Changes in the Church I would make if I were "The Prophet"

[_daheshism]

Come up with your own suggestions on what YOU would change if YOU were President of the Church!
................................
Here are mine:

1) Church-sponsored Fat farms for single fat Mormon women so they'd have a chance for marriage and children in this life (other than having to marrying black men straight out of prison as their only way to get marriage and children in this life)

2) Church on Sunday changed from three hours to 90 minutes; with Priesthood and Relief Society one hour per MONTH on a Saturday evening.

3) One "Welfare Project" per month for Members or non-members--this may including aiding other groups such as the Salvation Army, etc., the establishment of a "Mormon Soup Kitchen" for the homeless, etc.

4) Deacons and Teachers and Priests actually being grown married men like in the early LDS Church, and not boys who don't actually "teach" anybody anything, but with Deacons actually doing what the D&C says: making sure rumors and backbiting do not spread.

5) NOT calling missionaries who go on missions because of family pressure, but only missionaries who really want to serve (this will reduce the number of "Bad" Mormon missionaries who screw female investigators and baptize people only for "numbers" who soon fall away).

6) Making Sacrament a real "Feast" of bread and wine or red kool-aid where people can socialize instead of listening to some idiot ramble on about who-the-Hell-knows and God-knows-what.

7) Sunday "unforms" for men and women so that everybody is wearing the same thing: all men where the same uniform and all women the same sort of dress on Sunday. Bishops wear red skull-caps. Elders where blue skull caps.

8) Male missionaries no longer called "Elders" but "Brothers" and no longer ordained as Elders but "priests" so they can baptize. Senior Elders to be the only "Elders" ("Elder" means "old gentleman").

6) Separate men and women in chapels/sactuaries: with men sitting on one side and women on the other like in the Temples and as they did in the early days of the Church (i'm allergic to purfume and I'm sure many others are too). Women sit with young children, and men with boys aged 12 and above.

7) Establishing Saturday Wards for those who must work on Saturdays and Young Adults.

8) Training bishops at a "Bishop Training Center" for a month to get rid of much of the stupid-think, false assumptions, and idiotic notions many Mormon bishops have.

9) Teach Seminary students that Joseph Smith was a "sinner like all of us" and "fell" into sin but was still a Prophet of God, that Brigham Young had many false ideas, and that this should convince us to put our faith and hope upon Jesus Christ and not upon our human leaders--that neither Church presidents or apostles are "infallible" that only the Scriptures are infallible and even the interpretation of Scripture can be fallible.

10) The First Presidency issues a "Statement on the Origin of Man" that says that Adam and Eve were not the first human beings, but the first of the Adamic race (whose nations are mentioned in Genesis chapter 10), and that the Earth and Cosmos is billions of years old, and that we evolved form lower forms of life, and that the "rib story is figurative" and not literal, and that the Flood of Noah was local and not universal, and that Church teachings are consistent with the existence of Pre-Adamites, a local flood, and Divinely-guided Evolution.

11) The First Presidency issues an official "Statement on the Conception of Jesus" that clearly states that God the Father and Mary did not have intimate relations, but that Jesus' conception was the result of a miracle produced via the Holy Spirit, and that Mary was a literal virgin in the full and normal sense of that world both before and after Jesus was conceived and born.

12) The First Presidency issues an official "Statement on the Book of Abraham" which it admits that the Book of Abraham is not a literal translation of any ancient papyrus, but rather a "revelation" like any other to Joseph Smith.

13) The First Presidency issues an official "Statement on the Curse of Cain Doctrine and Priesthood-ban Policy" stating that the Curse of Cain Doctrine was taught as official doctrine of the Church for 130 years, but that it was a mistake, that black Africans are not nor never were the descendants of Cain, that Mormon leaders are not infallible in their interpretations of Scripture and that the "mistakes of past Church leaders" should convince all of us to put our faith and trust upon the Lord Jesus Christ and not any man or set of men.

14) The First Presidency issues and official "Statement on the Gospel of Gain" which condemns the popular Mormon belief that earthly blessings are rewards for Church activity, and state clearly that Jesus promises us only "tribulation in this word" but "treasures in heaven" if we obey His gospel, and that those who teach that wealth is a sign of worthiness and poverty is a sign of unworthy are false teachers.

15) No longer requiring that families "pay" for the living cost of missionaries, but using tithing funds for all missionary costs. Sell off the vast Church properties in Florida and elsewhere to pay for this.

16) Establishing different kinds of Missions: two year, one year, and "Summer Missions" for young men to go to college in between four "Summers"; they would be missionaries during the Summers only. Those wanting to go on a mission would have "optionps" for two year, one year, or "Four Summer" missions.

17) Establishing "Language Classes" at Seminaries and Insitutes and even in Meetinghouses where young Mormons would begin to learn foreign languages at age 8 (eight) and by the time they were old enough to go on a mission, they could be almost fluent or fluent in a foreign language, and be sent on a mission using that foreign language. This would end the "8 week wonders" at the MTC where missionaries are thrown out into a mission not knowing enough of the language to be really effective until they've been on the mission for 6 to 8 months.

18) Teach various forms of dancing for the youth such as county swing so that fat women will be able to dance just as much as the sexy girls. At last half of all Church dances should include "line" dancing of some sort so that fat girls could participate in the dance too.

19) Teach young Mormon women "Proper Mormon Ettiquette" for dances and dating: such as "Do not tell a guy you are leaving the dance and then dance with another guy" and "Do not lie when a guy asks you for a date, but say you are not interested, and if he asks why, say you are not interested, and if he asks again THEN you can hang up on him, but not before!"

