problems, tried to deal with them on his own - which was really just escaping them through video games. He's now, as a 23 year old, facing the problems through therapy. I wanted him to get therapy in his teens, like his brother was for his bipolar, but he just wouldn't do it. I don't think he was ready to try and deal with these demons. It was still easier to escape them. That's why I say being willing to face the demons, in all their frightening glory, takes quite a bit of bravery. I hope you can feel good about your own courage.
We hate to seem like we don’t trust every nut with a story, but there’s evidence we can point to, and dance while shouting taunting phrases.
Penn & Teller
http://www.mormonmesoamerica.com
Penn & Teller
http://www.mormonmesoamerica.com
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
beastie: 2think is on the 4th format from when you posted there, so your registration/password would need to be newly created if you wanted to comment on her thread. If you decide to do that, you will see that I created a thread just for comments so that she could have her thread exclusively for her own purposes.
Thanks, Jersey Girl, I'll consider it. I'm at the point, though, where I'm trying to pull away from boards in general, not add on another one. ;)
We hate to seem like we don’t trust every nut with a story, but there’s evidence we can point to, and dance while shouting taunting phrases.
Penn & Teller
http://www.mormonmesoamerica.com
Penn & Teller
http://www.mormonmesoamerica.com
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
I totally understand. All of my brothers have issues. But at the time growing up, we were all too busy just trying to survive. When my dad was out we spent time together enjoying the freshness before he came back in. But after we left it was like the problems came with us. My oldest brother chose to stay behind. He didn't want to take sides. But things didn't turn out how we had hoped. My brothers became somewhat like my dad. Things are a lot better now, but can be difficult at times. My dad found us and we ran away again then lots of things happened which resulted in my dad getting a restraining order following his trying to kill us stunt. SO for a long while we lived in fear because he threatened to come get us. But when it was over my brother began abusing us and when he left my other brother took off where he left off then there was a point where my other brothers girlfriend was causing serious troubles (she beats my brother and neglects her children, totally not right in the head) then my little brother was off on one again, then he went to stay with my dad until he learned that what we said about my dad was true. He was young and never saw much and my dad didn't treat him the same as he did us. So he had to see for himself. Then he came back with respect. Every now and then he can't control his anger but he is much much better now.
So all m brothers have anger problems, whereas I am the quiet one. But only because I was dissociated quite heavily. Problems never meant anything to me. I seemed to survive everything and anything, but was able to understand everything people felt and why people acted the way they did. i could understand why my brother wanted to hurt me. And I respected that. even though he may not have been just in his desires, I knew he had a lot of anger in him. So I didn't have a problem with anything for a long while. It was coming to Uni tat everything really changed. I did begin getting anxiety before when my older brother was abusing us. Which escaladed. But I have alwasy had this need to keep things to myself. I am also a hoarder. I fear throwing out paper and usually have to challenge myself then tell myself that I am proud of myself and make myself feel good about it, otherwise I will feel bad. I also have to tear everything before I put it in a bin bag otherwise I will try to get it back out at a later time if I haven't put it out with the trash. I think the need to be private has got worse. My brother gives me very little privacy and for a long time I had no privacy whatso ever. I don't even have a bedroom door on hinges. I sit it in place and that's it. My brother liked to attack my door when he was angry.
It would seem more people have crappy lives than I thought.
So all m brothers have anger problems, whereas I am the quiet one. But only because I was dissociated quite heavily. Problems never meant anything to me. I seemed to survive everything and anything, but was able to understand everything people felt and why people acted the way they did. i could understand why my brother wanted to hurt me. And I respected that. even though he may not have been just in his desires, I knew he had a lot of anger in him. So I didn't have a problem with anything for a long while. It was coming to Uni tat everything really changed. I did begin getting anxiety before when my older brother was abusing us. Which escaladed. But I have alwasy had this need to keep things to myself. I am also a hoarder. I fear throwing out paper and usually have to challenge myself then tell myself that I am proud of myself and make myself feel good about it, otherwise I will feel bad. I also have to tear everything before I put it in a bin bag otherwise I will try to get it back out at a later time if I haven't put it out with the trash. I think the need to be private has got worse. My brother gives me very little privacy and for a long time I had no privacy whatso ever. I don't even have a bedroom door on hinges. I sit it in place and that's it. My brother liked to attack my door when he was angry.
