Know this; I pen this missive to the teeming audience of a tiny insignificant group of English speakers for whom have caused some level of disturbance to no less than 4 angelic missionaries who have ministered unto me the Gospel. As part of the conditions for my eventual parole from this spiritual re-education camp, Brigham 5, I was to bear my new found post mortem testimony to the seething apostates and fellow atheist dullards.
I, Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, child of Saxony and son Ludwig, do hereby offer a testimony of the Gospel with every fiber of my being. I know, oh yes meine kinder, I know that Joseph Smith Jr. is a prophet of Elohim the Heavenly Father, who faithfully translated not only the gold plates of Mormon (buried in Central America, but later hidden in New York), but the very words Abraham himself penned on the blank end of a funeral scroll.
As it would happen, I was not so wrong after all, although my thoughts on the existence of God turned out to be a humbling experience after 1900. You see, when I wrote the Birth of Tragedy in the early 1870s, I was actually speaking about solid Gospel principles, but an blurred them with my own poor classical education in the Gymnasium. The Apollonian and Dionysian energies are metaphors that represent the plan of Jesus the Christ, and the plan of Satan. The Apollonian helps expose proper chains of authority, righteous dominion over women (at last! Lou Salome is mine!), and the correct exercise of choosing the right. The Dionysian is of course, all that is wrong with you English speaking Johns. Today, I am told, you engage in your own wild, lusty Orphic orgies, but it goes under the name “Porn”. All my works, are simply inversions of what the LDS Church faithfully teaches today, from the pulpit in every chapel and stake center in the world. Slave Morality? I’ve been told that a pragmatic and vivacious scholar and polymath Wade Englund was shown that my Slave Morality WAS living the Gospel, as taught to him by two elderly saints so long ago. Eternal reoccurrence? Actually, Eternal progression. Bad conscience? That’s a lack of agency. The Aesthetic Priest? That’s a righteous priesthood holder making the right decesion not to masturbate.
As you can see, everything I ever wrote about, can be taken from the writings of the prophet Joseph Smith! If only you stuffy academics would set aside your puffed up egos and pay close attention, you can see that every great work of art, literature, and philosophy is merely a prediction or perversion of Joseph Smith. The answers are all right there in front of you. I beseech you all, return to your Bishops, call the missionaries, get right with Heavenly Father. You do not want to spend one moment of your spiritual life in Brigham 5.
Yours,
Friedrich
