Divorce is in the air (wife caught me looking at porn)

[_honorentheos]

Abaddon,

First and foremost, you really need to talk to two people - your wife, and a marriage counselor. Other than a couple of people as possible exceptions, your going to get a lot of amateur advise that may help or may make things worse.

Your marriage had issues prior to her finding out about your porn. You're both obviously not on the same page regarding sex, and all the porn has done is make this something that you can't hide from any longer. I hope for your sake that the threat of divorce is just her reacting to the immediate sting.

The only real question is if you should seek a counselor through LDS family services or one with a less religious view. In either case, the person who helps you will vary in how they view the issues, and having both you and your wife in some early agreement that you need to find someone who will help you identify and work on the underlying issues rather than focus on who is at fault is important. Some counselors may focus on you and your porn as the issue (see examples above) while others may sympathize with your lack of sexual satisfaction. Neither is right. You are both adults who have made an agreement to share your lives together and a break-down in communication as significant as the one you seem to be describing is catastrophic. A good counselor will help you both get beyond the issues and to the point that you can communicate. Without communication, you don't have a relationship. You have a sex-for-companionship agreement. And you both feel the contract has been violated.

Build the relationship. Forget the religious aspects for now and focus on your marriage.

[_Dwight Frye]

My advice: keep looking at porn, but don't do what you did that got you caught.

ETA: I recommend motherless.com.

[_Lucinda]

We've talked about it, oh, since we were married 9 years ago.

Then IMHO, she needs to hear it from a marriage counselor. Make a compromise w/ her...she puts out every 72 hours and you stop looking at porn. But make sure you're taking care of her needs too. Again just my humble opinion.

[_asbestosman]

So, chumps. What would you do in my situation?

See a professional marriage counselor, and then go from there. It's between you and your wife. If you want to stay with her, then you'd better be willing to give up porn. Let your wife be your only erotic material, but also let her be your best friend. If she doesn't give it to you often enough, then work with the counselor on that. I'm sure you two can come up with creative ways of working it out.

I wonder what she'd think if you when through her underwear drawer--by restocking it after doing laundry. A man doing chores is a big turn on to women--at least it is for my woman.

It may already be too late, but finding a good counselor can help.

[_Baker]

Didn't you say you were having sex a few times a month? Geez, for a lot of people that would be a substantial increase. Grow up and learn to control yourself, you're not an animal (I assume).

And why not devote your interim fantasies to considering new ways in which you might please your wife?

Okay, you're not serious, are you?

I'm entirely serious. Not at all to suggest that an honest dialogue about sexual desires is not warranted, it may very well be. It's also possible that the OP is just lousy at sex. In the end, perhaps his hand derives more pleasure from the act than his wife does.

[_Hoops]

All these calls for counseling is b.s.

Start here: Wife, if you want me to stop looking at porn, lets have sex more often. If she says know, then you'll know what to do.

[_truth dancer]

Hoops...

And the reverse is true. If she wants to stay married she could a) give it up more, or b) not worry about it if he looks at porn.

Two way street.

Did you notice I said... "if your wife is not OK with your porn viewing?"

If the wife is not OK with porn viewing and he wants to remain married he has only two options... continue on and hope not to get caught, or stop viewing.

Simple as that.

It appears that the wife doesn't want to remain married if the porn viewing continues.

~td~

[_asbestosman]

Did you notice I said... "if your wife is not OK with your porn viewing?"

If the wife is not OK with porn viewing and he wants to remain married he has only two options... continue on and hope not to get caught, or stop viewing.

Simple as that.

It appears that the wife doesn't want to remain married if the porn viewing continues.

~td~

+1

[_Hoops]

Did you notice I said... "if your wife is not OK with your porn viewing?"

If the wife is not OK with porn viewing and he wants to remain married he has only two options... continue on and hope not to get caught, or stop viewing.

Simple as that.

It appears that the wife doesn't want to remain married if the porn viewing continues.

She's the one with the problem. Either with viewing porn, or her unwillingness to have sex with her husband.

The ball is in her court.

So to speak.

[_honorentheos]

All these calls for counseling is b.s.

Start here: Wife, if you want me to stop looking at porn, lets have sex more often. If she says know, then you'll know what to do.

An ultimatum? Why not just say, "take the divorce so you can do what you want to"?