Why you leave is no one else's business

[_Runtu]

A friend of mine realized that he did not believe in the LDS church about the same time I did (summer 2005 or so), so we connected over similar experiences. He was serving in a bishopric, and I was in the high priests group leadership. Both of us ended up serving in our callings for a while because we couldn't get released. So, being dutiful church members, we kept on serving in our callings, even though we did not believe. He served in the bishopric for over a year as an unbeliever, finally calling it quits when he realized that they had no intention of releasing him. As for me, they just put me in the nursery.

One way that we are different is that I had an intense need for people I cared about to understand where I was coming from, so when people asked me why I had lost my faith, I told them. My friend, on the other hand, just says, "I don't believe in the church anymore, and I have good reasons. If you want to know about it, you'll have to do your own homework."

On the one hand, this has been much better for him than it has been for me, as there's been less arguing, fewer attempts to drag him back to church, than there has been for me. Every time I ever brought up a church issue with friends or family, it ended badly. So, in that respect, he's chosen the better path. Of course, he's been told that one consequence of his silence has been rampant rumor-mongering, such as that he was involved in "swinging" or polygamy, or that he started his own cult. He thinks that's funny, as do I, but I admit I'd probably be a little perturbed if that kind of stuff were said about me.

But in the end, he's right. What he believes or doesn't believe is his business and no one else's. I can't speak for the rest of you, but I was raised to be keenly aware of what other people thought of me and how well I was living the gospel. Sometimes Zee's posts remind me of that terrible angst from feeling like other people disapprove of things I've done, but for the most part, the angst is gone.

I know why I don't believe in Mormonism, but it's no one else's business but mine.

[_stemelbow]

I've learned that some people ask why because they think they have the solution. Boy are they wrong when it unfolds from there. Of course this is not in consideration of your or Zeezrom's case. Just others that I've observed.

[_Runtu]

I've learned that some people ask why because they think they have the solution. Boy are they wrong when it unfolds from there. Of course this is not in consideration of your or Zeezrom's case. Just others that I've observed.

People want to fix broken things, like testimonies. I don't blame them, though it rarely ends well. So, I've taken to just answering like my friend does. Most people in the church don't know enough about the issues that bother me to resolve them for me, so it doesn't help to let them think they can.

[_zeezrom]

Sure it's nobody's business but if someone decides to explain to me how and why they believe what they believe and if there is time, I will also explain how and why I believe what I believe. Hopefully they will not disrespect my beliefs no matter how outlandish they might seem from their POV because I don't plan to disrespect theirs.

If they ask why I left or trashed the gospel I will frankly tell them that I feel I have only gained and joined new things. I won't focus on the negative (leaving and dumping). I will also ask them if they feel so inclined to try an experiment to see if my beliefs are true.

[_Runtu]

Sure it's nobody's business but if someone decides to explain to me how and why they believe what they believe and if there is time, I will also explain how and why I believe what I believe. Hopefully they will not disrespect my beliefs no matter how outlandish they might seem from their POV because I don't plan to disrespect theirs.

If they ask why I left or trashed the gospel I will frankly tell them that I feel I have only gained and joined new things. I won't focus on the negative (leaving and dumping). I will also ask them if they feel so inclined to try an experiment to see if my beliefs are true.

I always follow a simple rule when I'm faced with a decision. I ask myself:

1. What do I want to result from this action or decision?

2. What is the likely outcome from this action or decision?

For example, a few years back, someone I know alerted another person about what that other person's family member had said anonymously on the Internet. To me, I would have needed a solid answer to question 1 and a likely good outcome from question 2. When I asked these questions to my friend, he replied, "I just thought it was the right thing to do." I don't think that's good enough.

So, when people ask me about leaving the church, I tend more towards not explaining myself, but if I'm tempted, I come back to those two questions. It's very rare that I see a positive outcome from sharing my reasons for unbelief with believers. It's happened, though.

[Guest]

Interesting. I could re-title my book "Why I am not a Mormon." It would boil down to 1. I think that Mormons who dislike me because of my ancestry are totally bizarre. (My g-g-grandfather marched on the Carthage Jail on June 27, 1844.) 2. Read the Book of Mormon and Geoffrey of Monmouth and Maccabees, and find the parallels. 3. The Catholic God is much better than the Mormon god.

What I said in 250 pages of text can be summarized in three sentences. Why try?

The anger is gone for me, too.

[_Rambo]

It depends on the person for me. Most the time I just keep quiet and I say in my mind I can prove Joseph Smith is not a prophet.

If they say they really want to help them then I tell them that I would come back to church if they can explain this one thing to me. First they would have to watch this one hour video so they can be informed. I find the only people that take up the offer of the Book of Abraham video are in-active members that still believe. Most TBM's will not even venture to go there.

[_badseed]

Good post. Thanks.

I've wondered why people want to know my reasons but probably even more importantly why I've sometimes felt compelled to justify my disaffection. I can't decide if my own need to share where I'm at is fueled by the desire to fix things that has been mentioned or if it comes from an LDS tradition feeling you need to tell others where you stand.

The 'fix it' idea only makes sense when you consider there might be people who are silently struggling with issues and need to realize that it's OK for them to not believe. I don't really expect to convince orthodox believing LDS of anything... at least not anymore.

I do still fight the feeling that I need to tell others outside my immediate family where I stand with the Church and I wonder if this comes from the way I was raised as a Mormon. Bishops youth interviews, TR interviews, PPIs, Home Teaching, Visiting Teaching, testimony bearing/meetings, serving a full time mission— they all have to with checking up on someone and the state of their testimony. I wonder if it all didn't contribute to the feeling that I somehow owe LDS around me some sort of explanation.

I need to be more like your friend, tell people that I have my reasons and then leave it at that. It's really kind of hard to do.

[Guest]

I need to be more like your friend, tell people that I have my reasons and then leave it at that. It's really kind of hard to do.

It is sort of TBM-ish to respond to their questions.

[_Scottie]

People want to fix broken things, like testimonies. I don't blame them, though it rarely ends well. So, I've taken to just answering like my friend does. Most people in the church don't know enough about the issues that bother me to resolve them for me, so it doesn't help to let them think they can.

Same for me.

Everybody thinks they have the answers to the "tough questions". The fact is that rarely do these people even have a rudimentary understanding of the problems we discuss daily here. I find I spend more time trying to educate (and, frankly, getting them to even believe) the few factual pieces of information we have.

"I have a problem with the way Joseph married a 14 year old girl under duress"

"What??? He did no such thing!! He married women because they were widows!"

"Have you read the diary of Helen Mar Kimball?"

"No, that's anti-Mormon material. That's why you left! You believe in all those lies! Just pray to get an answer from God!!"

/sigh