20) Establish female "matchmakers" for Mormon teens and all singles as the Jews do. Single Mormon men interested in a female goes to the "matchmaker" who informs the female, and if the female is not interested the matchmaker tells him; not the female herself. This will help avoid embarassing moments.

21) STop using Tithing money to augment Church schools such as BYU. Single Mormon young adults outside of Utah/Idaho/Mesa can meet each other at "Young Adult Summer Schools" between high school and college/mission. BYU to be supported by contributions to the "BYU Foundation"; not tithing money.

22) Establish "Young Adult Summer Schools" at BYU (when it is near empty) and BYU-Hawaii and BYU-Idaho and elsehwere were young adults from around the country and elsehwere can meet for sports, religious classes, and go to dances and hopefully get married or at least engaged. These "Summer Schools" would last for 6 weeks and include people who could never afford to go to BYU.

23) Establish "Genesis Wards" for African-American Members in North America with full black leadership and full-black membership. People feel most comfortable among their own kind.

24) Establish a Standing High Council of twelve members that would include Apostles too old to travel, who would act as advisors to the First Presidency.

25) Establish "Presiding Bishoprics" over every country; not just one Presiding Bishopric over the entire Church, and do away with the "Area Presidencies".

26) Print Plain English Editions of the Book of Mormon which are illustrated for missionaries to use and Seminary students so they'll actually read the damn thing.

27) Issue a First President "Statement on the Lamanites" declaring that the American Indians are probably not the Lamanites mentioned in the Book of Mormon, because the Lamanites had "a skin of blackness" and American Indians have red skin and are of Asian/Siberian origin. State that the Chruch is "continuing to grow in light and knowledge" and that "official statements" are not infallible but represent the position of the Church at any given time which may change later once more "light and knowledge" is received.

28) Issue a First Presidency "Statement on Homosexuality" and state:
*We do not yet know why some people are homosexual.
*We do not know the cause of homosexuality.
*We are told in Scripture that homosexuality is contrary to the Will of God, but
not why it is contrary to His Will.
*Homosexuals will be in the Celestial Kingdom, but as eunuchs.
*All Members should treat homosexuals like all others, with the Golden Rule.
*Parents of homosexual children should not shun them, or beat them, or abuse them
because they are homosexual, but homosexual children must obey their parents
while they are under the guardianship of their parents.
*State or federal governments should not force churches to accept homosexual
members.
*The Church has the right to teach that homosexuality is opposed to the
Will of God without sanctions or threats of sanction from federal
or state governments.
*Homosexuals should have the right to work, get educations, and live
without harrasment or persecution.
*The Church is opposed to homosexual marriage, but question is
for governments to decide.
*Parents of homosexual children should not force them or pressure
them to go to Church or to go on missions or marry against their wills.
*Parents of homosexual children should encourage their children to
get good educations and to lead the most moral and ethical lives
they can lead.
*Members should be tolerant of, but not accepting nor encouraging to,
homosexuals including homosexual members of the Church.
*Homosexual Members should not go on missions, not be ordained to priesthood
offices, and should not hide their sexual orientations from their bishops or branch
presidents.
*Homosexual members should not be pressured into heterosexual
marriages.
*Homosexual Members asked to either marry in the Temple, or remain totally
celebate, or to resign from the Church and seek, if they wish, a church or
religion that fully accepts them as they are.

29) Issue a First President "Statement on the Use of Mormon" and state that Members can call themselves "Mormons" and may refer to the Church as "The Mormon Church".

30) Establish Seven Quorums of Seventy as the D&C stipulates, and these men will be preachers of the Gospel, not managers of Church offices as they currently are. These will be the Mission Presidents.

31) Re-establish the Office of Presiding Patriarch.

32) Each Stake to have 96 Elders, 48 Priests, 24 Teachers, and 12 Deacons: no more and no less than this number. Men "given the priesthood" but "ordained" to offices being separate things. A man can have the Melchizedek priesthood but not currently be a member of any Quorum. Same with Aaronic. All men and boys under the age of 18 become "Junior Deacons" and can pass the Sacrament but have no other function.

33) EStablish a military school in Utah called the "Deseret Military Academy" for boys (and girls) who think of a military career from ages 14 on up through college.

34) End automatic baptism at age 8. Establish "Believer's baptism" whereby a person must truly repent and before being baptized in the Church.

35) Change "Confirmation" as something immediately after baptism, to a one-year period in which newly baptized Members learn, and are only "confirmed" after this oneyear probationary period.

36) Issue a book titled "Official Church Doctrine" that clear declares what is, and what is not, "Official Church Doctrine" once and for all.

37) Establish "Mutual Improvement Associations" next to all major universities in the United States that offers alcohol and tobacco free dances, advertise in University newspapers, members must pay $5 to join and fill out short application, make list of applicants and sent lists to the missionaries who work next to universities (special "University Missions")

39) Publish an illustrated book called "The Book for Investigators Studying the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ" that includes all missionary discussions/presentations, as chapters, along with a large "Question and Answer" section that covers things like evolution, Adam and Eve, Curse of Cain, homosexuality, child baptism, sex before marriage, masturbation, Church Callings, etc.

40) Write a long Introduction to The Book of Mormon, to be published in the front of the book, which explains to people Unfamiliar with the Bible, the story of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, the Hebrew prophet UP TO Lehi in Jerusalem so they will understand the story once they get to Lehi and Nephi (many people not raised on the Bible has NO CLUE to what is happening at the beginning of the Book of Mormon or why...I didn't).

Just a few of my suggested changes if "I" became President of the Church. What are YOURS?

[_hatersinmyward]

why don't they put in a soup kitchen?

[_Joseph]

Why not start your own church?
How about volunteer service in Juarez or Tijuana, Mexico for a year or two?

tubbytommie won't listen to you so do it on your own.