Ideas to Make General Conference Better

[_Hades]

This thread cracks me up. A bunch of former or disaffected Mormons telling those who continue to believe how they should do their own meetings. As though you’d all come crawling back on your knees with tears in your eyes and a testimony on your lips, if only general conference included a magic show interlude and better special effects. What a joke! I’m so glad folks like you don’t burden our meetings with your never-ending murmuring anymore. I just don’t understand why you can't manage to stop looking back to what you’ve left behind. Geez! Can’t you just move on? You’ve got a great and spacious building all to yourselves. Isn’t that enough?

I hadn't thought of a magic show. Joe Smith was a magician, so why not do some magic for old times sake? They could dust off the seer stone and Tommy could read off my driver's license number. I would pull the license out of my pocket and hold it in front of the camera so everyone could see that he got it right.

[_Darth J]

This thread cracks me up. A bunch of former or disaffected Mormons telling those who continue to believe how they should do their own meetings. As though you’d all come crawling back on your knees with tears in your eyes and a testimony on your lips, if only general conference included a magic show interlude and better special effects. What a joke! I’m so glad folks like you don’t burden our meetings with your never-ending murmuring anymore. I just don’t understand why you can't manage to stop looking back to what you’ve left behind. Geez! Can’t you just move on? You’ve got a great and spacious building all to yourselves. Isn’t that enough?

I think that the Prophet should start using the Egyptian Alphabet and Grammar to encipher what is said in General Conference so that enemies of the Church can't make fun of it.

[_sock puppet]

Maybe next April, they could pull out the stone that JSJr didn't return to Sally Chase, have Monson tell them where to dig for buried Spaniard treasures and Bednar and Anderson could dig at that spot, but when it comes up empty, to give Packer some training, he could pronounce that there were evil spirits moving the treasure underground, as the digging took place.

Or they could have someone dress up as JSJr and while enjoying a beer on a stage set to look like Moessers, he could tell the tale of how as a young boy he refused whiskey while having his leg operated on. Kind of a one-man show vignette.

Maybe they could play the parts of SWK, his FP counselors, Packer and Hinckley looking at the salamander letter with Hoffman, and recreate the negotiations to buy up all he has, and then DHO could come out and deny it.

Next could be a replay of the video of GBH on Larry King Live dancing left and then right, and any other direction to avoid the King Follett sermon doctrines.

Oh, it is a marvelous work and a wonder.

[_sock puppet]

General Relief Society session next GC could have a pageant--Mormons like those.

It could be women, one by one, coming on stage, portraying one of JSJr's wives after another, telling the tale, giving the dates, etc.

Then at the end, they could have a re-enactment of JSJr on the Maid of Iowa, giving that fine Sunday Sermon at 10 AM on May 26, 1844 [it's a personal favorite of mine]:

Inasmuch as there is a new church, this must be old, and of course we
ought to be set down as orthodox. From henceforth let all the churches now
no longer persecute orthodoxy. I never built upon any other man's ground.
I never told the old Catholic that he was a fallen true prophet God knows,
then, that the charges against me are false.

I had not been married scarcely five minutes, and made one
proclamation of the Gospel, before it was reported that I had seven wives.
I mean to live and proclaim the truth as long as I can.

This new holy prophet [William Law] has gone to Carthage and swore
that I had told him that I was guilty of adultery. This spiritual wifeism!
Why, a man dares not speak or wink, for fear of being accused of this.

William Law testified before forty policemen, and the assembly room
full of witnesses, that he testified under oath that he never had heard or
seen or knew anything immoral or criminal against me. He testified under
oath that he was my friend, and not the "Brutus." There was a cogitation
who was the "Brutus." I had not prophesied against William Law. He swore
under oath that he was satisfied that he was ready to lay down his life
for me, and he swears that I have committed adultery. I wish the grand
jury would tell me who they are--whether it will be a course or blessing
to me. I am quite tired of the fools asking me.

A man asked me whether the commandment was given that a man may have
seven wives; and now the new prophet has charged me with adultery. I never
had any fuss with these men until that Female Relief Society brought out
the paper against adulterers and adulteresses.

Dr. Goforth was invited into the Laws' clique, and Dr. Foster and the
clique were dissatisfied with that document, and they rush away and leave
the Church, and conspire to take away my life; and because I will not
countenance such wickedness, they proclaim that I have been a true
prophet, but that I am now a fallen prophet.

Jackson has committed murder, robbery, and perjury; and I can prove
it by half-a-dozen witnesses. Jackson got up and said--"By God, he is
innocent," and now swears that I am guilty. He threatened my life.

There is another Law, not the prophet, who was cashiered for
dishonesty and robbing the government Wilson Law also swears that I told
him I was guilty of adultery. Brother Jonathan Dunham can swear to the
contrary. I have been chained. I have rattled chains before in a dungeon
for the truth's sake. I am innocent of all these charges, and you can bear
witness of my innocence, for you know me yourselves.

