Divorce is in the air (wife caught me looking at porn)

[_honorentheos]

Did you notice I said... "if your wife is not OK with your porn viewing?"

If the wife is not OK with porn viewing and he wants to remain married he has only two options... continue on and hope not to get caught, or stop viewing.

Simple as that.

It appears that the wife doesn't want to remain married if the porn viewing continues.

She's the one with the problem. Either with viewing porn, or her unwillingness to have sex with her husband.

The ball is in her court.

So to speak.

BS, Hoops. The problem is the fact they can't get on the same page as a couple on something as important as sex in their relationship. Your saying it is all her fault (I say partly not wholly) and not his (again, I say partly but not wholly) is myopic. You're looking at the symptoms and taking the side that appeals most to your feelings.

[_truth dancer]

Did you notice I said... "if your wife is not OK with your porn viewing?"

If the wife is not OK with porn viewing and he wants to remain married he has only two options... continue on and hope not to get caught, or stop viewing.

Simple as that.

It appears that the wife doesn't want to remain married if the porn viewing continues.

She's the one with the problem. Either with viewing porn, or her unwillingness to have sex with her husband.

The ball is in her court.

So to speak.

Hoops, she has already made her decision... at least that is how I read it. It sounds to me like she is at a place where he stops viewing or they get a divorce.

I say the ball is in his court at this point. ;-)

[_Hoops]

All these calls for counseling is b.s.

Start here: Wife, if you want me to stop looking at porn, lets have sex more often. If she says know, then you'll know what to do.

An ultimatum? Why not just say, "take the divorce so you can do what you want to"?

I see no ultimatum in my advice. But it does sound like wife is giving an ultimatum.

[_asbestosman]

All these calls for counseling is b.s.

Why? A counselor would be more likely to offer good advice than a bunch of strangers on the internet. I can't be responsible for his life choices--I simply do not have the qualifications to help him see the consequences and thereby make a rational decision.

Start here: Wife, if you want me to stop looking at porn, lets have sex more often. If she says know, then you'll know what to do.

Sure, that viewpoint could the right one, but it all depends on his priorities. If getting off frequently is more important than her companionship, then maybe it's the right stance. That's up to him. I have no idea how they really view each other. For other people, they would stick with each other even if one of them lost the ability for intimacy. It's up to them on where they draw the line.

[_Hoops]

Hoops, she has already made her decision... at least that is how I read it. It sounds to me like she is at a place where he stops viewing or they get a divorce.

I say the ball is in his court at this point. ;-)

That's one way to look at it. But I would contend with the position that this is entirely his fault because he was looking at porn. Her passive aggressive manipulations are symptomatic of much more.

[_honorentheos]

Hoops, she has already made her decision... at least that is how I read it. It sounds to me like she is at a place where he stops viewing or they get a divorce.

I say the ball is in his court at this point. ;-)

I call BS on this, too. She is partially to blame as he is also saying he can not live on the limited sex they are having.

There is no "ball" in a "court" being passed back and forth. It's an f-in marriage. They bloody own the whole thing.

There are much bigger things at work here than a bunch of strangers on a message board can resolve. Perhaps she has been sexually assaulted in her past and has hang-ups that are complicated. Maybe he is bad in bed. Maybe she has no libido. Maybe...how exactly would we know?

Or, sex is just a symptom of something else in their relationship altogether.

The issue is simple - he is talking to the wrong people about the wrong things. He needs to talk with his wife and someone who can help them resolve the problems involved.

[_asbestosman]

She's the one with the problem.

It doesn't matter. She made her decision, right or wrong. It is now up to Abaddon to as to whether her terms are worth it.

[_honorentheos]

All these calls for counseling is b.s.

Start here: Wife, if you want me to stop looking at porn, lets have sex more often. If she says know, then you'll know what to do.

An ultimatum? Why not just say, "take the divorce so you can do what you want to"?

I see no ultimatum in my advice. But it does sound like wife is giving an ultimatum.

More sex or you know what to do?

Maybe I misunderstand what he should do?

[_MsJack]

Abaddon ~ If you want to ask a professional, I recommend writing to Mormon sex therapist Natasha Helfer Parker. She dishes advice over the Web and has been interviewed by Mormon Stories and Mormon Expression, and she will keep you confidential. I'm pretty sure she has covered marriage cases involving families where one spouse believes and one doesn't.

Good luck to you.

[_Hoops]

Sure, that viewpoint could the right one, but it all depends on his priorities. If getting off frequently is more important than her companionship, then maybe it's the right stance.

And if her NOT having sex is more important than companionship, then maybe her stance is right.

Be that as it may, if you think this is just about "getting off" then you're as messed up she is.

For other people, they would stick with each other even if one of them lost the ability for intimacy.

Man, you just don't get it. Sex is not the intimacy, sex is the expression of intimacy. If she's only having sex twice a month and he wants more, than she has drawn herself away, not the other way around. Viewing porn and getting off on it only makes the lack of intimacy tolerable.