Mormon Classified Ads

[Guest]

For sale;
OOPS!! Large blocks of limestone, a bit scorched, but a few prime ones fantastically carved with the round face of some sharp-nosed guy on them. Most would be excellent for barn foundations. Name your price!! Cheap!!

[_kairos]

Recovery Specialist Needed: Writer desperately in need of a memory recovery specialist to assist in reconstructing significant portions of a novel. Upon completing an initial 116 pages of the novel, co-sponsor of the project lost the said material. Recovery specialist must be an expert in recovering lost memory, dreams, visions and stories. Knowledge of meso-american and jewish cultures a definite plus. Payment will be in a melted material similar to gold. Upon completion of the project, recovery specialist will have his eternal salvation assured. Inquire at Smith Family farm day or night-ask for Joe!

[_Doctor Scratch]

Historical Documents

Letter for Sale!

Letter supposedly from the Office of the 1st Presidency which is actually a fax plagiarized from The Encyclopedia of Mormonism. In excellent condition. Has the patina of authority. Your friends won't be able to tell the difference!

Starting at $100, OBO. Interesting trades considered.

Contact:

The_Hutt@farms.biz

[Guest]

Lost and Found

MISSING: 40 FEET OF PAPYRUS (REWARD OFFERED)

Last seen by nostalgic old man 60-70 years after the fact. Was contained in pagan Egyptian funerary texts that have no relationship to the content of the missing item. Recently determined that it needed to be where we say it was. Reward to finder, no questions asked.

Contact:

desperatelyseekingabraham@mopologia.com

[_Darth J]

Real Estate/Land

RANDOM DRUMLIN IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

May or may not have any particular relevance to historical works about ancient America. No warranty, express or implied, is made as to whether this random drumlin is the Hill Cumorah. Drumlin is currently known as "the Hill Cumorah," and is the site of "The Hill Cumorah Pageant," "Hill Cumorah monument," and "Hill Cumorah visitor's center." Lots of potential uses; free of archaeological clutter. Reasonable offers considered.

Seller information:

watson@faxmachine.net

[Guest]

Found:
Manuscript in Solomon Spalding's handwriting. Contains the story of the Book of Mormon, verbatim, in King James English, without tedious preaching.

Baseline price $1,000,000. Competitive bids above that amount accepted.

Contact hoffmannm@USPD.gov

[_Drifting]

Positions Vacant

Saviour

Urgently required for Second Coming.
Must enjoy travel and meeting new people.
Would suit single man who is good with children.
(Catholic Priests and Mormon Scout Leaders need not apply)
A good working knowledge of the Bible is essential and must possess the ability to withstand long periods without food or water. Must be emotionally resilient and able to handle pressure. Results driven.

Package.
Commission only (Donation based)
Fully expensed company Ass
Excellent retirement benefits
Private Health (with full death in service benefit)

[Guest]

FOR SALE

Analog GPS. Round like a ball, dull colored, believed to be of Red Brass, used for one long distance trip, has sand in the interior, and displays directions in an unknown language. Works intermittently. Asking $250.00 but will consider trade for Ocean going Barge that is Tight like unto a Dish.

Contact me at 1-800-453-3860 + 0 and ask for Tommy or email me at Thomas.S.Monson@LDS.org. When you pick up the GPS I hope you have time for some Pie.

[_Bond James Bond]

Historical Documents

Letter for Sale!

Letter supposedly from the Office of the 1st Presidency which is actually a fax plagiarized from The Encyclopedia of Mormonism. In excellent condition. Has the patina of authority. Your friends won't be able to tell the difference!

Starting at $100, OBO. Interesting trades considered.

Contact:

The_Hutt@farms.biz

I'll trade you. I have the rare unpublished memoir While You Working Out: A Message from Bobby Fischer Concerning Chess and Ancient American Jewish People written by Pseudo-Prof. Kerry Shirts.

[_DarkHelmet]

girl seeking man: I am a hot, young, 14-year old virgin seeking the companionship of an already married man in his late 30s. My interests include poetry, art, long walks on the beach, playing with dolls, and listening to sermons. You must already have a wife and kids. Multiple wives is a plus. Contact Helen at 555-876-0909 if interested.