Ex-Mormons: Conformity and Healing

[_Runtu]

I’ve noticed this weird phenomenon among some ex-Mormons, and that is an insistence that there is a “right” way for ex-Mormons to think and behave. Since we were all raised to believe that Mormons were supposed to be and act a certain way, it’s natural that we would think that ex-Mormons also should be the same. So, we see a lot of people insisting on conformity.

Part of healing is getting to the point where you’re comfortable in your own skin, where you are happy being the person you want to be. Oddly enough, most people post on places like Recovery from Mormonism or Post-Mormon for a short time, get the anger and hurt out, and then live happy and productive lives. (And let’s face it, there is a lot of anger among the newly apostate, which shouldn’t surprise anyone.) The need for conformity is just one small step in the process for some.

It’s been almost 6 years for me, and I occasionally post on the ex-Mormon message boards when I think I have something that might help people who are where I was about 5 years ago. These days, I’m living an authentic life, and I’m more or less happy–definitely happier than I used to be. People who expect me to live a certain way have no effect on me.

Of course, getting to the point at which I could feel I was “myself” took a long time, with a lot of soul-searching, prayer, therapy, and medication (and 3 days in a psych hospital).

For me, the hardest thing about leaving the LDS church was figuring out who I really was inside. For 40 years I had been living my life according to a script someone else had written. I was living a good Mormon life, and I was so good at it I really didn’t know what I wanted, what I thought, what I felt anymore. What parts of my life would I have chosen had I not been a Mormon? Should I reject everything because it came from Mormonism?

In the end, I figured out that it didn’t matter what I had done in the past or why. What I needed to figure out was the kind of life I wanted to have from here out. Yes, I’ve had to compromise and work around people and situations, but that’s part of life anyway.

A wise man once said, You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need. I have what I need, and it’s good.

[_Inconceivable]

For me, the hardest thing about leaving the LDS church was figuring out who I really was inside.

It's a frightening thought. Who are we really?

I had an epiphany many years ago. I suddenly became keenly aware that at the center of my soul, my intent was good. I became more patient, honest, forgiving and understanding with myself. I became a friend with unconditional love for myself. I wasn't ashamed of who I really was. It's all about motive and intent. It began to change my approach to life in general. Perhaps this is what some might partially describe as being born again.

I knew who I was many years before I left the church. Finding out who a church and it's founders really are shouldn't necessarilly change the way we see ourselves, but it might be a catalyst for those who have not yet asked these important questions.

[_MCB]

Given the intrusive control that LDS exerts over its members and others, sometimes our self-concept becomes dependent on how others see us, which is not necessarily reality. It is subject to the gossip network.

Some of the same habits extend into post-Mo life. People try to make others into what they think they are, or want them to be.

It has been five years since I got away from a Mormon-dominated town, and I have made great progress in my recovery.

[_Scottie]

Growing up Mormon, you learn to filter your entire life through a Mormon lens. Pray to God every hour in your heart. Every decision you make should be made after prayerful consideration. God will show you the path.

When this was suddenly ripped from my world paradigm, it left a gaping hole inside me. How do I function in this new life? How do I make decisions without relying on the spirit to guide me. It was terrifying!! It took me close to a year to re-discover how to live this new life without relying on God/The Holy Ghost. It is frightening to realize that you ARE all alone. It was just me and the decisions I make.

To compound that, when you leave the church, people that were close to you seem to either want to save you or treat you like you are diseased. Nobody seems interested in trying to understand you, which made me that much more isolated and alone.

[Guest]

It is that isolation that gets people. Loss of support network, or inability to develop one.

And realizing that the Mormon god is not God and is not a healthy one. My conception of God was a bit TBM-ish, so I can identify with that reaction.

[_Yoda]

A wise man once said, You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need. I have what I need, and it’s good.

And there are few people as wise as The Rolling Stones! :-)

I really appreciate your OP, Runtu. I think that it applies to NOM's as well.

Actually, I think that in some ways, things can be just as hard for us because we tend to get flack from both sides of the aisle. We're walking a pretty fine tightrope with family and friends who are Church members. And, even when we come to places like this for support, often times we are met with disdain by ex-members who claim we are cowards and intellectually dishonest for maintaining our Church membership.

I went through a real crisis of faith about five years ago, when I really began studying some of the controversial issues such as polygamy and MMM. My feelings ran the whole spectrum...from disbelief to anger.

What finally gave me peace was my realization that NONE of us really have all of the answers about what will take place in the hereafter. What is important is how we treat each other in the now. And, living the core gospel of Jesus Christ helps me to do that.

I am proud to be able to use the mind that God has given me, and yes, pick and choose what I believe.

My family jokingly calls my observations "the gospel according to Liz". LOL

Realizing that the prophets are not perfect, and that they have made mistakes...and that all of the representatives of the Church are, after all, simply men, was a very freeing experience for me. I was able to let go of a lot of the anger I felt, and gain a new acceptance.

I have embraced the LDS faith in a new light...one that works for me. Everyone has to find their own path, and adopt a way of life that suits them.

[_Bond James Bond]

For me, the hardest thing about leaving the LDS church was figuring out who I really was inside.

It's a frightening thought. Who are we really?.

To piggyback on your thoughts guys, another frightening thought for people who lose faith (especially to the point of atheism) is the reality that this life is all we have. We don't have eternity in heaven or numerous chances at life via reincarnation. We got between 50-100 years in which to live.

For many who love living (such as myself) the thought that we won't be able to do all we want or to consciously exist forever is a frightening thought. At some point you either make peace with it and enjoy life in all its forms as much as you can while trying to do as much as possible, but at the beginning it can be very depressing as you ponder "what's the point of anything? It's fleeting!" leading to nihilist thinking for a time. But hopefully you develop a certain peace with your new reality and proactively live.

(Hey I'm back to Bond James Bond! Go Shades)

[_Jersey Girl]

THANK YOU!!!!

:-D