Telling a spouse about your disbelief

[_zeezrom]

I started talking to my wife from the very moment I found out about the craziness. Actually, it was about 6 hours later to be exact. I remember it well. I was sitting on the couch and my wife was on the rocking chair across from me. I said, "Honey, I found out something about Joseph Smith that is really crazy." my wife looked very concerned and worried. She didn't want to talk much about it so I let it go. The next day, I brought it up again and she said, "OK, what is it?" I then explained to her that I read that Joseph Smith married at least 33 women and girls, many behind Emma's back, some were already married, and some were younger than 17. She was shocked but did not want to look any deeper. I did.

Months later, she admitted to me that she suspected I had a porn problem the night I first told her about Joseph Smith. But very soon after that night, when she started to realize that these were not lies, she became less worried about me and more worried about what was going to happen to our future in the church.

Anyway, my wife and I would sit and discuss this every night after putting the kids to bed for about 3 months. It was very serious and difficult. I also started posting on the MAD board and running into people like Will Schryver who made me very depressed. I like Will and think it would be fun to go to the water slide with him, but he is not a good person to go to if you are struggling with religious issues.

All I can say is do everything you can to talk about what's on your mind and patiently listen to her. my wife and I also went to therapy for a while, which helped a lot.

[_Ceeboo]

Hi called2swerve,

I am not (nor have ever been) LDS, so please consider that as you weigh the following few words.

It is exactly during the times when things are not going perfect along our jouneys (no matter what that happens to be) that we most need the love, support, friendship, and strength from and to the very one we are most intimate with.

Together, is the only way to travel this road (IMHO)

Talk, laugh, and hug often.

Peace,
Ceeboo

[_schreech]

I can't guarantee nuttin'. But Toronto's take does seem quite reasonable to me. Some things that are hard, or seem hard, are very much worth doing.

Good.on.you...credibility +3

[_Themis]

I never considered myself a hypocrite about my faith, testimony or Priesthood. The only thing I have not done well is express my fear and doubt about the church to my wife.

Don't worry about Will. He has his mission of pushing as many people out of the church as he can.

[_Themis]

Be upfront and honest. Maybe she's mistaking "testimony, faith, and honor or your priesthood" for something else?

She probably senses what is happening and saying those things as a defense mechanism hoping that he will get back on what she thinks is the proper path.

[_Runtu]

I never considered myself a hypocrite about my faith, testimony or Priesthood. The only thing I have not done well is express my fear and doubt about the church to my wife.

Two pieces of advice:

1. Ignore William. He's just here to push your buttons, nothing more.

2. Don't make your lack of faith the center of your marriage. Focus on the good things in your marriage, and build a good, strong relationship. Remember that the church is not the glue that holds together the marriage: it's love, trust, companionship, and kindness. If you have those things in your marriage, you can weather pretty much any storm.

[_keithb]

I probably should have been much more open to my wife about this journey I have been on. I have heard many testimonies from my spouse about how much she admires my testimony, faith and how I honor my Priesthood. We can talk about our insecurities our failings and our faults, because we know we have them. But when your testimony, faith and honor to your priesthood is put up on a pedestal, how can you tell them that this pedestal is at risk of falling over?

You might actually find some help over at the official NOM board:

http://forum.newordermormon.org/

It seems like pretty much every other thread over there is about a person in a similar situation.

I frequent both that board and this board. This board, unfortunately, is much more about the doctrinal battles between "apologists" and "antis", and there is very little love lost between the parties at times. The other board, however, is much more about the emotional side of struggling with the church and how to deal with a loss of faith, family reactions to leaving the church, etc.

On a more serious note, I don't know you Will Schryver, and I try to stay away from the threads attacking your conduct. But, what you said is really kind of a dickish thing to say.Here is a guy struggling with his faith, which is the perfect opportunity for you to drop the bitter apologist act for a second and say something like, "Look, buddy, I know that you're going through a hard time and I don't have all of the answers you're looking for, but I believe in my religion because . . . (insert your standard two minute testimony building statement here) and so I would encourage you to think/pray about your decision" or something like that. Instead, you take this guy struggling with his faith as an opportunity to basically imply that he's a hypocrite. He has no history with you buddy, so why not say something nice instead? I would think that, if you're really on here to defend the church and keep people from leaving it, you just missed a golden opportunity to at least put in your two cents as to why you think he should stay.

Called2Swerve, I am with you buddy. I concluded, after some careful study, that the church probably isn't true, just like all religion probably isn't true; but I am happy to say that I ultimately made my decision based on reason and logic, not on anger over the things that I came to realize that the church had lied to me and others about over the years. But, you have to find your own path in life and do what is best for you.

I would also add three pieces of advice to keep in mind. First, you don't owe the church ANYTHING. They have already taken a lot from you in life in the form of your time, your money, and your emotions. You are under no obligation to justify your decisions to anyone, especially not your priesthood leaders. Religion, and how we come to grips with our own mortality, are very personal journeys; and each of us ultimately has to make that journey alone.

Second, I would advise you against sacrificing your family relationships for the sake of a political statement. If your wife is a TBM and she would react badly to you leaving, you might try to find a compromise or middle ground with her. Again, the people at the NOM board can possibly help with this. Ultimately, you have to make this decision, but you can't make the decision in a vacuum since it affects the people around you too. I would have personally told the church to “F” off by now if it was just about me, but I have my father -- who is old and very TBM -- to think about as well.

Finally, remember that, contrary to what any TBM will tell you, you can believe in some of the teachings of the church while rejecting others. There are so many contradictory things in the Mormon scriptures, GA talks, etc. that you can find quotes to defend almost any position. Pick the parts of the church's teachings that work for you, if you decide to go that route.

I never realized, until I stopped believing, how weird and cult like this religion sometimes is, especially with regard to its less orthodox members.

Best of luck Called2Swerve.

[_Inconceivable]

I probably should have been much more open to my wife about this journey I have been on.

As Zee was saying, I think my wife was figuring I was looking at porn too. I didn't share my concerns with her in the beginning because I really wasn't sure what I was getting into or what conclusion I would draw in the end.

In hindsight, I would have wanted her to be with me from the beginning. What is difficult is when you have drawn a conclusion and your spouse isn't even at square one.

[_madeleine]

Calledtoswerve (lol at the name) - Just break it gently, with reassurances that you love her. Tell her that you aren't trying to break up your marriage, or testing it, or any other list of negatives. Keep it positive. But don't hide what you are thinking or exploring. It is not an honest way to live, for either of you.

Threats to end your marriage are not good, in a lot of ways. Talk that one through with her, perhaps going down the path that you don't want your marriage to end for any reason, ever, and it is your desire that she doesn't either.

[_Themis]

As Zee was saying, I think my wife was figuring I was looking at porn too. I didn't share my concerns with her in the beginning because I really wasn't sure what I was getting into or what conclusion I would draw in the end.

In hindsight, I would have wanted her to be with me from the beginning. What is difficult is when you have drawn a conclusion and your spouse isn't even at square one.

I think it is a good idea, but I know we sometimes like to figure things out first before telling the wife. My advice would be to go slow and try to share some of the things one has learned in non-threatening ways to test the water on how a spouse may think or feel about it. Many of them would go the same route as their spouses if they have the proper time to adjust. To much to soon can be disastrous to a marriage.