"Are you on your period or something?" and other sexist remarks

[Some Schmo]

Ah, combing through someone’s post history just to be an asshole to them. Jersey Girl has now reached the internet maturity level of your average Reddit user. (About 13)

When someone makes a claim about their posting history, I tend to take a look at the posting history.

You found two posts where I used the word "cunt" out of literally thousands of posts I've made. Quite the comprehensive look at my posting history, there.

I honestly thought you were smarter than this.

[Lem]

At what maturity level does someone stop calling a woman a "contagious" and "ignorant" "stupid stupid cunt"?

At what maturity level does someone stop announcing you hate all men and wish all men were dead?

Wow, that's terrible. Who has done that? I hope not someone here, but if so, please post a quote and a link.

A comment like that deserves attention, just like calling someone a "contagious", "ignorant" "damned stupid cunt" does.

[Jersey Girl]

When someone makes a claim about their posting history, I tend to take a look at the posting history.

You found two posts where I used the word "cunt" out of literally thousands of posts I've made. Quite the comprehensive look at my posting history, there.

I honestly thought you were smarter than this.

That's odd. I thought you were smarter than this, too.

I'd search the old board if only it weren't unsearchable. How convenient for you.

[Some Schmo]

I'd search the old board if only it weren't unsearchable. How convenient for you.

Right, because it's such a treasure trove of sexist Schmo quotes.

You're an idiot.

[Analytics]

Wow, that's terrible. Who has done that? I hope not someone here, but if so, please post a quote and a link.

A comment like that deserves attention, just like calling someone a "contagious", "ignorant" "stupid stupid cunt" does.

Victoria Bissell Brown said that. Here is a link: (viewtopic.php?f=7&t=762)

By Victoria Bissell Brown
(retired from the faculty of Grinnell College, where she taught United States history.)

I yelled at my husband last night. Not pick-up-your-socks yell. Not how-could-you-ignore-that-red-light yell.

This was real yelling. This was 30 minutes of from-the-gut yelling. Triggered by a small, thoughtless, dismissive, annoyed, patronizing comment. Really small. A micro-wave that triggered a hurricane. I blew. Hard and fast. And it terrified me. I’m still terrified by what I felt and what I said. I am almost 70 years old. I am a grandmother. Yet in that roiling moment, screaming at my husband as if he represented every clueless male on the planet (and I every angry woman of 2018), I announced that I hate all men and wish all men were dead.

[emphasis added]

[Lem]

Wow, that's terrible. Who has done that? I hope not someone here, but if so, please post a quote and a link.

A comment like that deserves attention, just like calling someone a "contagious", "ignorant" "stupid stupid cunt" does.

Victoria Bissell Brown said that. Here is a link: (viewtopic.php?f=7&t=762)

By Victoria Bissell Brown
(retired from the faculty of Grinnell College, where she taught United States history.)

I yelled at my husband last night. Not pick-up-your-socks yell. Not how-could-you-ignore-that-red-light yell.

This was real yelling. This was 30 minutes of from-the-gut yelling. Triggered by a small, thoughtless, dismissive, annoyed, patronizing comment. Really small. A micro-wave that triggered a hurricane. I blew. Hard and fast. And it terrified me. I’m still terrified by what I felt and what I said. I am almost 70 years old. I am a grandmother. Yet in that roiling moment, screaming at my husband as if he represented every clueless male on the planet (and I every angry woman of 2018), I announced that I hate all men and wish all men were dead.

[emphasis added]

i agree with you, that is terrible. No matter how much abuse one has endured, things like that are inexcusable.

She didn't say it directly to you though, did she? Unlike your comment directly to me, asking if i was on my period, right? (oh, wait, no, you had a REASON for saying that to me. Well, so did she. Even though she didn't say it TO and ABOUT you. But that doesn't excuse her! but then your reason for what you said TO and ABOUT me specifically shouldn't excuse you either! to be fair, right? )

by the way, have you read any of Res Ipsa's posts on this thread? he has posted some interesting things that relate to this issue.

For me, personally, i would never say anything like that, no matter how many men call me a cunt.

or ask me if i am on my period.

Or touch me inappropriately in an elevator.

or tell sexist jokes in a grad school class where i am the only female.

or make jokes about the body of a fellow female presenter in a university presentation.

or stop a statistics thread to explain (dumb down) the concepts so the one female participating can "get it."

or post in a thread i am actively participating in that "we were all priesthood holders so we understand..."

or post threads to make jokes about how, unlike "us", women only collect knick knacks and shop (also here).

or ....

well, you get the idea, right? I am sorry you were hurt by Victoria's words, she was wrong to stereotype you.

Did you read the rest of her post?

[Some Schmo]

My wife just got home and she could tell I was annoyed, so she asked what was wrong, and I told her about this thread. Her first question was, "Is she on her period or something?"

I love my wife. God, she makes me laugh.

[Lem]

My wife just got home and she could tell I was annoyed, so she asked what was wrong, and I told her about this thread. Her first question was, "Is she on her period or something?"

I love my wife. God, she makes me laugh.

