Mormon Classified Ads

[_Darth J]

Business for Sale

OBJECT LOCATING SERVICE IN PALMYRA

Established clientele. Owner relocation forces sale. Services include looking for hidden objects, precious metals, and lost items. Low overhead, no inventory (buyer to verify). Equipment may be purchased separately; contact S. Chase for details. No experience necessary. Cash & carry opportunity!

Seller contact information:

Joe
Email: gazelemrocks1223@cametopass.com

[Guest]

Misc. for Sale

ROD OF NATURE

No power shall be able to take it away out of your hands when you hold it in your hands. Can be used to find underground water, precious metal deposits, etc. Gives answers to metaphysical questions. Also translates foreign languages if it be expedient. Determines appropriate locations for building projects. Will train qualified buyer to use. Make offer!

Seller contact information:

Oliver
Email: olihah@aaronsgift.net

[_Darth J]

Services: Entertainers

ADD A LITTLE SOMETHING TO YOUR NEXT CHURCH AND/OR BUSINESS FUNCTION!

Experienced entertainer, available for church functions, bank branch openings, new business place dedications, and more. Several custom shows available, including poetry recital, folktales, Boy Scout lore, seminars on Polynesian cephalopod hunting, and ear-wiggling demonstrations. Always a choice program! Discount for widows; choice of pie provided.

Contact:

Tommy
tsm@ldscorp.biz

[_aranyborju]

Land Transactions

200 Acres Cheap!

Yours to own. 200 Acres of pristine Guatemalan landscape. Ideal for Cummom grazing. Can support over 1,000 Commoms or 2,500 Cureloms. Both classified as especially useful animals!

Grazing not for you? Also an excellent source of ancient buried treasure, yours for the taking. Recently discovered objects include breastplates, steel swords, and all manner of heaped and stinking bones.

Price inquiries and legal description upon request.

email me at Panchii@whiteanddelightsome.com

[Guest]

SLIGHTLY USED ANTI BANKING CHARTER

For Sale: Abandoned by Seller State of Ohio Anti-Banking Non-Charter with Accounts Payable and Boxes of Cloth Covered Gold Nuggets (some bad PR to overcome but doable with Stories of Visiting Angels and Commands of Mormon Man god). Don't put up with pesky State and Federal Regulators, simply purchase this Non-Charter and Start bilking your followers in the Name of Speculation and Mormon Jebus. Caution: This is a non-equal opportunity institution, Curse of Cain persons need not inquire. However, Weird People are encouraged to inquire.

NOTE: Flaming Sword for Bill Collecting sold Separately

Inquiries should be made at HornyHolyJoe@ldsinc.org

[_Darth J]

Jobs

IMMEDIATE OPENING TO BE MY VOICE UNTO THE WORLD

Omnipotent Creator of the Universe seeks prophet to run His church. Must be willing to actually prophesy, see, and/or reveal something. Ability to convey messages that are relevant to the real world is desirable. Need someone with even a modicum of demonstrable leadership. Must be able to tell the difference between My will and your own random thoughts and opinions. PR departments, committees, and law firms need not apply. Excellent salary and benefits.

Contact:

elohim567@kolob.com

[_aranyborju]

Appliances

Uncle Bruce's Abomination Detector

Embarrassed by unsightly face cards, homosexuals, catholics, and people of mixed race? Rid your home of these abominations with Uncle Bruce's Abomination Detector. Uncle Bruce's patented abomination cleansing properties can locate and eradicate any abomination in your home or your money back!* Using the new FLAK technique (Further Light And Knowledge) those pesky abominations don't stand a chance.

*Does not include 10% service fee.

Contact:

unclebruce@grumpyoldfart.com

[_Darth J]

Livestock/Animals

HORSES FOR SALE

If not available, a tapir, deer, llama, or any other mammal that has four legs may be substituted.

Price: make offer. Must be paid in coins, and not pieces of precious metals used as a medium of exchange.

Contact seller:

strawgrasper@FAIR-y-Tales.net

[_aranyborju]

Dark loathsome female, seeking white delightsome male. Return missionary a must. (pref. among lamanites) Member of the virgin lip club. Looking for a man that isn't afraid to cut off some arms.

contact:

abish@itsinyourbutt.com

[Guest]

For sale:

Large white stone building overlooking Mississippi river. Built quickly, but will last for years. Complete with small indoors swimming-pool. $2,000,000.

Also riverside land, a trifle swampy, but excellent for developing a port when the railroad comes through. Other properties available throughout the county, and across the river in Iowa. Titles to Iowa land a bit questionable, but the palms of Iowa government need some grease. [wink wink]