When I love the poor, I ask no favors of the rich. I can go to the
cross--I can lay down my life; but don't forsake me. I want the friendship
of my brethren.--Let us teach the things of Jesus Christ. Pride goes
before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a downfall.

Be meek and lowly, upright and pure; render good for evil. If you
bring on yourselves your own destruction, I will complain. It is not right
for a man to bare down his neck to the oppressor always. Be humble and
patient in all circumstances of life; we shall then triumph more
gloriously. What a thing it is for a man to be accused of committing
adultery, and having seven wives, when I can only find one.

I am the same man, and as innocent as I was fourteen years ago

And then, for an epilogue, a woman dressed as and portraying Emma Smith can come out, deny that there was ever polygamy, and why she and her boys are not going to follow Brother Brigham westward, but instead become part of the Reorganized LDS Church.

Now that's a Relief Society Meeting! fit for a GC session.

[_harmony]

But I heard he was released not too long after our visit, and then he and his wife went inactive.

I wasn't surprised.

Gossiping, Nomad? Shame, shame.

[_consiglieri]

The last time we visited my in-laws in Utah, they had gospel doctrine teacher who I suspect was a lot like you. Self-obsessed. Trying to impress everyone with his intellect. Going off on wierd tangents. Noticeable lack of the spirit in the room.

Here's the deal, Nimrod . . . I mean, Nomad.

I am obsessed, but not with myself.

I am obsessed with learning everything I can about the great and marvelous thing we call the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I am obsessed with teaching nothing but the truth.

I am obsessed with making sure that my students actually learn something from each and every class, which I know may be a foreign idea to you.

I am obsessed with meeting the needs of the individual members of my class, which is why regardless of the fact that I spent hours preparing for each class and always had at least three times more material than we could possibly cover, I always allowed students to contribute and always called on every hand that was raised.

It is why I frequently allowed detours away from what I had prepared in order to address issues of interest to the class.

I am obsessed with making class interesting and something that people would look forward to attending.

I am obsessed with being the best teacher I can be.

I am obsessed with magnifying my spiritual gifts as set forth in my patriarchal blessing.

What is it you are obsessed with?

All the Best!

--Consiglieri

P.S. And it's "weird," not "wierd." This is the sort of faux paus that mindless adherence to rules can produce.

[_Buffalo]

This thread cracks me up. A bunch of former or disaffected Mormons telling those who continue to believe how they should do their own meetings. As though you’d all come crawling back on your knees with tears in your eyes and a testimony on your lips, if only general conference included a magic show interlude and better special effects. What a joke! I’m so glad folks like you don’t burden our meetings with your never-ending murmuring anymore. I just don’t understand why you can't manage to stop looking back to what you’ve left behind. Geez! Can’t you just move on? You’ve got a great and spacious building all to yourselves. Isn’t that enough?

Ah, the sound of sour grapes. Still bitter, Will?

[_schreech]

Ah, the sound of sour grapes. Still bitter, Will?

His jealously seems so obvious at this point...Poor old fella has committed his life to a joke of a religion and, even after spending months and months researching and writing about uninteresting aspects of the LDS myth, he still gets no respect from the people he is trying to impress....Its obvious that he is bitter that many of us have found our way out of the LDS church, I think he is just too stubborn to admit that he wishes he had the balls to leave himself...but of course, spineless, attention-whoring, brown-nosers typically don't have that kind of resolve...

[_Yoda]

In other words, Consig is.....a teacher. ;-)

The last time we visited my in-laws in Utah, they had gospel doctrine teacher who I suspect was a lot like you. Self-obsessed. Trying to impress everyone with his intellect. Going off on wierd tangents. Noticeable lack of the spirit in the room.

Here's the deal, Nimrod . . . I mean, Nomad.

I am obsessed, but not with myself.

I am obsessed with learning everything I can about the great and marvelous thing we call the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I am obsessed with teaching nothing but the truth.

I am obsessed with making sure that my students actually learn something from each and every class, which I know may be a foreign idea to you.

I am obsessed with meeting the needs of the individual members of my class, which is why regardless of the fact that I spent hours preparing for each class and always had at least three times more material than we could possibly cover, I always allowed students to contribute and always called on every hand that was raised.

It is why I frequently allowed detours away from what I had prepared in order to address issues of interest to the class.

I am obsessed with making class interesting and something that people would look forward to attending.

I am obsessed with being the best teacher I can be.

I am obsessed with magnifying my spiritual gifts as set forth in my patriarchal blessing.

What is it you are obsessed with?

All the Best!

--Consiglieri

P.S. And it's "weird," not "wierd." This is the sort of faux paus that mindless adherence to rules can produce.

[_Corpsegrinder]

How to make General Conference better? Celestial fertility orgy!!!