It would seem more people have crappy lives than I thought.
"HOW DARE YOU KEEP US WAITING!!!!! I demand you post right this very instant or I'll... I'll... I'll hold my breath until I slump over and bang my head against the keyboard resulting in me posting something along the lines of "SR Wphgohbrfg76hou7wbn.xdf87e4iubnaelghe45auhnea4iunh eb9uih t4e9h eibn z"! "-- Angus McAwesome (Jul 21/08 11:51 pm)
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
Just a quick note to say I hope you're feeling a bit better, pirate. I've been thinking about you all week. If I were in Hull I would give you a big hug (and a reading list---can't help it, I'm a teacher!).
From the Ernest L. Wilkinson Diaries: "ELW dreams he's spattered w/ grease. Hundreds steal his greasy pants."
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Re: Calling 2thinkers.
I'm going to start commenting now.
I love the phrasing you used in the part that I underlined. "The freshness" ...of anxiety and uncertainty lifted off the family. Freedom.
Maybe the thought of change frightened him.
He was their role model.
Your brothers learned the behavior from your Dad. As negative as it seems, he was their role model who taught them powerful lessons on how to behave and how to express anger as men. They have to travel their own journey, Nicky. Hopefully they will end up in a place where they realize that the behavior doesn't work to bring them satisfaction. They will likely lose their relationships as your Dad lost his.
Your ability to "shut down" and detach is what made you survive. I can only imagine how often you needed to do this in just one day or one week. When under great stress, a "flight or fight" instinct kicks in. You self protected by mentally leaving the situation and you did it over and over again. Think about the things you wrote here and the things that you wrote to me privately. Print it out and underline all of the stressors that you see. In each of those instances (and all of the instances that you haven't written down) you removed yourself by detaching. What I hoped that you would see in writing these things down and viewing them from an "afteward" perspective is that your development was interrupted repeatedly during your early years. Your inability to concentrate for long periods is connected to that. Your uneasiness in social situations is connected to that. Your "randomness" is connected to that. It is what has made you be who you are.
I also wanted you to consider what you're doing right now in your life, the goals you have shared with us on 2think and realize, Nicky, that you are one who is emerging from the past and moving forward with great strength and courage. You are intelligent, strong and driven to learn.
I want you to look into post traumatic stress disorder with your Dr. Shiny Shoes. :-)
I'm not a therapist, but I think you display all the symptoms of that disorder and I think that if you were to be diagnosed with it (or whatever determination is made) that you could recognize that you lived through a war, Nicky, and that you survived it. And that since you had the personal power to develop coping strategies back then in order to survive it, that you have it in you to intentionally develop new coping strategies that will help you to secure your future. :-)
Intentionality means everything to you and your future. You can intentionally choose portions of yourself and your life to work on. For example, the key to your future success and survival is your studies at Uni. With help from Dr. Shiny Shoes, you can sort out the areas of your life and yourself that you feel are not fully developed. Once you identify those, you can separate those out along with ways to develop them. Start small...think big!
That's not a huge deal. I hope you've shared it with Dr. Shiny Shoes because it is an important symptom.
Take a photo of your door and take it to the local hardware store that sells hinges. Show it to the clerks and ask them to get you what type of hinges you need and the type of screw driver that you need to install them. Then GO DO IT and get yourself a door, hon. :-) You can find "do it yourself" videos on You Tube. Try the videos by "Eric Stromer" for installing doors.
Yes, they do and you can emerge from crap and move forward. You already are.
Love you,
Jersey
JonasS wrote:I totally understand. All of my brothers have issues. But at the time growing up, we were all too busy just trying to survive. When my dad was out we spent time together enjoying the freshness before he came back in.
I love the phrasing you used in the part that I underlined. "The freshness" ...of anxiety and uncertainty lifted off the family. Freedom.
But after we left it was like the problems came with us. My oldest brother chose to stay behind. He didn't want to take sides. But things didn't turn out how we had hoped.
Maybe the thought of change frightened him.
My brothers became somewhat like my dad.
He was their role model.