No one ever said only men are sexist. Glad you have each other. Please don’t call her a cunt.

[Some Schmo]

No one ever said only men are sexist. Glad you have each other. Please don’t call her a cunt.

Right, now my wife is sexist for making a joke.

You do your purported goals a real disservice by reacting this way. By your standard, everyone is a sexist (including you) and therefore nobody is. It's ridiculous.

[Lem]

Each time I think this thread is wrapping up, it gains new life! So, this time I won't collect some posts and call it a finale, but rather, just a chapter ending.

In between all the 'performance art', for wont of a better term, there were some really meaningful posts with references posted that were new to me. To collect these, I would start here:

Schmo,

You mentioned trying to be an ally of feminists. Being a good ally is hard, especially at first. But the practice of centering others instead of oneself can have a tremendous impact on how you view and treat others. Here is a section from one of the many, many online resources addressing how to be a good ally:

BOOTS & SANDALS: HOW TO HANDLE MISTAKES
Contributed by Presley Pizzo. Please credit Presley when referencing this section.

While mistakes are to be expected, what’s the best way to go about resolving them?

Note: Parts of this section were originally based on Kayla Reed’s (@iKaylaReed) tweet sharing her definition of what it means to be an ally. It’s another great definition that’ll help you follow along with this section!

Imagine your privilege is a heavy boot that keeps you from feeling when you’re stepping on someone’s feet or they’re stepping on yours, while oppressed people have only sandals. If someone says, “ouch! You’re stepping on my toes,” how do you react?

Because we can think more clearly about stepping on someone’s literal toes than we usually do when it comes to oppression, the problems with many common responses are obvious:

• Centering yourself: “I can’t believe you think I’m a toe-stepper! I’m a good person!”
  Denial that others’ experiences are different from your own: “I don’t mind when people step on my toes.”
  Derailing: “Some people don’t even have toes, why aren’t we talking about them instead?”
  Refusal to center the impacted: “All toes matter!”
  Tone policing: “I’d move my foot if you’d ask me more nicely.”
  Denial that the problem is fixable: “Toes getting stepped on is a fact of life. You’ll be better off when you accept that.”
  Victim blaming: “You shouldn’t have been walking around people with boots!”
  Withdrawing: “I thought you wanted my help, but I guess not. I’ll just go home.”

In reality, most of us naturally know the right way to react when we step on someone’s toes, and we can use that to help us learn how to react when we commit microaggressions.

• Center the impacted: “Are you okay?”
  Listen to their response and learn.
  Apologize for the impact, even though you didn’t intend it: “I’m sorry!”
  Stop the instance: move your foot
  Stop the pattern: be careful where you step in the future. When it comes to oppression, we want to actually change the “footwear” to get rid of privilege and oppression (sneakers for all!), but metaphors can only stretch so far!

Reacting in a fair and helpful way isn’t about learning arbitrary rules or being a doormat. When we take the politics out of it, it’s just the reasonable thing to do. Still, it’s hard to remember in the moment, because these issues are so charged in our society. As such, it may be helpful to reframe the situation so that you don’t feel defensive.

You may have noticed it’s easier to handle being corrected about something you didn’t know if you’re grateful for and even open to the opportunity to learn rather than embarrassed to have been wrong. Being able to let go of your ego is an incredibly important skill to develop.

Try starting with “Thanks for letting me know” to put yourself in a better frame of mind. If after you say that, you need to take some time to think about the situation, that’s fine, too. Just remember that this isn’t about changing the other person’s frame of mind. They’re allowed to be upset about being oppressed.

A couple tips: think of sexism as a thing people do, not a thing people are. Being told that something you said is sexist isn't a death sentence or an accusation of being a horrible, irredeemable person. If you didn't mean to say something sexist, then it's a mistake. Oopsie. Sorry. It's done. Like you said, you can't fix it if you can't see it. That means, if you want to fix it, you can't launch into self-defense mode when someone points sexist language out to you.

Also, allies don't expect cookies. I'm doing my best to be Lem's ally in this thread, very consciously and deliberately. And I don't expect anything in return. She can hit me with both barrels tomorrow in another thread, and I don't get to say "after all I did for you...." She owes me exactly nothing. Not a favor. Not a compliment. Not an acknowledgment. Not even a thank you. Being an ally is nothing more than trying one's best to be a decent human being. It's its own reward.

Last thing: forget about empathy. So what if you can't empathize with Lem or any other woman? You don't need to. Compassion will get you anywhere you need to go. I've been meaning to post about a book I recently read called "Against Empathy." Here's a column by the author: http://bostonreview.net/forum/paul-bloo ... st-empathy

Don't let an inability to empathize become a stumbling block. Compassion flows from the recognition that we are all human beings, with more in common than we realize. That's one thing I think the Buddhists are dead right about.

Give yourself some time to cool off, then go back and read your part of the thread with the tips on being a good ally in mind. Notice how quickly some of the participants in this conversation make it all about them -- centering on themselves instead of others. Notice how often the "problem responses" in the piece I quoted appear in the thread. Then see if that doesn't shift your perspective -- just a little.