Things are a lot better now, but can be difficult at times. My dad found us and we ran away again then lots of things happened which resulted in my dad getting a restraining order following his trying to kill us stunt. SO for a long while we lived in fear because he threatened to come get us. But when it was over my brother began abusing us and when he left my other brother took off where he left off then there was a point where my other brothers girlfriend was causing serious troubles (she beats my brother and neglects her children, totally not right in the head) then my little brother was off on one again, then he went to stay with my dad until he learned that what we said about my dad was true. He was young and never saw much and my dad didn't treat him the same as he did us. So he had to see for himself. Then he came back with respect. Every now and then he can't control his anger but he is much much better now.
Your brothers learned the behavior from your Dad. As negative as it seems, he was their role model who taught them powerful lessons on how to behave and how to express anger as men. They have to travel their own journey, Nicky. Hopefully they will end up in a place where they realize that the behavior doesn't work to bring them satisfaction. They will likely lose their relationships as your Dad lost his.
So all m brothers have anger problems, whereas I am the quiet one. But only because I was dissociated quite heavily. Problems never meant anything to me. I seemed to survive everything and anything,
Your ability to "shut down" and detach is what made you survive. I can only imagine how often you needed to do this in just one day or one week. When under great stress, a "flight or fight" instinct kicks in. You self protected by mentally leaving the situation and you did it over and over again. Think about the things you wrote here and the things that you wrote to me privately. Print it out and underline all of the stressors that you see. In each of those instances (and all of the instances that you haven't written down) you removed yourself by detaching. What I hoped that you would see in writing these things down and viewing them from an "afteward" perspective is that your development was interrupted repeatedly during your early years. Your inability to concentrate for long periods is connected to that. Your uneasiness in social situations is connected to that. Your "randomness" is connected to that. It is what has made you be who you are.
I also wanted you to consider what you're doing right now in your life, the goals you have shared with us on 2think and realize, Nicky, that you are one who is emerging from the past and moving forward with great strength and courage. You are intelligent, strong and driven to learn.
I want you to look into post traumatic stress disorder with your Dr. Shiny Shoes. :-)
I'm not a therapist, but I think you display all the symptoms of that disorder and I think that if you were to be diagnosed with it (or whatever determination is made) that you could recognize that you lived through a war, Nicky, and that you survived it. And that since you had the personal power to develop coping strategies back then in order to survive it, that you have it in you to intentionally develop new coping strategies that will help you to secure your future. :-)
Intentionality means everything to you and your future. You can intentionally choose portions of yourself and your life to work on. For example, the key to your future success and survival is your studies at Uni. With help from Dr. Shiny Shoes, you can sort out the areas of your life and yourself that you feel are not fully developed. Once you identify those, you can separate those out along with ways to develop them. Start small...think big!
but was able to understand everything people felt and why people acted the way they did. i could understand why my brother wanted to hurt me. And I respected that. even though he may not have been just in his desires, I knew he had a lot of anger in him. So I didn't have a problem with anything for a long while. It was coming to Uni tat everything really changed. I did begin getting anxiety before when my older brother was abusing us. Which escaladed. But I have alwasy had this need to keep things to myself. I am also a hoarder. I fear throwing out paper and usually have to challenge myself then tell myself that I am proud of myself and make myself feel good about it, otherwise I will feel bad. I also have to tear everything before I put it in a bin bag otherwise I will try to get it back out at a later time if I haven't put it out with the trash.
That's not a huge deal. I hope you've shared it with Dr. Shiny Shoes because it is an important symptom.
I think the need to be private has got worse. My brother gives me very little privacy and for a long time I had no privacy whatso ever. I don't even have a bedroom door on hinges. I sit it in place and that's it. My brother liked to attack my door when he was angry.
Take a photo of your door and take it to the local hardware store that sells hinges. Show it to the clerks and ask them to get you what type of hinges you need and the type of screw driver that you need to install them. Then GO DO IT and get yourself a door, hon. :-) You can find "do it yourself" videos on You Tube. Try the videos by "Eric Stromer" for installing doors.
It would seem more people have crappy lives than I thought.
Yes, they do and you can emerge from crap and move forward. You already are.
Love you,
Jersey
Last edited by Google Feedfetcher on Sat Aug 01, 2009 3:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
Chinese Proverb